Khanh the Killjoy

I give up -_-

Mafia Girl - Deborah Blumenthal
“Two under, DUI, speeding, no license, possibly stolen vehicle, resisting.”
“We. Are. Fucked,” Ro whispers.
“Yeah,” I whisper back, staring at Officer Hottie. “But it was so worth it.”

DNF @ 50%

I read some mightily terrible books, so I hope you guys understand how severely bad this book was in order for me to call it quits. I HATE marking books DNF. I usually leave them languishing on my shelves, hoping that one day I will revisit them and like them better. Not this one. This book deserves the guillotine of death.

This book is about a girl who is a stalker. I call out enough male stalkers in books to know one, and it doesn't matter if the stalker is fucking male or female. If you pursue someone when they don't want you to, you are insane. If you stalk someone without their knowledge, if you follow them to their usual hangout spots, you are a stalker. Just because a stalker is female doesn't mean she gets a free pass. There will be no double standards.

I know reality shows are all the rage everywhere now, but as a 'Murican, I am going to proudly (or not) proclaim that we have some of the worst reality TV shows out there. For example, there is a reality show called Mob Wives.

Mob Wives is about the wives and families of the men who have been arrested for their alleged connection to the US Mafia. And it just terrible. Much like this book.

The main character in this book is simply intolerable. Gia does not merely grate on my nerves, she rips them to bloody shreds. In the interest of fairness, I will call out a stalker when I see one, whether they're male or female.

The main character in this book is a 17-year old girl who will endlessly pursue (and come close to stalking) the guy she wants until he gives in.

The Plot...what's there of it: The book starts off with Gia and her friend getting drunk, stealing a car, and getting caught by cops. This would be a terrible thing, were it not for the fact that Gia's father is the Mafia boss, the "cappo di tutto i cappi...". Which is completely misspelled in the blurb, as my Italian friend will tell you.

Gia's father's lawyer ("Super Mario," yes, I am completely fucking serious) will get her off the hooks. Gia will not get into trouble at all, and getting arrested for underaged drinking/DUI is the best day of Gia's life because Gia got to meet Officer Hottie. Whom she then begins to doggedly pursue. Or stalk. Same thing.

Officer Hottie is Michael Cross. And there is insta-love.

“You,” he says. “ID.”
I turn to look up at him and he looks back at me and something like the wattage they must use for the electric chair shoots through me from head to toe. Because the cop is about the hottest thing on the face of the universe, and I am ready to roll on my back—but I mean, a cop?

He is so not interested in Gia, because hello, she is 17.

Michael is probably horny and feeling guilty and conflicted in his cop role, but more than that, scared shitless because I’m seventeen, not to mention the don’s daughter.

So not only is Gia pursuing a cop who is uninterested in her, she is pursuing a cop while being the daughter of the city's biggest crime boss.

“Gia. Someone like you does not fall for a cop. He wants to fry your tail. He wants your whole family to fry. He’s probably up nights fantasizing about locking up your dad, so wake the fuck up.”

Clearly, not the wisest idea. She has seen Michael for all of one time before convincing herself that he is her One Twoo Wuv. He may act uninterested in her, but he's just lying to himself, because Gia KNOWS in her guts that Michael wants her.

If there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that I have an unfailingly sharp radar when it comes to picking up vibes on how men feel about me. And even though, yes, I might be completely deranged, I am convinced that I just have to work on Michael Cross.

She only has his name, but Gia's not the daughter of the Mafia crime lord for nothing. Gia tracks him down to a bar, a cop hangout. Despite the fact that she's grounded and she's underages, she follows him to that bar. And waits for him to appear.

I’m headed for a bar filled with lowlifes because I’m blind with longing for the cop who busted me.

Michael swears left and right that he's uninterested in her. Gia doesn't listen.

“You never called,” I say.
“You didn’t want to?”
His eyes meet mine and he looks away first. “I didn’t want to,” he says robotically, looking back at me with a steady stare.

Gia blindly pursues Michael until he's too tired, too weary to deal with it all. She counts down the minutes and seconds until she can see him again. Gia is a woman obsessed.

“This is fucked up, Gia,” he hisses. “Can’t you see that?”
“It’s not, Michael. It’s real.”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “It’s wrong.”

Gia's Idiocy:

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like we ditch school and go joyriding and get picked up by hot cops on a regular basis. This was singular.

Not quite. Gia is an "A Student" who works ard for her grades. Or so she tells us. It's not true. Gia demonstrates nothing of intelligence in the book. She doesn't know what a "prototype" is. She smokes. She drinks. She does drugs. She barely spends a moment on her schoolwork and yet completely shames every single girl in school for their idiocy. If you are going to sell me an "intelligent" character, you better provide some fucking proof.

Gia is a hypocrite. She is constantly harping on the fact that her father is the crime boss and she hates her family because she is not like that. Yeah, Gia hates her Mafia-crime family until she can use them to get something she wants. Like a dress.

And omigod. It is undoubtedly. The. Hottest. Dress. In. The. Universe.

It is a designer dress for a photoshoot, and Gia wants it. The people at the Vogue photoshoot won't let her have it. It's a one-of-a-kind dress.

“Start talking to them about buying the dress,” I whisper, pointing to it hanging over a chair.
“No,” I hear them say when he asks. “No, it’s impossible, impossible. We have to FedEx it back to Paris.”

So it's time to pull the Mafia name into play.

But Frankie keeps pushing and takes out his fat roll and starts counting out the hundreds, then adjusts the Glock in his ankle holster, getting impatient, cursing them out, and within a split second, they are exchanging looks and then packing up the dress, which he got for just under a thousand dollars

It must be so nice to be able to pick and choose your morals.

The Rest, Blah Blah Blah: The writing is juvenile, sprinkled with WTFs and LOLs. The characters are caricatures, unrealistic and filled with tropes. Everyone who dislikes Gia are:

1) Bitches
2. Assholes
3. Stupid bitches and assholes

Gia's best friends are not used as relationship-building as they are a tool of deus ex fucking machina. Clive is her best friend, an ambiguously asexual/metrosexual trope for whom the sun rises and sets on Gia. He is wealthy enough, powerful enough, and brilliant enough to give Gia everything she needs, be it top-secret information, a bodyguard, or a Porsche.

Fuck this book.