Khanh the Killjoy

McKale was from another family of ancient magic. His people had only been able to produce male children for many, many years now. I was told they needed a special, magical girl to bind herself with one of their special, magical boys to ensure the continuation of their family’s bloodline. It sounded extraordinary to me as a child—like I was a princess—special, chosen.

Well, aren't you both just so fucking special?



What's the fucking point of having leprechauns in a book when the sole leprechaun love interest is a motherfucking giant? Why are you completely screwing with mythology here?

This book was just terrible. Read it if you want a good laugh, because I found myself howling with laughter at the many moments of utter absurdity, but it is just so laughably bad. This book is so much worse than typical YA hilarity.

You guys remember the feminist movement? Well, this book takes us back about 100 years in terms of female empowerment. This book lets girls think that it's ok to be completely on board with getting into an arranged marriage at 17 (as long as the guy is hot). This book lets you think that it's ok to slut shame your little sister and constantly remark on how profane she is and how much she sleeps around---as long as you still love your sister and is there to comfort her when she inevitable gets trouble for having loose legs.

“Oh, Cassidy Renee,” she whispered into the air. Her eyes watered. “Why must you learn everything the hard way?”

This book lets you think that, when two people are cheating, it's the girl's fault for being the seductress. Let me tell you something. It takes two to fucking tango.

“You kissed her?” He nodded once. His eyes were strained. “Really kiss her?” Another nod.
Jealousy reared, but I didn’t feel angry at McKale. I knew he did what he had to do.

This book lets you think that it's ok to live in a society of people who thinks it's "just tradition" to believe that women are lesser. This book lets you believe that sexual harrassment is ok, just as long as, you know, men didn't MEAN to offend.

There was an abundance of winking going on, and no female’s backside was safe from an onslaught of pinches, including mine.
It wasn’t viewed as an act of disrespect. Even McKale thought it was funny.

To that, I give a big "Fuck you" to this book.

This book has a Ken doll of a love interest. Which is to say, McKale is a desexualized ideal, a boy who is everything that a girl could ever want, without flaw, wholly romantic, wholly pure---intact with virginity and without indecent thoughts.

In short: like a Ken doll, the guy doesn't have a fucking penis.

The Summary: At 17, we all have dreams, aspirations. Some girls want to be astronauts. Some girls want to take over Hollywood. Some girls want to be CEOs.

Robyn Mason wants to get married.

The term “prearranged marriage” was thought of as something from the old days, or something that other societies did. I should have been terrified or indignant, but the way Mom presented my future eleven years ago made me feel important and useful.

There was never such a beauty as Robyn Mason. Cleopatra gnashed her teeth in jealousy. Helen of Troy could only aspire to such beauty. Queen Elizabeth I would have elimited Robyn in her cradle---

Wait, what? Did you say cradle?

Yes, I said cradle. BECAUSE SINCE THE DAY OF HER BIRTH, ROBYN MASON HAS BEEN GLORIOUS. FA-BU-LOUS *snaps fingers*

I want you to go get your baby albums. Take a look at yo' newborn self. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're ugly. Hideous. Nothing like the main character in this book. She was beautiful. Stunning. Absolutely bloody gorgeous, from birth. Her 3-week-old self was so marvelously divine that she charmed the hell out of the Faery Queen consort.

[Her mother] had a sudden fervent wish that Robyn was bald and funny-looking like so many precious babies she’d seen. Instead, the consort admired an inch-plus of wavy chestnut hair, rounded pink cheeks and the sweetest puckered mouth. Chocolate eyes and black lashes blinked at the Faerie. Beauty.

She has been engaged since birth to a special guy from a special family.

What her parents failed to tell her is that this special guy is from a special family---of leprechauns.

“Mom…” My heart pounded and I chose my words carefully. “What is McKale’s clan called?”
She wouldn’t look at me. The cabin space seemed to close in on me. It was forever before she answered in a cracking voice. “They’re the Leprechauns.”

But it's ok, because special, different, 5'11 Robyn (She's the 3rd 5'11 YA heroine I've read this year)...

I’d always felt like an Amazon woman, standing as tall as the guys at school, and even taller than many of them.

...is going to marry the special, different McKale. Who is a giant among Leprechauns. Who has always felt...different.

He sighed and swallowed. “When I was a wee lad, I dreamed of running away. I didn’t understand why I had to be different. Not just my height."

Yes! Yes, ladies and gentleman! Robyn, somehow, finds herself the mate of the one, sole, GIGANTIC FUCKING LEPRECHAUN IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD.

What follows is a courtship. A romance. They meet a cousin of the Leprechauns---the Clourichauns. Men even smaller than Leprechauns, except, for some fucking reason, the guy they meet---the guy Robyn's sister falls for...can enlarge himself (insert sexual joke here) at will!

“So you can get big, like us?” she asked her tiny admirer. He nodded. “Can you do it now?”
A short blast of tingling magic hit us at our backs and we spun around. There on the top of the table sat Rock, full-sized, limber legs crossed.

The entire book is composed of a fucking courtship. There is no plot beyond that. I don't know how, but it took the entire fucking length of the book for McKale and Robyn to fall in love when they already fell into insta-love when they first met.

I’d expected to feel emotional when I laid eyes on him. But I hadn’t expected the emotion to be so intense that it would impact me physically. Blood rushed through my veins at an alarming speed. My mind swirled and I swear I tilted to the side, off balance and unable to fully fill my lungs.

The entire book is composed of such inanities as soccer-playing:

At one point I had the ball and when I turned to dribble away she tripped me, and then we were at it again. The crowd was clapping in sync and chanting, “Ma-son Girls! Ma-son Girls!”

Hopper-racing:

“Hopper racing,” McKale said.
As we got closer I could make out the barrier of rocks lining the “racetracks” and a dozen frogs hopping every which way inside.

Clubbing.

My Leprechaun had rhythm. And it was hot in a way that made me dizzy. I let myself lean back hard against him, raising my arms to the air and moving my hips.

And sexual harrassment.

At one point in the game Cassidy screamed, “The next pair of grabby hands that touches my boobs or butt is getting a beatdown!”

But not all is well in Ireland! There is an evil Fae princess, by the name of...Khaleesi!

Her tiny oval face was made of delicate features that would break any girl’s heart with envy. I was mesmerized by her big, almond shaped eyes of icy blue and her round, innocent flower of a mouth. Her hair was amazing: long, past her hips, straight and thick without a single hair out of place. The color was like white gold: the ultimate platinum blonde.

Crap. Sorry. Sorry!!! Wrong book. Wrong show. I meant her name is Khalistah!

What a powerful name! Khalistah! Not to be confused with her friend, Melindalah.

“I daresay not, Melindalah,” Khalistah answered.

Or her other friend, Mirandalah.

“Is this the one who fancies you to pieces, Princess?”
“The very same, Mirandalah.”

Khalistah wants him! That bitch! She has the nerve to desire McKale! I don't know why, since he doesn't have a penis, but there you go, she wants him! Will Robyn be able to save the innocent, virginal McKale form the evil seductress fairy princess's evil clutches?! Will she able to do it before I pass out from hysteria induced by extreme laughter?!

The Setting: Doesn't make any fucking sense!!!!!!! I have so many questions! The world building is utter crap, and believe me, I know crap when I read it. This has got to be one of the worst Fae-related settings I've ever read because it is so completely undeveloped.

*takes deep breath*

Why the fuck are the Fae so fucking dangerous? We are never, ever given any reason to truly fear the Fae. We're told that, oh, we humans must do ____ and ____ in order not to piss our evil Fae dictators off! BUT WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED? In the book, the Fae do fucking nothing but Glamour stuff and make you feel desiiiiiiiiire Faefever-style.

My entire body tightened and pulsed with a sensual charge. I was filled with need and want and—

Oh please, feelings of horniness? I get wetter every time I see Tom Hiddleston's face onscreen.



Can you blame me?

The point is that the Fae, to me, posed no danger at all, because there is no explicit threat shown to me within the book. I don't know why they're so fucking scared of them. The Fae are really pretty. That's all.

Have you ever heard of a fucking babysitter? Robyn got into this fucking mess in the first place because her parents had to bring her into Faeryland. They work for the Fae king/queen and they had to give a report. They tried to hide Robyn in a basket, and like a baby, ROBYN CRIED. I am shocked. SHOCKED, that a baby doesn't keep its mouth shut. Why did they have to bring the fucking baby to work?! Get a fucking baby sitter!

Leprechauns?! What the FUCK? The Leprechauns exist because they are the shoemakers to the Fae.

WHY THE FUCK?! The Fae have human agents. Haven't they fucking heard of Gucci? Chanel? Payless? Why the fuck are they employing an entire race of completely obsolete shoemakers who create trouble---when the Fae can just send their human agents (THEY HAVE HUMAN AGENTS) to fucking BUY SOME SHOES.

Why are the Leprechauns so isolated when they can easily get from their world into the human world? Why are they so ass-fucking-backwards when technology is readily available (and just a car ride away). So many questions. No answers. Poop. Poooooooooop.

Politically-Correct Ranting: I'm gonna get a little anal about this book, mainly because hey, if I'm going to protest in one book about the misrepresentation of Asian people, I might as well be fair and call out bullshit when I see it in other nationalities/races. If you're Irish, and you're pretty fucking sick of all the OMG LUCKY CHARMS jolly little green men stripping naked and playing football (that's soccer to you 'Muricans) and having a grand ole' time, you might find yourself a wee bit offended by this book. If you want to take the stereotypical portrayals tongue-in-cheek, and you think I'm a politically correct pain in the ass who sucks all the joy out of reading, well, you're perfectly entitled to your opinion, too!

“Do me a favor,” she said to Rock. “Say ‘They’re always trying to steal me Lucky Charms.’”

There's no shortage to Irish stereotypes in the book. The main character is a redhead! They all play fiddles! They get really rowdy, naked, and drunk. They dance on tabletops. They get drunk some more! They play more fiddles! Ye gods!

Cass sang, “They’re magically delicious!”

WHAT FUCKING LEPRECHAUNS?! What's the fucking point of featuring Leprechauns in a book if you're going to make him (the love interest) the ONE SINGLE GIANT FUCKING LEPRECHAUN IN A SEA OF TINY ASS PEOPLE?

What's the point of using a lesser-known type of leprechauns, an EVEN TINIER RACE, if you're gonna give the main character's little sister a Clourichain love interest WHO CAN GROW HUMAN-SIZED AT WILL? Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell is this fuckery?

There are some things that the YA genre should just leave the fuck alone, because really, I can't see myself ever falling for a leprechaun. Even a tall one.

The Romance:

He pulled me to him again and laid his lips gently against mine.
“I fancied it when ye called me Kale.”

McKale---or Kale, as he prefers to be called---is not a man. He doesn't have a penis.

He is a 50-year old virgin. He really is 50.

I watched him go, noting his long limbs and thin frame. It was hard to believe he was fifty-years-old and his body still had some filling-out to do.

Am I the only one who finds this incredibly creepy? Leprechauns age slowly, but still. 50, dude. No.

He paints her toenails. He is bashful. He can't meet her eyes. He has never kissed anyone (well, except for KHALISTAH but that's only because SHE made him. It wasn't his fault at all. I mean, who would want to kiss a beautiful Fae princess? Pfft. So not his fault.). He paints her toenails. He brings her baskets of berries. He sniffs her hair.

I felt my ponytail lift and I stopped cranking. A slow turn of my head caught McKale letting the hair fall from his hand. He’d been smelling my hair. And now he wore an expression like a boy who’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

They are content to sit there, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes.

His hands held each side of my face. I reached up and held his forearms until he pulled away just enough to see my eyes. We sat there, reading each other and savoring our prospects.

Well, savoring our prospects! That's just gosh darned dang diddly romantic!

Why the FUCK does Khaleesi--sorry, sorry, Khalistah! want him?! She has been on his ass for years, years! She wants him. She is obsessed with him. WHY?! What the fuck makes him so bloody special? Why is this stunning Fae princess so enamored?

"I had never met a living thing like you. Brave enough to seek me, yet too shy to touch me. Such a refreshing change from the arrogance of Fae males."

WELL THAT JUST EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. Are you fucking kidding me?