Khanh the Killjoy

Not only was he a danger to me physically, he was dangerous to my heart. And now I had a new worry: how many innocent people did I condemn to death because I saved his life?

This book is teenaged wish fulfillment at its most insipid. It is banal, it is tired old recycled tripe; I can't even hate it because the author does such a good job of catering to a very specific audience so well. It is a Twilight clone of the highest order, and of the lowest quality.

Do you want a lesson on unoriginality? Read this book. This book will sell, and I predict that it sells well because it captures everything that an audience with a taste for a starry-eyed love affair will ever want. More discerning readers will want to stay away because this book is fantasy-driven xerox of a million other Young Adult Twilight clones.

How do you write an YA fantasy that caters solely to a starry-eyed girl's fantasies? You take everything that is bad, everything that is a trope, a cliché in YA paranormal and fantasy and you put it together in one neat package.

There is nothing original about this book. The romance is of the insta-love sort. There is no courtship, there is no building of relationships. There is, however:

1. A moonlit fantasy of a romance, with adamant declarations of eternal love before 1/4 of the book is through

2. A love triangle between a plain-but-really-beautiful girl who, upon discovering that she is "different," captures the heart of two vastly different, astoundingly handsome young men.

The Tropes:

1. The "Different" Girl:

“You’re different from them.”
Story of my life. I’d always been different, never fit in, but he had no idea how different I felt lately. “That’s probably not a compliment, but I’ll take it as one.”

Did you hear that? That's the sound of me rolling my eyes. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have another special girl on our hand.



Cora. The one girl who has always felt, somehow, that she is DIFFERENT from everyone else.

Because fuck DNA, right? Fuck the fact that every single one of us is different. Fuck the fact that every single one of us is individual to the very strands of our building blocks.

I hate it when characters label themselves as "different." You are not. Claiming you are "different" is meaningless, and to me, it loudly declares "I AM A SPECIAL FUCKING SNOWFLAKE."

Get the fuck over yourself.

2. The Beautiful Girl Who Doesn't See It:

All I inherited from my mother was my fair Irish complexion. My curvy figure was pure Chileno, as was my hair: deep brown, almost black, and wild as if it had been wound around thick tree branches every night.

Tree branches, huh? You don't say! So here's a girl with pale, beautiful, flawless skin, curvy in just the right places, hair that's beautifully, enviably thick...



...and she thinks she's just freakin' ordinary, y'all.

Oh, and her lashes! They're just too fucking long! LONG EYELASHES ARE SOOOOOO UGLY.

It was me in the picture, without a doubt. The same wild hair, the same big green eyes and spider lashes. I remembered getting in huge trouble for cutting them one day because a boy at the park told me they looked like spider’s legs.

Give me a break.

3. The Attractive Aura:

“There’s something different about you that draws people to you. Grace was like that.” He glanced up at me, then quickly back down at his glass. “It’s always been this way. When you were little, it was animals. Any stray thing would follow you home. No sooner would I take you to a park than a bunch of kids would be trailing after you. Even adults, they’d stare.”

I'm sorry, Cora, is your other name The Pied Piper?

4. The OTHER Aura: Cora is special, we've established that, but not only is she different, not only is she special without knowing it, not only is she beautiful without knowing it, she also has the ability to see auras.

And she has an aura herself.

One that nobody else has.

A silver aura.

All morning long I had floundered in my classes, distracted by the subtle haze surrounding my classmates and teachers and the gradations of the colors around them.

It was confusing, and rather than forging a connection to people, it made me feel more different and alone than ever. Especially because the only color I ever saw radiating from myself was bright silver. It never varied.

Not once did I see another person with a silver shadow like mine.

Well, tarnation! Even her aura is special. So special, you can say it's...mythological. Like a fucking unicorn.

“I’ve read about it, or heard about it. I can’t remember which. But I do remember this—silver ones are very rare. Almost mythological. So rare they’re thought to be wiped from the earth.”

I say "Neigh."

5. Mysterious, Dark, Handsome Young Trope Lover: We have in one corner, the darkly handsome Irishman Finn. The sexy guy with the Irish accent that you can hardly tell it's there, because, well...it's not. Just accept the fact that he has an accent. And that it's sexy.

Naturally, all the most popular girls in school go after Finn. Including Serena, the stunningly beautiful Queen Bee.

Serena eyed Finn with a predatory glint, following his gaze to where I sat. She sauntered over to where he was set up, leaned in boob-grazingly close, and whispered something in his ear.

But fuck bitches, fuck 'em all. Even Finn says so.

Finn stopped. “Shut your gob, you thundering bitch.”

OH, WHAT A FUCKING GENTLEMAN YOU ARE. YOU CALLED ANOTHER GIRL A BITCH JUST FOR ME. DON'T I FEEL SO FUCKING SPECIAL NOW.



Because NOTHING turns me on more than a guy who calls another girl a bitch. Are you fucking serious? You sorry excuse of a man.

They fall in love so rapidly, so astonishingly fast. In one moment, they're just talking, the next moment, she's sobbing her heart out to him as he holds her, still in the next, he looks lovingly into her eyes as he reassures her that she is his, love eternal. They're practically soul mates by the time the book is 1/3 of the way through.

His mouth moved softly against my neck. “Since I met you, nothing else exists. No one has ever touched me the way you do. You’re like a fookin’ hypnotist. I don’t know what you do to me, Cora Sandoval, but I can’t stay away from you.” He released me and stood back. “I can’t. I’m here, standing in front of you because I can’t.”

He cocked his head, blinked, and grinned. “You’re radiant, Cora. It’s the only word I can think of. You have a special light about you. People try so hard to shine. You do nothing, and you eclipse them all.”

6. Mysterious, Golden, Handsome Young Trope Lover:

What's better than having one guy in love with you?! That's right! Having TWO guys in love with you for no fucking reason at all! Since Finn is all, like, dark and mysterious and stuff, the other guy's gotta be a blond, right? But also mysterious. LET'S MAKE HIM A BLOND DANISH-ITALIAN! (He's also got a heavy Italian accent, shh, just believe it!)

Giovanni smiled and gave a slight nod. “My mother, she was Danish. I take after her a bit on the outside. But on the inside, I’m pure Italian.”
He sure was. Mix a young Nordic Viking with a Roman emperor and you’d have Giovanni Teso.

And there you have it, your teenaged love triangle fantasy come true. Fan-fucking-tastic.

7. The Star-Crossed Lovers: Naturally, their families don't want them to hook up. It's less Romeo and Juliet, and more Twilight.

She smoothed her tightly drawn hair against her scalp. “I had hoped Finn was simply being melodramatic about his affections toward you. I had hoped it was merely a crush, as he is too young for any serious involvement. But I see it’s too late.” I’d never before heard someone use the word “hope” like a spear.

Their families have Secrets That Must Not Be Revealed.

8. Speaking of Secrets: We have secrets aplenty. It's fucking dumb. It is a fact that the more you conceal from your kids, the more they will try to discover the fucking secret. It's another fact that if it's your kid's life on the line, you should fucking inform them. Especially when it's the fate of the world at stake.

I would like to find Finn's mother and Cora's father and sterilize them both.

9. Let's Run Away and Trust My Life To The Guy I've Known for All of 5 Minutes: Ireland. It is a long way from California. Half a world away. I am a grown-ass woman, my parents would be concerned if I were to all of a sudden run away to Ireland. Cora is 17-year old girl, who really, really fucking easily runs away to Ireland without any consequences at all.

And Finn's mom? Man, it's not like it's a criminal matter with serious legal consequences to hide a teenaged runaway or anything. Let's just let her stay in your enormous beautiful Irish mansion by the sea.

Of course it's a fucking mansion by the sea. Like Cora would ever be forced to stay in something so fucking unglamorous as a youth hostel when she runs away from home.

Christ on a cracker.

THE WRITING: I wouldn't say it's full of purple prose...but it's not good. There is a tremendous amount of really, really weird metaphors and figures of speeches that are just plain stupid.

Dad didn’t answer her. He did that—left questions lying on the ground like dirty socks.

And...

“Thanks. Seriously though, your mouth is talking fashion,” Mari said, leveling her gaze at me, “but you look like you were just visited by a clown carrying a doll, with slasher music playing.”

And let's not forget the illustrious rock and roll, teddy-bear hugging, maddeningly handsome Finn.

He looked like a rock-star poet, all the dark temptation of a rebel mixed with a sweetness, like maybe his biggest secret was the teddy bear under his pillow.

That messy blue-black hair, the scruff of beard, the spiral tattoo peeking out of his collar that teased me with mysteries carved in stones in the fog-drenched moss of Ireland.

Just stick to Twilight, really, if you are into this stuff. Why read a clone?