Khanh the Killjoy

Gravity...wants to bring me down :(

Gravity - Melissa West
“Let me make sure I understand—you want me to lie to my dad, turn my back on my species, my people? Do you really expect me to trust an Ancient over my own family?”
“No, but I hope you’ll surprise me.”
I fix my gaze on Jackson. “Consider it done.”

I have no words.

This is your typical teenaged-heroine-saves-the-world book that really doesn't have anything new to add the standard range of YA tropes:

- The main character is really smart (but makes tremendously dumb choices)
- Her love interest is a stalker (but it's ok, because he's just protecting her while she's taking off her clothes)
- There's no point in kicking some ass when you have a boy there to protect you (even if you're more than capable of doing it)
- The human race is full of assholes
- There's going to be a love hexagon triangle
- Evolution doesn't work, because futuristic humans are really, really stupid
- Aliens are horrifying dumb despite their supposed age, technology, and sagacity

For example, this is how they disguise themselves:

“But they aren’t like us. If you look closely you can see their skin is neither white nor brown, neither light nor dark. See,” she says, tapping the screen, “it’s almost golden."

According to that definition, I'm pretty sure 90% of my Goodreads friends are aliens. Oh, but they have swirly blue/green eyes. WHY NOT JUST UN-SWIRLY THEM THEN? They can make themselves look human but they can't get fucking normal eyes? Maaaaan.

The Summary:

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. All I know is that I’m in trouble, maybe even we’re in trouble, yet all I can think about is the way he just said my name. Ari. He says it like I’m more than just a girl who everyone recognizes but no one sees.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ari Alexander. One day, she will be your military leader.

Lock your doors. Hide your children. Fear for your lives.

Let's start at the beginning. It's the year 2140, World War IV has passed, and humans are pretty much fucked because everything went BOOM during a nuclear war (always the nuclear war. Always). Thanks to radiation and shit, the earth is pretty much a wasteland; Mother Nature doesn't really have much in her womb anymore. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN. Enter the aliens, or, as we call them, Ancients. The Earth's remaining population is suffering from all sorts of evils like famine, disease, and Justin Bieber (there's one in every generation); instead of letting us rot in our own shit, the Awesome Ancients decide to help us out! They're gonna fix the earth, make it so that we can plant again, give us time and space to grow and rebuild. All we have to do is let them go on top of us for a few hours a night.

Wait, what?

Get your mind out of the gutter, it's just a simple exchange of bodily fluids, ok?

Wait, what?

OK, LET ME REPHRASE THAT. They're sucking out our antibodies. There's nothing sexual about it. But MAN, their bodily fluids taste awesome!

A single drop of liquid hits my lip, and reflexively I lick it away. My taste buds explode with flavor. A perfect mixture of sweet and sour, warm and cold.

ALIEN SEMEN, YUM! I'm just kidding. Really.

Ok, time to get back on track.

Ari Alexander is 17. She is going to be a Commander (military-type thingy) when she grows up. It's a position that will pass onto her through the current Commander, her father. Ari has been raised her entire life to be a fierce combatant, a future leader, one who will serve and protect her country.

And she totally sells out to the aliens in about 5 minutes. One night, Ari couldn't find the Patch that'll make her unconscious before the aliens go on top of her, and as a result, she remains awake. She sees the Alien, only...she knows this alien. He (it?) goes to her school.

It—he—hovers above me as light as air. A bright glow encircles him. His eyes are closed. A sweet smile rests on his perfect face.
My Ancient is Jackson Locke.

Jackson goes to her school. This isn't good, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. There are rules about this, the aliens are not supposed to be on Earth without permission. They're sure as fuck not supposed to be in school with her.

This is a HUGE security breach. Ari should notify her dad, the Commander, who will then notify the Prime Minister, who will notify the world's leaders, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. But Jackson's not a bad person (or so he says). He's just trying to prevent war from happening between humans and aliens. In order to do that, he needs to enlist Ari's aid.

What is Ari going to do? Is she going to tell her dad, the experienced military man? Or is she going to take the word of someone who's lied to her all along?

Wanna guess?

And is she going to be able to save two entire species while falling in love? ;_;?

"Did you completely allow your feelings to overcome your logic?”
I grasp the wall to keep from falling.

The Aliens: Also known as: DUMBASSES.

Ok, as I mentioned above, the humans and aliens are at war. Secretly. Neither side knows that the other side is planning to annihilate each other, except for Jackson and Ari, who are trying to be the middleman (it took me awhile to figure out, this book made it really, really confusing). Apparently, the aliens need Earth because it has water, and they need human antibodies in order to go down to Earth and get water, with the caveat that one day they will Coexist with us on earth.

Uh, so why not just kill us earlier, and be done with it. Seriously, why the fuck not?

I don’t know if Jackson overestimates the Ancients or underestimates us, but I do know they have abilities and advanced technology far beyond anything we’ve even considered.

The aliens SAVED humans when we were falling apart, why not just, you know, take our antibodies and then KILL EVERYONE. Easier, right? You can't tell me that these aliens developed all this technology, all this intelligence, all these skills while being completely peaceful people. And now they're apparently willing to kill the people of Earth in 2140 because we're rebelling, so why not just save the trouble and kill us off while we were at our weakest? What's the fucking point of allowing us to rebuild and improve our technology, give us back our food, clean our water, etc? You don't want your food putting up a fight, man.

Dumb fucking aliens.

The Humans: Also known as: THE OTHER DUMBASSES. It's 2140. There's hardly any food, you have to eat food pills instead. An actual meal can cost a normal person a month's salary. Yet we've got advanced technology so that we can aspire to Bite The Hands That Feed Us. We don't have countries anymore, we have continents, and a Presidential position for each of the continents. African President, European President, Asian President, etc (no idea how that happened). Forget about States in the US, those are, like, poof!

And apparently we've regressed (somehow) to a hereditary system. We have three major sectors, the Chemists, the Parliament, the Engineers (no idea how that got established), basically the people who make shit, the people who rule over shit, and the people who protect the people who rule over shit. Leadership positions, such as the President and the Commander are hereditary, meaning they're passed on from parent to child (irregardless of sex). Ok, that kinda works, except for...

The Australian Trinity has since been dissolved, thanks to the last leader being unable to have children to continue the legacy of the founding Australian leader.

What. The. Fuck?

Are you telling me that we're so fucking stupid in the future that YOU CAN'T JUST ELECT ANOTHER PRESIDENT? Hell, they did it in Medieval times? A king dies without children, EVERYONE FIGHTS FOR THE FUCKING THRONE (so sorry, Joffrey). And a thousand years in the future, WE'RE LETTING AN ENTIRE CONTINENT PRETTY MUCH GO TO PICES BECAUSE WE CAN'T SIMPLY ELECT AN HEIR?

I have no words for this stupidity. PEOPLE OF THE FUTURE, YOU FAIL ME.

Trust a Pretty Face:

"I know you don’t trust me, and I don’t blame you, but at least wait until I can explain.” He bends down in front of me so we’re eye to eye. “Can I count on you to keep this a secret? Just please—”
“All right,” I say.

For someone who's been spoonfed military strategy and combat skills with a tough-as-nails dad her entire fucking life, Ari is a fucking moron. Why the fuck does she trust Jackson 5 minutes after she discovers that he's an alien who's been hiding under her nose?! Her dad is the military expert, where's the loyalty? Where's the family trust? Why the fuck are you choosing to believe in someone who's supposed to be your potential enemy, the source of much fear and suspicion? Someone from a species you're been scared of your whole life? Don't be a fucking idiot. In the real world, would you trust a spy? Someone from an enemy nation? Someone you KNOW is capable of killing the entire human race, if not just you? No!

The Characters: Are without character. Really, they're so fucking bland. Jackson's kind of an asshole, except he's not really. He uses his "I'M AN ALIEN" excuse to be in her room all. the. fucking. time. He's kind of a playboy, but not really. He's kind of nice, but not really. Ari is kind of kick-ass, except she falls in love a lot, and then she keeps having these awkward moments with Jackson when they're supposed to be having secret spy meetings. I can't even find much to mock about them because they're both just so insufferably fucking dull.

The Romance: *takes a deep breath* Ari is engaged to Lawrence, who likes Ari a lot, but might have a crush on Gretchen, who's Ari's best friend, who can't really help the way she feels, but Ari is secretly in love with Jackson, who is supposed to be dating MacKenzie, who has loved him but he doesn't return her feelings.

That's a mouthful. I can't even mock the romance because, once again, it is so DULL, like the characters. There's no spark whatsoever. There's a halfhearted hint of a love triangle between Ari and Jackson and Lawrence but I don't give a flying fuck because they were so boring. Honestly, there's more chemistry between me and the 70-year old retiree who hogged my machine at the gym today.

Overall: A book with a questionable settings, really boring characters, and an action-packed second half that somehow manages to bore me out of my mind.