Khanh the Killjoy

You are Haden. An out-of-favor prince of the Underrealm. You are---by miracle to end all miracles, The One.

“I am the infallible voice of the universe,” the priest says, his voice echoing as the Oracle speaks through him once again. “I have chosen my Champion. The boy is the one who can save you.”

You are the savior of your people. You alone are chosen to bring the Cypher back, to restore what the Skylords have taken from the Underrealm.

So, uh, how exactly are you going to do that, young Haden?

“You’re going to have to get her to fall in love with you.”

The powers of Zeus compels thee to go fuck thyself.

This book had a lot of potential that completely and utterly failed when the girl in question appeared on the scene. To give it some credit, it was pretty interesting---at first. This book worked with the myths of Persephone and the Underworld, with quite few liberties taken on the myths of Hades.

That much of the book was enjoyable, which is to say, roughly 100 pages of the actual 512 page length of the book was actually devoted to the plot itself. The rest of the book was filler fluff. The love story between a Garu Stu and a Mary Sue.

Summary: Meet Haden. The prince of darkness. He is The One (as he loves to remind us every few pages). Fallen out of favor with his father as a young child (apparently showing emotion when your beloved mother dies is a big no-no in the Underworld), he has fought against the odds. His people have been awaiting this day for years. Meticulous amounts of planning has been put forth for this day. For today! TODAY! The Champion of the people, the savior of the Underrealm, shall be chosen!

There are no shortage of well-trained warriors, including is astounding, annoyingly perfect twin, Rowan. These hardened young warriors have all been trained within an inch of their lives in hopes of being selected for this favor.

Haden hasn't been so fortunate. He is shit out of luck. His dad (King Ren) hates him, the court thinks he is a simpering coward (who can blame them, really), his twin despises him.

Against all these well-trained warriors, Haden is kind of underwhelming. He is considered a "nursling," he has not had the appropriate training, he is completely ill-prepared for anything thrown at him.

But Haden is chosen by the Oracle, anyway.

"You are the Champion that fate has chosen to bring her to us. This quest is your destiny. The fate of the Underrealm lies on your shoulders, young Haden."

...aaaaaaaaand off Haden goes onto Earth.

Meanwhile, on Earth, specifically, Ellis Fields (Elysian Fields, get it?! Ha ha ha!), Daphne Raines lives with her mother, Demi Raines (Demi => DEMETER! SO BRILLIANT!). Her mother is overprotective...and you can't really blame her. Her daughter is the kind of girl who actually considered walking off with a stranger who showed up in the middle of her hospital room in the middle of the night (no joke, I swear).

So mommy's a little overprotective, and seriously, if you know about the myth of Persephone and Demeter, who can blame her, right? Daphne is 17. Daphne is so loyal to her mother. So loyal to her mom that it took a whole lot of convincing to get her to leave her mom to live with her rich rock-star dad who abandoned both Daphne and her mom when she was just a baby.

And by a lot of convincing, I mean, like, 2 words.

“I’m going,” I say as definitively as I can. “I want to go. This school Joe is offering is everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m going.”

WAY TO ABANDON YOUR MOM, DAPHNE.



Daphne is now enrolled in the super prestigious Olympus Hills High (Olympus! Like Mount Olynpus! So clever!) in Apollo Canyon (BRILLIANT!). She has an audition for this performing arts high school. She needs to practice.

Her dad is a musician. The whole house is a fucking mansion. Daphne feels the urge to go practice her audition in a grove.

Why the grove?

...the grove’s song is calling to me.

Oh. I see. Wait, what?

I am always following some sound or song, trying to find the source. That time I crashed my bike on Canyon Road and ended up in the hospital in Saint George.
"No, it was a Joshua tree. It was singing at the bottom of the hill. Its song was so pretty, I wanted to find it.”

...and that's where she meets Haden. Haden, who has never heard music in his life.

“Singing.” I know that word; I have just never heard the sound that it applies to. It has always been an abstract concept to me until now. “Is that what you call that?”

/facepalm

Daphne. She is his quest. She is the Cypher. According to the legend, she is supposed to come with him willingly. So, naturally, if she says "I'll come with you willingly," that works, right?

“Say you’ll come with me.” She has to say it. I advance toward her. “You have to say you’ll come.”

Because approaching a strange girl and dragging her away always works.

And if that fails, stalk her!

I need to study Daphne’s movements, just like I would with that hydra I hunted down last year for the Feast of Return. I stalked its movements for days. I knew its favorite places to go. Where it ate and slept. Where it was most vulnerable...before I made my move.

Totally not creepy at all.

But Haden is not helpless in his quest! He is a Prince of the Underrealm, after all! He has powerful tools at his disposal, tools like...the iPhone!

“It’s an iPhone,” he says. “And it’s the most important tool you’ll need in the mortal world.”

Not only that! Haden has the use of the amazing, the astounding...Youtube!

“However, this next feature is the most important.” He clicks on an icon that says YouTube and holds the phone up in front of me.

Now, if only Googling actually worked the way he intended.

My online research into “how to get a girl to like me” had suggested, time and time again, that to win a human girl over, I had to be mean to her. I’d spent the bulk of class either ignoring her, contradicting her, or acting like a “bad boy,” which I gather meant showing off my muscles and leaning back in my chair after saying something sexually derogatory.

Meanwhile, girls have been mysteriously disappearing in and around Olympus High. The Mysterious Haden might be in on it, after all, Haden is the creeper who tried to grab Daphne in the grove. Daphne knows NOTHING about Haden, as evident by her list of Things I Know About Haden Lord:

Name: Haden Lord.
Age: 16? 17?
Hair: Dark brown, almost black
Eyes: Jade green (but sometimes look like they have bright amber rings around the pupils?)
Occupation: Part-time pirate

(I'm not kidding, this is a list in the book)

He may be creepy. But he's so sexy in a vampire-pirate kind of way (her words, not mine). Haden may be responsible for the murder and/or kidnap of several girls, but SO WHAT. He's a good person. She just knows it in her soooooooul.

"How do you know he wasn’t the one who was trying to hurt her in the first place?”
I shake my head in frustration. “Because I just do. And I don’t think he had anything to do with what happened to Pear, either. I was mistaken about that. He’s not evil. He’s just different.”

Oh, wait. Haden's supposed to save his people, something like that? I'm sorry, the plot GOT COMPLETELY LOST IN THE HIGH SCHOOL THEATRICS. Literal theatrics. This is a performing arts high school, after all.

Sigh.

The Mary Sue: Meet Daphne. She is gorgeous without knowing it. Daphne is Amazonian in stature, stunningly blonde and tan, which is somehow better than a bitchy mean girl who is blonde and tan, just like her. Daphne is just better.

I realize then that her description would kind of match mine. Tall, tan, and blond. Though she is of the bleached variety and her tan probably comes from an airbrush—while mine is from living in the desert.

Her voice is amazing. Like Adele. Only with a better range.

My normal voice isn’t high-pitched, like most of the female singers’ on the radio. I have a lower, slightly gravelly quality. Like Adele’s. But I can also sing higher if I want.

Other girls hate her for her perfection. They admit it to her face. They sing her praises while hating her.

“You’re a natural blond, naturally fit— hello, all the mayonnaise on that sandwich—and most of all, you’re a natural singer. I, on the other hand, have to go to a stylist every six weeks to keep my hair color fabulous, do an hour of Pilates every morning to look this rocking, and I’ve had six different vocal coaches since I was five years old. I’ve had to work to get this voice. You just have it.”

"Don’t deny it, Daphne, you know you’re special. You’ve just got it, and people can see it. They can hear it.”

And speaking of other girls...

Daphne: Better Than You: Daphne is better than everyone. She does not have a single rival in the book.



Her only passable female friend (who is inferior to her), is a scholarship girl. A dull, brown mouse, unremarkable in every way. All the other girls in the book are bitches. Mean Girls, who call their own clique "The Sopranos" (performing arts high school...Sopranos! Get it? Get it?! Lol!11!1). Eveyone hates her. Everyone envies her.

Her mother is not to be trusted nor loved because she is overprotective. Her closest female friend from home conveniently disappears. The only good friend she has in the book is a guy.

The Gary Stu: The One. The Special Guy (stop reminding us). He has a special destiny. He is a savior. OK ENOUGH ALREADY. So exactly what does he do in order to fulfil his mission?

1. Falls Into Insta-love.

Energy pulses through my body, stronger than my heartbeat. The sunlight streaming through the canopy of the grove glints off her golden hair, and the curves of her body make my hands prickle with heat that is unlike what I normally experience before a surge of lightning. Her blue eyes, brighter than the mortal world’s sky, meet mine.

2. WHAT MISSION? Her hair is so pretty ;_;

A soft breeze catches her golden hair, blowing a few stray strands about her face. I feel the sudden urge to reach out and catch one in my fingers. A strange heat tingles through my body at the thought.

The Plot: Got completely lost in all the romance and all the drama of Daphne's life. She has to deal with a drunk rock star dad. She has to deal with her clingy BFF who wants to be her BF Tobin. She has to deal with all the jealousies of the girls at school. She has to prove that SHE HAZ TALENT. She has to give Haden music lessons.

What plot?

The Romance:

“He’s crazy,” I mumble to myself as I lead Joe toward the house. “He’s daft,” Joe agrees.
“He’s insane.”
“He’s mental,” Joe says.
“I don’t even think he’s human.”
“And I can’t believe I kissed him!”

That pretty much describes the romance in this book perfectly.

If that's not enough, there's a love triangle between the crazy Haden and a nice guy who is so friend-zoned you wouldn't believe.

Don't suffer through 512 pages of this.

Quotes taken from an uncorrected proof subject to change in the final edition.