DNF @ 20%
To give you an impression of how much I hated this book, I will read the Halo trilogy in its entirety several times over rather than finish this. There was nothing good about this book, and there is so much that is bad that I can write an entire fucking rant review based on the little that I've read.
To sum it up (details further down):
1. The writing is atrocious
2. It has every romantic trope in the book
3. The main character is fucking dumb and judgmental
4. The angels are fucking dumb
5. The demons are fucking dumb
This class is way over my head. Half an hour of this and I swear my notes were penned by a retarded monkey who is just as confused as I am.
Sophia St. James has delusions of going to Stanford one day. She's not only stupid, she's judgmental, offensive, and can't keep her fucking mouth shut.
“What kind of obtuse podunk outfit is this anyway? Supersized, narcissistic Rent-a-Cop!” I sit back and realize the cop has returned to my window. Aw crap.
Sophia has just moved from California to Connecticut, where they speak with weird accents, and words like "asshole" is pronounced "eh-hole."
His voice is rich with a funny eastern accent, which under lighter circumstances I would find amusing.
Hint: Eastern people don't really have accents. Newly arrived in Connecticut, she not only gets into trouble with the law, but she witnesses a strange guy hovering over a scene of a car accident. Cue insta-love. Sophia feels a "second heartbeat."
His head is now turning slowly, methodically, and he is looking at me as though I’m one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
He looks at HER with concern!
His concern for me is palpable, like a hand caressing my cheek.
She looks at HIM with concern!
He could feel her concern for him radiating like a lighthouse.
It turns out that Mysterious Boy is Michael, named after the Archangel. He's only a Guardian Angel himself; he lives with his "brothers," Raphael, and Gabriel. They're all extraordinarily handsome, and they are so well-disguised (not). Way to stay the fuck under the radar. He is incapable of love! He shouldn't love! It is beyond his capacity for a heavenly being...but Michael can't help it! For the first time...he feels...EMOTIONS for the sexy Sophia.
No, not just hot but sexy as hell and— Wait, what?
Sexy? Where in the hell did that come from?
But Michael is not alone in his desire for Seductive Sophia. There is a Demon Knight in Hell, and he wants her, too. Specifically, her soul, because why?
He had been tracking his lost lover’s soul and found it in Sophia.
So Dante has to go to HUGE GREAT DESPERATE STEPS in order to come back to Earth and win over her soul. He's not alone, his cohorts, Vaughn, Santiago and Wolfgangare coming with him to Earth. THEY MUST GET SOPHIA'S SOUL.
But first, they have to worry about what to wear. Vaughn, well...
So his wardrobe was chosen with care: black jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt buttoned at the throat. And for good measure, he wore a long black duster, a favorite from the old days.
Santiago's a little more down-to-earth. So to speak.
He opted for black skinny jeans with multicolored Converse high tops and a black T-shirt that said, I DIED FOR AN IRON MAIDEN.
He wore black jeans rolled at the cuffs, black combat boots, and a tight black T-shirt over his beefy chest. His hair had been cut shoulder length and gathered at the back of his head with a leather, noose-like strap.
Finally, Dante! He's got to look sharp for his long-lost lover.
Dante changed clothes three times before settling on black designer jeans and a charcoal mock turtleneck. After all, this was a special occasion. He should look nice and sophisticated but not like he was trying too hard.
*chokes with laughter*
AND FINALLY, NOW THAT THEY'RE ALL DRESSED, THEY CAN FINALLY LEAVE FOR THEIR MISSION.
“Now we go to America!” Dante announced the command he had been waiting years to say.
Dante clenched his teeth. “Fine! To Italy. And then to Connecticut without another delay.”
Now do you see why I'm DNFing this book?
He seems disjointed from the others like a curious bystander.
Teeeeeeeeeeerrible. Littered with some mind-blogging metaphors...
- "Controlling Wolfgang’s demon was impossible, like taming a lion with a wet noodle."
- "That’s when it hits: a painful explosion in my chest like I had dynamite for dinner and it’s just now digesting."
- "I can already imagine my evening camped out on the couch, an array of books scattered about like a litter of teething puppies."
- The scar in my eyebrow? A sleeping caterpillar. I’ve checked it continuously for two weeks hoping one day it will turn butterfly and flit away.
Factual errors: Eastern accents are barely detectable, if at all. Los Angeles High school does not have a junior class size of 250. Try twice that. A person who can't breathe does not actually turn blue. They only have a blueish tinge to their face.
He was blue!”
“As a Smurf!”
Spelling errors: Coco Chanel is the name of the woman who started the brand, it's not the brand itself. Furthermore, it's spelled Chanel, not Channel. A psychiatric ward is shortened to a "psych ward," not a "psyche ward".
Terrible dialogues: From outrageously absurd characters:
- “She’s their cousin. Hashtag—most fun person in the world!"
- "What’s up, teacup?"
- “Holy horndogs, Batman. I got Jordan. I’ll be sure to Brinks secure my thong.”
Sophia: The main character is fucking dumb. She wants to go to Stanford when she goes to college. I'm sorry to tell her she doesn't have a special snowflake's chance in the deepest pits of hell. She is a pastor's daughter who doesn't see the significance between all the supernatural shit she's been seeing and the fact that there are three angelically beautiful young brothers in her town with the names of Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael. She cries at the drop of a hat. She is nasty, mentally calling people names, like a "Rent-a-Cop" with a "McBelly."
She was abused by an ex-boyfriend. It doesn't feel real, and I am the first person in the world to hop onto the victim-defending wagon. Her abuse feels superficial. The mental scars do not feel real. She only brings it up from time to time when she remembers it. There was no point to the inclusion of the abuse, and I found it offensive to victims of true abuse.
The Angels: Fucking dumb. Heaven can't see fit to give them a collective brain, much less three. They are so well-hidden that they can't think to disguise themselves under any other names but the three most famous motherfucking Angels in the Bible. Way to stay under the motherfucking radar. They can't hide how gloriously handsome they are? They're so fucking stupid that they can't save a guy who's choking on a piece of food.
I look and see Casey James laughing at his own joke. A moment later he stops, and his mouth opens and closes like a fish. His eyes gradually bulge in panic. Before I can think the words, He’s choking, Michael is there, wrapping his arms around Casey’s waist and hauling him out of the chair.
Three motherfucking Guardian Angels can't save a guy who's choking. What the fuck kind of incompetency is this? Casey James died. And the motherfucking angels are so fucking good at staying under the motherfucking radar that they bring the dead guy back to life in front of the entire fucking school.
“But he was dead!” I whisper. “And Raph didn’t do CPR!” We stop at my locker and I throw my books inside.
“Well, he must have done something, right? I mean, Casey choked to death.”
“But...Raph didn’t. You saw that he didn’t, right?”
The Romance: It has every romantic trope in the book, including a love triangle between a Guardian Angel and a Demon Knight. There is insta-love between the MC and the Angel. There is a hint of reincarnated soul mates between the MC and the Demon.
And I'm just done with this.