Khanh the Killjoy

Off with her head!

The Boleyn King - Laura Andersen

Dear Anne Boleyn:

I'm so sorry for the way you died. I hated the way you were branded witch, whore, traitor; I shudder in horror at how you died, beheaded, reviled by a nation, betrayed by your own husband.

But man, the alternative if you had lived is so fucking dull.

After your death, you've been the subject and inspiration of many works of poetry, literature, films. You are now a legend, everything from the aforementioned witch, to temptress, to innocent woman caught in the middle of a vast web of manipulation. I'm sorry to say that your horrible, untimely death granted you your current mystique.

But had you actually given birth to a son, things would have sucked. For readers, that is. For, you see, your beloved Tudor Court is now usurped by a fucking Mary Sue. Her name is Minuette. And she's the most adorable thing in the entire world.

Minuette is the daughter of your imaginary French maid, now your ward. Her real name is Gwendolyn. She is lovely beyond words. Minuette is so fucking darlin' that the 5-year old Princess Elizabeth gives her the nickname of "Minuette" when she can barely pronounce the actual word she intended to use, which is "mignonette."

Elizabeth thought me too little for the name my French mother had given me. She attempted to call me Mignonette—meaning dainty and darling—but her three-year-old tongue did not pronounce it properly. I have been Minuette to my friends ever since.

Never mind how a three-year old can even SPEAK French. D'aww! Isn't that just fucking cute and improbable! Tas de merde!

She's so cute and charming and adorable and charming and beautiful and charming and lovely and charming that she charms eeeeeeeveryone in the whole fucking world.

Did I forget to say say she's charming? She is ^_^ . Minuette is adored by everyone she meets. Minuette is not only beautiful, but charming, and so nice and naive and innocent that nobody can hate her. EVER!

Minuette had always had charm—not the studied, showy type, but natural as breath and as much a part of her as her honey-coloured hair.

Elizabeth might have hated her for that charm, if Minuette weren’t so utterly without guile.

JUST TRY TO HATE HER, BITCHES. Let's see, who loves Minuette?

- Dowager Queen Anne: The orphaned (of course) Minuette is so beloved that after her mother's death, Queen Anne takes her on as her ward, to be Elizabeth's lady's maid and playmate.

- (The late) King Henry: So sweet, so charming, that even little itty bitty baby Minuette is adored by King Henry VIII over his own child, Princess Elizabeth.

Though he’d complimented Elizabeth’s mind, it was nine-year-old Minuette who had disarmed him. When the formidable, enormous King Henry had left, it had been Minuette whom he’d hugged goodbye.

Henry's just a big ole' softy, isn't he?!

- Princess Elizabeth: Minuette is now Elizabeth's lady's maid, and she has Elizabeth wrapped around her wee adorable charming fingers.

“William has given you leave?” Elizabeth let her annoyance leak out. “You are a member of my household.”
“And you would never say no to me.” Minuette smiled triumphantly.

- King William: That's right! Queen Anne had given birth to a son, after all. His name is William and he is England's 17-year old king. Who is head over heels in love with Minuette.

“I can’t see her yet. Not yet, Elizabeth. I need time to...” To forget the smell of her hair and the taste of her skin and the feel of her body against mine. To forget that I wanted her so desperately I’d have overthrown all honour to have her at that moment, with [a dead body] lying dead not ten feet away.


- Dominic: William's young mentor and best friend, his most trusted advisor---AND EMBROILED IN A LOVE TRIANGLE WITH MINUETTE! Bros before hos? Hardly.

When he at last entered the great hall, his eyes went straight to Minuette with the unerring instinct of a man besotted.

- EEEEEEEEVERYONE: Courtiers, noblemen, ambassadors, everyone adooooooores Minuette. She can be anyone, play anything, act as a perfect fucking spy because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

She's got the whole world in her pretty, pretty, ever-so-charming hands.

“One does not argue with His Majesty’s wishes.”
“Really? I argue with his wishes all the time.” Minuette positively dazzled as she added, “And I always win.”

So yeah, with all that beauty, with all that intelligence, Minuette doesn't need to do a single fucking thing when she has a big strong man to do it for her.

Her first thought was Dominic...because he was the steadiest man she knew and she needed someone steady to tell her what to do.

So Queen Anne, not only did you living curse us to suffer this...creature of the light's existence, but now your brilliant daughter, Princess Elizabeth has been reduced to a really boring normal royal princess; a wasted, pampered, worry-free life. She no longer needs to fight for her life, she no longer needs to worry about politics, about reclaiming her throne, about whether Queen Mary will kill her next...Liz is free to just chill, be the Princess, be spoiled by her brother, be his personal secretary (because the King has more important things to do than to respond to letters from his subjects)...and instead, spend time pining over that which she cannot have.

But for all that, Elizabeth knew she might have been severely tempted to plead with her brother to consider such an uneven match—if not for the simple fact that Robert [Dudley] was already married.

You gave birth to one of the most interesting, illustrious, intelligent, manipulative rulers that England has ever known, and Elizabeth is just completely wasted in this alternate history.

You know what they say? Like father, like son? Well, sorry to tell you, but William ain't much better than his dad.

He would wed for practicality, and take his pleasures where he could. For all the unorthodoxy of his parents’ marriage, that was the way of kings.

The only difference is that unlike Daddy, Willie boy doesn't have a tendency to take people's heads off.


He's still a philandering brat, though. I mean, I can't blame him, in some sense. Imagine yourself as a darkly handsome young man with the Boleyn looks, and the Kingdom of England at your feet. I don't blame him for wanting to fuck everything with a hole. And that he does. Will really doesn't give two craps about people's feelings. To him, and to this "alternate reality" women are there to be used, bought, and sold. If they open their legs to him, it's becaues they want something, so he can fuck anyone he wants. Even if said woman is married. Even if he's the one who forces her into a marriage. But it's ok, because she would have wanted the marriage anyway!

“Have you given any thought to the lady, beyond what you desire?”
William hovered on the point of real anger before shrugging it off. “I assure you, Eleanor is quite content with the arrangement. No matter how long she … however long we … she will be the daughter-in-law of one of the premier dukes in England. It’s more than her family ever dreamed.”

And for some fucking reason, he just falls in love with Minuette. But it's ok, because, as I mentioned above, eeeeeeeeeeeeeveryone falls in love with fucking Minuette.

So with all that said, with all due respect, I'm glad you died when you did.