Khanh the Killjoy

Howling mad

Becoming Alpha - Aileen Erin

Stick to Twilight. This book is a fucking soap opera, y'all. You've got insta-love, a douche of a love interest, and a Mary Sue of a heroine that makes me sigh longingly for Bella Swan.

I don't know if you guys are familiar with US soap operas, but they're pretty ludicrous. They can be entertaining, if you're into that sort of shit, but frankly, I ain't got time for that. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Basically, they can stretch for like...20-30 years, and while the long-term plot is something like: WE MUST FIND OUT WHO KILLED THE DOCTOR'S WIFE'S LOVER'S BEST FRIEND IN THE INTENSIVE CARE WING OF THE HOSPITAL...the hows of getting there is pretty dumb. Essentially, in the process of finding the murderer, you'd have to see Lolita, Jezebel, and Delilah form an alliance against Charity and her sister, Compassion, while Charity is secretly in a relationship with the bad boy, Jett, but his twin brother Jaxx is fucking her in the wings (but he really thought he was screwing Compassion instead---what can I say, it was dark), and Jett and Jaxx's father, Brick is embroiled in a mess where he's being blackmailed due to his embezzling of the hospital's Orphan Fund, but one of the orphans is secretly his love child (who happens to be be Lolita's switched-at-birth sister, this family tree makes the Lannisters look normal) from a forbidden relationship he had when he was a young student in college.

I do actually have a point to make out of that stupid long-winded analogy. My point is that in a soap opera, the plot goes fucking nowhere, and what is supposed to be the actual fucking plot (in this book's case, a vampire invasion) is relegated to about 5% of the actual screen time. This book is so, so dramatic! It is so heavily romantic at the expense of a plot. It is filled with cat-fights, snarky bitchiness towards other girls, a girl who can't make up her fucking mind, and a douchenozzle of an alpha male (and Alpha wolf) of a love interest, who, runs hotter and colder than the fucking Katy Perry song (but at least with the song, I have the option of turning the station). It was such a fucking mess.

If you like Twilight with the melodrama and the romance and the stalking amped up to the nth degree, you will love this book. I'd take Bella---hell, I'd take fucking Edward Cullen over this book's so-called-swoonable dicksnozzle Dastien Laurent any day of the week. Ok, maybe not Thursday. Thursdays always finds me in a contrary mood.

Summary: Tessa's had a rough life. She's the pampered daughter of a major Hollywood lawyer and publicist who just happens to have famous movie stars and clients sidling up to him all the time, she's inherited her Latina mother's dark good looks, her family is affluent, her big brother adores his little sister. It's rough. Sooooooooo rough.

Oh, wait, it's rough because she seeeeees things, you see, Tessa has to wear gloves all the time. Without them, she seeeeeeeees things. Anything she touches, she feels "imprints" of its owner. It's really fucking vague, because there's supposed to be a fucking point to her visions, and they just seem to be random-ass crap things. This book tries to justify the visions, try to make some sense of out them, for example...

Usually when I got one from physical contact with another person, I saw the last thing that affected them emotionally.

Um. No. Not even close. I like visions, but if you're going to incorporate their use into a fucking book, it's gotta be consistent. Nothing about this book is consistent, so I should know better. Apparently, most people have their minds on sex, because I shit you not, the majority of the fucking visions within the book are of teenagers doing the horizontal tango and getting hot and heavy. Come on!

Because Tessa's life is so rough, because she's got to wear gloves all the time, Tessa can't fucking stay in a normal school for some fucking reason. She's been transferred all over the fucking place (and in Hollywood/West LA, that's a lot of fucking school she's got to choose from, trust me, I know). So her family decides to uproot themselves, and move to Nowheresville, Texas, where her father is going to give up his publicist/lawyer for the stars job to work for some crappy little private school called St. Ailbe's. But before they move there, Tessa has some viiiiiiiisions (oh, right, she can scry things, too, because she's a brujah witch by blood. She sees a young man, a handsome young man, who she's never seen before. But there's something about him!1!11 He sees into her soul! Despite having never met him before. Despite him being only a vision.

The younger one continued to stare in my direction. The look he gave me made my pulse race; it was like he was seeing through my soul. His muscles strained against his black T-shirt as he stepped toward me. His inky black hair made his amber eyes seem brighter.

So Tessa and her family moves to Texas, where teenagers are dumb rednecks who falls for just about anything. They're in love with her because she's from Hollywood, and they haz keg parties, and they buy into the fact wearing gloves is just the new fashion out of Hollywood...because surely, there's no such thing as the Internet and fashion blogs.

And then, she actually meets the boy from the vision. He's actually a man, a 20 year old man, a teacher at St. Ailbe's. His name's Dastien, and he's so fucking hot that it's a good thing that the laws defining statutory rape are extremely lax in Texas. Certainly, they have an instant connection. And it's so not weird that the second time they meet, he wants to kiss her. Nope, not weird at all. And that kiss. That fucking kiss.

Let me tell you something, when a guy you've barely met suddenly fucking grabs your face, kiss you, then bites you, then claws your shoulder, leaving you with 4-inch bloody gashes that give you a 108 degrees (that's 42.2 degrees Celsius for non-US peepz) fever that puts you in the fucking hospital suffering from excruciating pain and turns you into a werewolf, your first instinct should be to slap the living fuck out of him and yell "WHAT IN THE NAME OF SAINT MATTHEW'S HAIRY BALLS DID YOU DO TO ME, YOU HALFWITTED SON OF A MOTHERLESS TROLL", not think to yourself:

My mind was stuck on one thing. It had been an amazing kiss. The best I could ever imagine a kiss being. Even now, in pain, I’d do it again. No doubt. Something in the core of me needed him, and from the looks of him right now, the feeling was mutual.

Girl, you've got to get your fucking priorities straight.

So Tessa's life is literally fucked. She has no future, because she is a werewolf. Tessa has to transfer to St. Ailbe's, which is somehow a school for werewolves.

What happens is a fuckton of Tessa being a fucking moron. Seriously, the dumb chick is given a book called...

The Werewolf’s Bible. It’s basically a guide to everything about being a Were. It explains most of what you’ll be going through.”

SHE DOESN'T FUCKING READ IT. SHE NEVER TOUCHES THE FUCKING BOOK. Half the fucking book could have been easily omitted if she had actually read the fucking thing so every. single. character. in the fucking school doesn't have to treat her like a fucking mentally-challenged 7 year old by reiterating the rules. IN THE BOOK THAT SHE DIDN'T FUCKING READ.

You've got cat fights, cat fights, and MORE CAT FIGHTS (is it a cat fight if the girls are werewolves, too?) as the other girls resent the fact that Tessa is wanted and desired not only by fucking Dastien but all the fucking boys in the fucking yard. There are hot, hunky werewolf boys a la Jacob Black fighting themselves and wanting to claim Tessa as their mate! There's some vampire invasion somewhere in there. Maybe a few pages? I dunno.

The Characters: Why are you sooooo fucking special, Tessa?!

It made one half-white, half-Mexican, part-werewolf, part-bruja woman want to scream. I didn’t fit into any nice little box in Los Angeles, and I sure didn’t fit into any of Mr. Hoel’s boxes now that I added a hefty dose of werewolf into the mix.

Tessa's not only a witch who sees things, but she's an extra-special witch because she can see visions without touching things as if her brain were a fucking TV. She's not only a werewolf, but she's an extra-special fucking werewolf, and even more special because she was able to be turned! Because it's soooooooo rare that a female gets turned through an actual werewolf bite.

Only one in a hundred guys can survive the transformation. And almost no girls live through it, more like one in ten thousand.

You're one in a miiiiiiillion, Tessa!!!! I don't give a fuck.

All the boys fight over her! All the girls (except for one) everywhere she goes, at normal school, at St. Ailbe's---are slutty bitches who don't want her near their boyfriends! The amount of hormones in this book is just unbelievable.

The Romance: DEAR GOD, WHY? I felt like a counselor at a home for battered women reading this book! Dastien, or, as I like to call him in my head---Bastard-ien, is a fucking douche canoe. As I said, he fucking BIT her without her permission. By doing that (against the werewolf law, if I may add, and Tessa would have known that if she had READ THE FUCKING WEREWOLF BIBLE), he pretty much claimed her. Ruined her life. She has nowhere to go. She HAS to go to St. Ailbe's. College? Fuck that. A choice of a boyfriend? Fuck that. She is sentenced to being a werewolf for the rest of her very, very, very long life, and Tessa can't make up her fucking mind whether she's angry at him or not!!

Even her poor family knows better! Listen to this conversation! Her family has some sense!

Axel got in my face. “You can’t actually want to date that guy. He attacked you—”
My cheeks burned. “Attacked is a bit of a harsh word for what happened.” I couldn’t stand by and let them think that about Dastien. “It was an accident.”
“And the next time he hits you?” Mom asked.
My mouth dropped open. Holy crapola. They thought I was in an abusive relationship?

YOU KIND OF ARE, TESSA, YOU BIRDBRAIN! Dastien BIT YOU. Accident, my fucking arse!

Dastien alternately ignores Tessa and acts like she's his property. He growls and punches and beats the living crap out of any guy who dares look at Tessa out of the corner of their eyes. Dastien is a fucking stalker. And Tessa likes it!!!!

“I wouldn’t let you out of my sight if I could manage it.”
I tugged on his hand. “Not cool. That’s more than a little stalker-ish, dude.”
He gazed down at me. “I thought girls liked that kind of thing.”
“Yeah. It’s kind of nice.” I grinned.

We've got a healthy relationship here, ladies and gentlemen!