re

Khanh the Killjoy

Can You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse? - Max Brallier Beyond this page lies unspeakable horror. Bone-crunching, blood-splattering, brain-impaling horror—the horror of the zombie apocalypse.Wrong.I get it, I do. This isn't intended to be taken seriously at all. I mean, it's a choose-your-own-adventure about surviving a zombie apocalypse, for fuck's sakes. But I felt the introductory sentence was reaaaaaally overreaching. There is no unspeakable horror here. It's a whole lot of silliness, a whole lot of stupidity, and really...anyone who's read his or her fair share of zombie horror movies will find the majority of the scenarios frustrating and unbelievable. It wasn't even fun to read. It involved more eye-rolling action than anything involving an uplift of my mouth.The choices offered are so very limited, and so often incredibly stupid, that I never felt like I was a part of the adventure. In order to be immersed in this type of choose-your-own type book, the reader actually has to believe in the credibility of the characters' actions and thoughts, and I just could not put myself in the position of the person in the book.You’re twenty-five years old. You live in a crappy, overpriced studio apartment in Manhattan. You work a corporate job that you’re not particularly fond of. Up until now, your day-to-day life offered few surprises.But today, on a hot and humid July morning, zombies have come to Manhattan.I mean, I like to think of myself as a smart person. Really, you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who says "OH I'M REALLY STUPID, HUR HUR HUR," but still...I like to think I'm a little more rational and intelligent than the person depicted.The scenarios are short vignettes, pages long at times, at the end of which, the reader gets to choose between one of several options regarding their next step. As the story starts, I'm doing my daily grind, counting down the minutes until 5 PM, bored as fuck; anyone can relate to that, really.All of a sudden. BOOM. The cute receptionist bursts into the conference room, blabbering something incoherently and turns on the TV. It is a reputable news source, and chaos is what we see.The patient is biting the doctor. No, not just biting. Eating him—devouring the guy. Tearing into his flesh with her teeth and hands. Clawing at his body. Ripping skin from his limbs. As she tosses her head back to chew, stringy flesh hangs from her teeth.Mobs of the infected form from the infected hospital source, hordes stumble from within, drenched in blood, faces pasty white.It's pretty obvious that it's a zombie apocalypse.What do I do?You head for your cubicle.You get to your computer and start typing.WHAT?! NO. FUCKING NO. I WOULD NOT DO THAT. I WOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.Initially, the choices are fairly easy, after that, the choices become rather...absurd. You get to choose between drinking away the pain with beer or taking a call from your mom. Your mom. You want to stay inside your apartment, where it's safe (NO IT'S NOT, MANHATTAN IS BEING OVERRUN BY THE LIVING DEAD. I WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE).Mommy dearest offers you $500 to get the fuck out of the city. Which you take, because MONEY IS SO VERY IMPORTANT WHEN THERE ARE ZOMBIES ALL OVER THE PLACE AND RAMPANT LOOTING IN STORES.Then you fucking run into some movie buffs preparing for a fictional Zombie Walk (which is unfortunately now a very, very real thing).What do you do? Naturally, you sit down and discuss fucking zombie movies.Taft shoots you a look that says you’re invading his zombie knowledge territory. “Well,” he says, “the water issue depends on who you ask. In George Romero’s Land of the Dead, they do cross the water—finally infiltrating Fiddler’s Green. And in Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, also known as Zombi 2, there’s the classic zombie-versus-shark scene.”This fucking hipster.NO. NO. NO. NO. Everyone's fucking read [b:The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead|535441|The Zombie Survival Guide Complete Protection from the Living Dead|Max Brooks|http://d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net/books/1320562270s/535441.jpg|818] and we theoretically know how to behave when confronted with situations where we might be eaten. This book goes against all common sense, and I personally would not make any of the decisions presented from the extremely limited list of options with which this book presented me. Of course, I didn't read the entire book, it's not designed to be read that way, but I've read and went back to choose enough of the options to know that this book was neither amusing nor scary. Skip it. Go reread some Max Brooks; his books are more realistic and more enjoyable.This book just made me want to stand in one place and be eaten by the zombies; at least it'd be a quick death and I wouldn't hate myself for "my" idiocy throughout the entire decision-making process within this so-called "adventure."