Bailiff: Hear ye, hear ye! Court will now come to order! Please stand for your judge, the Honorable...
*Khanh beckons, whispers into Bailiff's ears*
Bailiff: ...make that the Dishonorable Khanh. All rise! Your Dishonor...where's your gavel?
Khanh: Lost it. I'm using this hammer instead. I think it's appropriate. Close enough.
Khanh: We are here in The Reader's Court for the pre-trial of Readers vs. Liva, the 17-year old main character of Out of Control. She stands here accused of being a dumbass. What are the detailed charges?
Bailiff: There are 19 charges, your dishonor. She stands accused of racial profiling, slut-shaming, girl-on-girl hate...
Khanh: Ain't nobody got time for that. Make it brief. Keep it to 4.
Bailiff: She stands accused of:
1. Showing all signs of being a Mary fucking Sue
2. Falling in love with complete fucking douchebag full of...
*pauses* Your Dishonor, do I really have to read this?
Bailiff: ...full of...UNF...CUBAN MACHEESMO.
3. Having the wrong fucking priorities all the fucking time
4. Having dumb fucking trains of thoughts. *hesitates* CHOO CHOO.
*pauses* Your Dishonor, are these charges correct? I don't recall so much profanity being used in any of the pleadings that I've...
Khanh: YES THEY ARE. Wait a minute. Did you say racial profiling?
Bailiff: Yes, your Dishonor.
Khanh: Ok, I'm curious now. Go on, man. What's up with that, yo? Let me read through this briefing.
*pauses* You gotta be fucking kidding me, girl. Did you really think the guy's a gang member because he's Latin-American looking and carries a fucking bandana?
Khanh: YEAH, DUDE, NO. LOOK HERE. And I quote:
It’s then that I notice the bandana hanging out the back pocket of his jeans. I know what that little scrap of material signifies. He’s a gang member. I shake my head to myself.
See? What the fuck is that? Racist much?! Guuuuuuuurl.
And look here again. A Latin-American woman, of course you think she's fat and speaks with an accent. Of course every Latino and Latina in the book is horribly stereotypically portrayed. Look here, did you really think a fucking Latin American woman would talk like this?
‘She’ll stand out like a habanero chilli in an ice-cream store if she goes dressed like that,’ Marissa snaps back.
Liva: I swear I'm not racist, your honor! I mean, I went to an international school! I was born and raised abroad. I lived most of my life in Oman and Nigeria! I've had a great education! I'm really, really smart!
But um, your Dishonor...where's the jury? Aren't I entitled to a fair jury trial here?
Khanh: This is 'Murica. Our fair trial is by name only. I am your judge, jury, and executioner.
Liva: THIS ISN'T FAI---
Khanh: *loudly interrupts* SO HERE ARE THE CONTEXT OF YOUR CHARGES. You are a 17 year old beauty who are being pursued by people wanting to kill you. Naturally, you run away with a guy you thought might be a potential murderer, since the first time you saw him, he was in handcuffs in the Homicide Department. Is that correct?
Liva: *gulps* Yes, your Dishonor...but---
Khanh: NO BUTS. See Exhibit 1. You thought he was a killer. And you ran away with him anyway.
I contemplate for the first time the fact that I’m sitting in a stolen unmarked police car with a murderer who I just helped escape from custody.
Where's your fucking fancy international education now? Did it serve you well? I WENT TO A PUBLIC SCHOOL WITH 2000 STUDENTS.
Liva: You're sounding rather angry. I can't help it if my parents are rich.
Khanh: I'm not angry because you're rich. I'm angry because you're a Mary Sue.
Live: *splutters* Your Dishonor, please! I am not!
Khanh: You're not, eh? *leans off her podium and glares* ARE YOU DENYING THE FACT THAT YOU'RE AS GOOD AS AN ORPHAN, WITH BOTH PARENTS IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES?
Liva: No, your Dishonor...
Khanh: ARE YOU DENYING THE FACT THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS FELT DIFFERENT, THAT NOBODY CAN EVER UNDERSTAND YOUR HEART AND SOUL?
Liva: No, your Dishonor...
Khanh: ARE YOU DENYING THE FACT THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, WITH A BALLET DANCER'S FIGURE THAT'S FUCKING FLAWED. FLAWED!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE IT'S TOO THIN, YET TOO CURVY? LOOK AT FUCKING EXHIBIT 2!!!!!!!
'You got what my mum would call good posture. And your legs. You have a dancer’s legs.’
I don’t naturally have a ballet dancer’s build. I’ve got boobs and hips for a start, long legs but also a long torso.
Liva: I really am not beautiful, I mean I have all these freakish red hair and stupid slanted, exotic eyes inherited from my Slavic mother.
Khanh: SAVE IT, BITCH. ONTO THE NEXT CHARGE. You fell in love with an asshole. Is that correct?
Live: No, your Dishonor! I would never!!!!
Khanh: LIAR! LIAR!!!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!! Throughout the entire fucking book, he ogles you like a fucking douche. Not once. Not twice, a million times over. Exhibit 3!!!!!!!
I feel his eyes skimming the top of my breasts.
And Exhibits 3A-3ZZZZZZZ. All examples of him ogling you like a fucking jailbird who hasn't seen a woman in 30 years of solitary confinement. Then there are examples of him acting like a fucking asshat and commenting about other women's weight. EXHIBIT 4.
‘You got no worries there. You should see my cousin Maria. She’s one Krispy Kreme away from having her own zip code.’
Liva: But your honor! He's in love with me! He respects me!
Khanh: WRONG AGAIN! SEE EXHIBIT 5!
‘You don’t drink coffee, don’t take sugar, don’t eat cream. What are you,’ he asks through his mouthful, ‘anorexic?’
RESPECTING YOU DOESN'T MEAN HE SIMULTANEOUSLY ACCUSES YOU OF BEING ANOREXIC WHILE CALLING ANOTHER GIRL FAT.
Speaking of which...your fucking priorities. Where the fuck are they? You are being chased by god knows how many people. All of whom want to murder you or kidnap you. Where the fuck is your head concentrated?
I'll tell you where. Jaime's muscles. Pronounced HIIIIIIIII-MEEEEEEEE. HI! ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT HIM! THAT'S ALL YOU FUCKING DO.
Right after you just witnessed a multiple homicide. You notice his fucking good looks. Exhibit 6.
I could easily imagine him gracing a billboard advertising some hipster fashion brand. Instead, I think to myself, he’s posing for mug shots.
Right after you almost got murdered again. Exhibit 7.
I note the strips of muscle running the length of his arms and the fact that they are trembling ever so slightly.
As you're about to break and enter. Exhibit 8.
He headed on around to the front modelling the NYPD sweater and a swagger straight out of Miami Vice.
Wondering what to do and where to go next. Exhibit 9.
I notice the beads of water still clinging to his hair and the fact that his T-shirt is sticking to him like a second layer of skin, revealing every line of muscle.
FINDING OUT THAT JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIME IS IN DEEP DEEP SHIT. Exhibit 10.
I put a hand on his forearm, feeling the hardness of muscle, rigid with anger.
It's like every single fucking action you made has to emphasize his hard fucking muscles. He has muscles! I GET IT! I DO, TOO. WE ALL DO. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Liva: Your dishonor! I swear it wasn't my fault. I didn't mean to fall in love with him! Look at Exhibit 11!
I don’t fall for guys. I don’t fall. Period.
Khanh: BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU FUCKING DID. FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING NOVEL YOU FALL INTO INSTA-LOVE WITH A DOUCHEBAG/CRIMINAL WITH A HEART OF GOLD. CAN YOU BE ANY MORE FUCKING CLICHéD?!
Liva: I'm a teenager, your Dishonor! I can't help it if my hormones get the better of me!
Khanh: Fine, you can't be blamed for your emotions, BUT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN YOUR TERRIBLE WAY OF THINKING? My god, girl, your metaphors and similes are straight out of bullshit university. EXHIBIT 12 AND 13!!!!
He’s watching me with a mixture of wariness and worry, as though I’m an unexploded landmine.
He’s staring at me fiercely, his jaw clenching and unclenching as though he’s trying to dislodge a tooth.
Khanh: ENOUGH! ENOUGH! BURN HER! BURN HER!!!!!
*Khanh jumps off her podium and begins to chase Liva*
Liva: Your Dishonor! This is really quite uncalled---
*Khanh smashes Liva into oblivion*
Khanh: Hmm. Interesting. She survived countless murderers, but not one lonely book reviewer. Whatever. I did you all a favor anyway.
Bailiff: *splattered with blood* C...c...court a--adjourned.