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Khanh the Killjoy

When Camelot meets bullshit

Fireblood  - Trisha Wolfe

THE WORLD HAS BEEN DECIMATED BY A VIRUS. PEOPLE ARE TURNED INTO CANNIBALS. Survival? Fuck that shit. Let's make a new society based on King Arthur's Camelot, build ourselves a fucking castle, establish the Knights of the Round Table, and have rousing jousting tournaments!!!!!



I've heard of some comparisons between this book and The Selection. No. It is nothing like it. There was a process in The Selection. There was competition in The Selection. There is nothing competition-like involved in this book because of the immediate selection of Zara to be Prince Sebastian's pretty pretty, yet perfectly pouty and pitiable princess besides the intrinsic fact that Zara is so fucking Super Speshul that she holds a special Key within her ass. The Prince (among others) falls in love with her and selects her to be his chosen bride within the first fucking 10 pages of the book.

I'm just really fucking sick of a dystopian setting that makes no bloody sense. Mother of god, give humanity some fucking credit. I've said it often, and it shall be restated for posterity: humans are not stupid, so why does every other faux-dystopian novels press the futuristic mass of humanity into the same sort of backward-evolution dumb cookie cutter mold? These sort of books make humans to be mindless morons, capable only of groupthink, who are only to willing to accept an idiot of a leader and a pointless new society for no fucking reason at all? Give humanity some fucking credit, people!

I don't understand this book. It doesn't know what it wants to be. This book has an identity crisis bigger than that of Miley Cyrus. It's a fantasy that aspires to be a dystopia, and the result just doesn't make any sense. This book is even worse than most YA dystopians I've read, because those other books at least try to a somewhat reasonable society after the downfall of man, due to whatever reasons. This book just wanted a fantasy premise at heart, and it built the background around what it yearns to be instead of building a premise from the ground up. That is where it completely and utterly fails. It doesn't work that way! You can't build a castle...or rather, Camelot, in this instance, out of thin air.

Feeblewitted fool of a special snowflake + dystopian society that makes no fucking sense + plot that makes no fucking sense + love triangle involving a douche and an even bigger dipshit whose idea of training a girl to fight is to beat the crap out of her until she learns

=

Summary: It's the future, but it feels like Star Wars in a medieval setting. Camelot, to be exact. Some years ago, a Virus decimated the Earth, and there were like, wars, and stuff, you know? *flips hair* Bad stuff happens, like, soooooooo totally bad. Something called The Final War? Like, totally, yeah. That's what it is. But we're in the future now! And it's utopia! What's an utopia? Is that, like, a dirty word or something? It all started in 2016, too, not too long ago, but that's like, totally ancient history, right, guyse?!!

The future is Camelot, y'all!

Zara is the perfect daughter of a farmer, or rather, an animal cloner. Because for some reason, we can't just breed animals, we need to fucking clone them. Way to overcomplicate things, future. Her father has the dreaded Virus, and so he's pretty much destined to die. Being the loyal daughter that she is, Zara hides his illness, but he gets taken away anyway, and it's somehow all the Prince's fault, that her father is going to die!...of a Virus. Yep. All cause of Prince Sebastian. He must pay for this! Because, um...it's totally Prince Sebastian's fault that her father is dying of a disease known to be fatal?

But hark! Today is the day of the selection! The kingdom's golden prince, the 19-year old Prince Sebastian is going to choose his bride, the woman he will elevate above all others! The woman who will rule the kingdom by his side, the woman who will be loved and pampered and spoiled for the rest of her life! Among all the other girls in the kingdom, he selects Zara to be his wife. Because he saw her once and became entranced by her qualities. Not sure what they are, but Zara has quaaaaaaalities, man!

I saw you on a monitor for the first time months ago. When I was being taught about Karm, and how I must know all that is going on in my kingdom, I saw you.”

Prince Sebastian is perfect, golden, handsome, skilled in jousting, every slut in Camelot Karm, wants to ride him like a stallion and get jousted by him in the vagina, amirite?

Naturally, Zara wants none of that shit. Because Prince Sebastian as good as killed her father. Because her father was killed because of the Virus.



She hates Sebastian on sight, and keeps on hating him, and then hates him some more, just for posterity's sake, despite Sebastian's claims of love for her. Instead, Zara is attracted to the loyal, darkly handsome Sir Devlan, who becomes her personal bodyguard, who, naturally, falls for her at first sight, too.

“I chose you the first moment I saw you.”

What's the real mystery of Karm? Will Zara ever learn to ride a horse? Will she enjoy watching the jousting tournaments? Will Zara ever grow to wear those darned white dresses gracefully? Why else is Zara so speshul?

"I’ve done nothing—am no one.”
His eyes are hard on mine. “You were to be the key.”

Will Zara ever grow to be the perfect assassin? How will she ever go through her assassin training while her eyes are gazing soulfully at Sir Devlan? ;_;

The Setting: What the fuck, man?! Whoever thought it was a good fucking idea to follow some dumbass of a leader in the future when he wants to build a society based off of fucking Camelot?

Camelot.
He’s constructed his entire realm after King Arthur’s beloved city, trusting its citizens to recreate the peaceful and picture-perfect utopia.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? In the future---and it's not even a fucking distant future. Something happened around 2016, and there are still people alive who remembered life before Karm, so it's not that far in the future at all, maybe 20, 30 years? In that time, the world has been decimated, people are struggling to survive. Mankind has been wiped out by a mysterious Virus. There are fucking mutants and cannibals running rampant outside the electrical Barrier of the Outside of the kingdom of Karm...and instead of focusing on survival, growing food, etc, we spent our fucking time and energy modeling a society from fucking King Arthur's Camelot, complete with a fucking fairy tale of a castle?

Deep blue and silver tapestries drape the walls. Large pillars reach toward the steepled ceiling, and dark veins in the stone walls separate the swirls of gold, silver, and amber. Castle Karm is something constructed right out of one of the antique books my father used to sneak to me.

Are you fucking serious?Are you telling me that instead of putting our technology to good use, we spent that time constructing a CASTLE for a fucking KING?! In what was very recently AMERICA, NO LESS?

Let me tell you something about us 'Muricans. We are not exactly open to the idea of monarchy. We don't fucking like authority figures. We hate fucking politicians. We distrust figures of states. We particularly hate the monarchy, becauuse um, well, there was something called the Revolutionary War a little while back. Yeah. A kingdom based on Camelot, with a KING? Not fucking likely.



Women wear pretty pretty dresses. We have jousting tournaments, where it's not really a big fucking deal when an able-bodied man gets killed, because well, people are disposable, apparently, even when A VIRUS HAS DECIMATED THE HUMAN RACE. We have fucking Taser-like V-Batons. We have Eyes (which are security cameras). We have a rebel group who call their headquarter Mordred and have a compound called Morgana...

We have a Round Table. We have The Force. We have Knights, Ladies, Sirs. We have sidesaddles for when women ride horses. Because it's SO FUCKING IMPORTANT WHEN A VIRUS HAS DECIMATED THE WORLD TO RIDE LIKE A PROPER LADY OUGHT!

We have farms that clone animal, because it's just too fucking complicated to have animals fuck each other like, well, animals! Surely breeding is too difficult. Look at the pandas! Won't someone think of the pandas!1!!1

And not even 50 years into the future. Jesus fucking Christ, kill me now.

The Plot: Doesn't make any fucking sense. The crucial plot, the reasoning behind the rebellion is essentially "LET'S DESTROY THE ELECTRICAL BARRIER THAT'S KEEPING US FROM BEING EATEN BY THE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF CANNIBALS AND ZOMBIES AND MUTANT CREATURES SO WE CAN HAZ FREEDOM!"

No.

No. No. NO. To everything in this book. If you want an interesting love triangle between a destined girl queen, her king, and their guard, read The Fire and Thorns series. If you want a better assassin, for fuck's sakes, even Celaena is more interesting than Zara. (I'm looking at you, Cory). Stay away from this book at all cost, if you value your sanity.