Khanh the Killjoy

He shook his head. “Poor little rich girl,” he mumbled.
“I am not a poor little rich girl,” she shot back, frustration turning into anger. “I am being sold [into marriage] and used, and I don’t like it.”
“But you are still free,” he insisted.

I don't think I'm alone in being fascinated by Pompeii. It's the site of a vast volcanic eruption that happened in 79 A.D. The city and its inhabitants were caught mostly unaware. Many of them died right there, holding their loved ones. Buried and burned alive under a river of lava.

There are some pretty heartbreaking images.



I am a morbid mofo, so when I sought out a book set in Pompeii at the time of the Mt. Vesuvius explosion, I wanted explosions, fires, earthquakes, deaths.

Instead, I got a lot of details on how the upper-class people and gladiator slaves lived their lives, and not much more than that for the greater parts of the book.

The good:
1. It is historically accurate
2. Painstaking details on the lives of the lesser gladiators

The bad:
1. It is dull, there's a lot of historical details, and not much else
2. It has a character who is intrinsically naive and Too Stupid To Live towards the end; while it's not her fault that she's so sheltered, it's also doesn't make for very good reading
3. A love triangle with a twist
4. A paranormal "curse" element that just felt completely out of place in a historical novel

The Summary: Lucia's life doesn't seem that bad. Fine, she's a girl when her father wanted a boy, and he hates her for that, but her father is fairly well-off, and as an upper-middle class woman, she's got a leisurely life. So what's the big deal?

Lucia was sure that the white-haired gentleman reclining on the dining couch before her would make a delightful grandfather. As a future husband, though, he left a great deal to be desired.

Ick. Ok, that's pretty bad. Lucia's father has just given her away to a man old enough to be her grandfather. To make it worse, hubby-to-be is old-fashioned, and a non-believer in educating females. Lucia a Roman trophy wife.

But still, it's a better life than Tages (called Tag). He is her father's medical slave, a native Etruscan whose family have had their property taken away and given away in bondage as punishment. He has known nothing but slavery his whole life. Tag was sent away a few years back, and now he's returned, a handsome young man who captures Lucia's attention, as a man, not as a childhood playmate. He wants a chance at his freedom, and aspires to be a gladiator. And he's got to deal with an annoying new gladiator trainee, a pompous young patrician toff named Quintus.

The patrician untied his filigreed, embroidered belt and began shrugging out of his tunic. Tag noticed how carefully he protected his oiled curls as he pulled the tunic over his head. Gods, the other gladiators were going to eat him alive.

Meanwhile, strange things are happening in Pompeii. Earthquakes, tremors, animals being jittery. As a scholar, Lucia feels like something bad is going to happen, but nobody will listen to her, because she is young and female.

Lucia and Tag gradually fall in forbidden love, as another threatens their romance, and as the shadow of Mt. Vesuvius looms. I'm sorry, I can't make the book sound any more exciting than that, because it isn't.

The Background: I am not an expert on Roman culture, by any means, but I love my history and I can smell bullshit when I see it. This book felt both historically accurate and exceedingly well-researched. The details about the gladiator school are well-described, the everyday events of both the lives of Lucia the young mistress and Tages the slave were both well-depicted. History lovers will enjoy the minutiae.

The Characters:

“Lucia. Did you really bring me out here so that you could lecture me on how you marrying a rich man is like me being a slave?”

Lucia is an exceedingly frustrating one. She is naive, and since she is a young Roman woman, she should be. The thing is that she is so much so that I just wanted to shake her at times. For one, she doesn't realize the class difference between her and Tag until he points it out. She is SO privileged in comparison, and she hardly realizes it. Yeah, I know it sucks being betrothed to a much older man, but she's still going to have a life as a wealthy, pampered mistress.

Unlike Tages, Lucia still has her freedom. She will be free to walk around. She will never fear being whipped by an owner. She will never be a slave, and she can't wrap that concept around her head. She thinks she has it soooooooooooo bad, and Tages loses patience with her. I don't blame him one bit.

“Look, I don’t have the luxury of having a philosophical discussion about the nature of freedom. As a slave, it means only one thing to me — no longer being owned by another human being.”

Lucia really is a poor little rich girl. She is smart, but she is exceedingly dull. Book smart doesn't equal common sense, and Lucia has very little of the latter.

I wanted to smack Lucia on the head. She has a little girl's dream of running away without consequence, and she is, frankly, really, really dumb. All Lucia thinks about is herself, and what she wants. She wants Tag? Sure, the solution is to run away, who cares about his dad, who cares about her dad, who cares about the other slaves who might get hurt in the process?

And the eruption? Let's put it this way, let's pretend that I love you, the reader. No matter how much I love you, I will never rush into a burning town when the earth is rumbling and a volcano is about to explode. Why? Because this might happen to me.



I'm sure there are more painful ways of dying than being buried alive in a volcano. I don't want to find out.

Sorry, love of my life. You're on your own. I hope you don't suffer.

All quotes were taken from an uncorrected proof subject to change in the final edition.

I’m engaged to Thomas and yet I let another boy kiss me. And I kissed him back. The worst part? He’s not even a regular boy—he’s a rebel mystic!

Oh no! Of all the people suffering in the world, all the injustice going on in the Depths of futuristic Manhattan, THIS. IS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER!



That's great. That's wonderful. Good for you, sweetie. I just don't want your sort in a sci-fi/dystopian novel. Get the fuck outta here.

This book has

1. A weak, spoiled, wealthy TSTL socialite heroine whose attempts to do good are as laughable as a pet kitten bringing me a half-eaten mouse
2. A love...tri..quadr...hexa...thingamajig
3. A poorly conceived and largely nonsensical setting
4. A love interest with stalkerish tendencies
5. A plot that's 90% romance and 10% story, with not a single bit of subtlety
6. Villains that stand around twirling their mustaches and cackling maniacally

The Summary:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to fall in love. The love you see on TV or read about in books, where you find your missing half—the person you were meant to be with forever—and suddenly you’re complete.

It's the future, in Manhattan, New York. No idea when it is, but, uh, "global warming" happened and the world (the world meaning just Manhattan) has gone to shit. Yeah. It's that kind of a premise. Suddenly we have flooding and sweltering temperature and people with magical powers called Mystics.

Aria Rose is about to have all her dreams come true. She is engaged to the son of a rival political family, Thomas Foster. Except it doesn't really feel that great. Why? She's lost all her memories.

I fought for true love, and I won.
Now I just have to remember it.

Aria remembers everything. Her family. Her friends. The time she ate all those oysters and puked her guts out. It's just surprisingly specific that the one thing she can't remember is something that should have been the most important: Thomas.



Hmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

Her upcoming marriage is a brilliant one. Really, her forbidden (and forgotten) love affair couldn't have worked out any better for her family and Thomas'. The Fosters and the Roses have been at political war for years, but now, they've decided to team up against a Mystic politician who is threatening their political dynasties. It's just the most amazing coincidence ever that Aria and Thomas has decided to fall in love at the time when it's most important that the two families ally together against a common enemy. It's just such a shame that Aria can't remember a goshdarned thing!

Hmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

Aria only knows something. There's a mysterious boy who makes her heart beat fast every time he's near. There's just something about him...Hunter. He's a Mystic boy, a forbidden boy who's as different from the patrician Thomas as night and day. Hunter shows up everywhere; her balcony, her room. It's just so amazing that he happens to be there every time Aria's in danger. Like when she steps over a skyscraper railing just for fun, and almost splats to death due to her own fucking stupidity.

I’ve started to bring my leg back over the railing when my other foot slips.
And just like that, I’m falling.

Ugh. Thomas is SO handsome, and SO rich, and it would be really nice to be his wife, and all her friends are, like, sooooo looking forward to their wedding.

The girls nod as if they understand. “That makes sense,” Kiki says. “Meanwhile, I still don’t have a friggin’ date to the wedding! I want some cute guy to dance with during the slow songs and make out with in the bathroom.”
“Time is tick-tick-ticking away!” Bennie says, clapping her hands together.

But it doesn't FEEL right. Thomas is, like, soooooooo cold. And Hunter, is, like, SOOOOOOOOO HOT. And then there's this pesky little thing about giving the poor downtrodden Mystics their basic human rights. Which Hunter and Aria will TOTALLY get to. Once they stop admiring each other and going to carnivals.

From here I can see the entire carnival, the colors and the lights, the Magnificent Block ignited with festivities.
“This is gorgeous,” I find myself saying.
I think I hear Hunter say You’re gorgeous under his breath."

Yeah. Once they get their minds into the game and out of each other's eyes, Hunter and Aria will change the world! How?!

“Love?” Hunter asks, his eyes wide. “Could the things you’re feeling be love?”
I gulp and nod at the same time. “I think so,” I say. “I hope so.”
“Me too,” he says. “More than anything in the world.”
Then he leans in and kisses me. Not on my forehead or cheek, but on my lips. A real kiss. A kiss that feels like it can change the world.

The Plot:

This is the first major event in eighty years that all the young Manhattan elite are attending together. Everyone will be here, regardless of allegiance—Foster or Rose, kids from both sides of the island. The plummet party at the American pales in comparison.
“Come on,” I say, shoving through a crowd of paparazzi.

Because the best way to celebrate the union of two rival houses is to PARTY PARTY PARTY.

THERE IS NO PLOT. The book SHOULD have been about Hunter and Aria working together to free the Mystics, instead, Aria spends 90% of her time going to parties, thinking about Hunter, hating her parents, thinking about Hunter, going to parties, wondering what's up with her memory loss, talking to her BFFs, thinking about Hunter, wondering what's the big deal with Thomas, going to parties, and thinking about Hunter some more.



The Setting:

The heat, they say, is because of the global climate crisis, the melting of snow and ice around the world and the rising sea level that swallowed Antarctica and all of Oceania. Global warming is also to blame for the canals...filling what used to be low avenues and streets with seawater.

Welcome to another "global warming" dystopian premise! With magic!

It's the future! We don't know how fucking far in the future it is, but it's gotta be pretty fucking far in the future in order for global warming to get to such an extent to almost immerse Manhattan in water. The upper classes live in the Aerie, high-rise structures, while the lower classes live in the Depths, where crumbling buildings and shit falls on them all the fucking time. We now use gondolas to get around, and for some fucking reason, the subways still exist, but unused and sealed, but aren't flooded, since people still use them as hiding places...but why aren't they flooded, since they're underground? How did the waters recede in the tunnels, anyway?

I glance around at what must have been a waiting area for people to board the subway. The ground is slick with grime and eroded from where, at one point, it must have been completely flooded.

Ah, logic. Fuck logic. Who needs logic anyway.

So in this magical, mystical future, we have technology that can specifically erase memories, but there's a surprisingly lack of technological advancements. Hell, it's like...the 21st century! We have iPod-like music players, we have an iPhone-like device called a "TouchMe." People still text and tweet in the future (Twitter will be happy to know they're not dying out any time soon).

“That stays between us, though. Okay? Don’t go texting it or tweeting or whatever it is you kids do.”

We're still struggling to make paper records electronic.

The stack of manila envelopes on my desk has piled so high I fear it will topple over. Mental note: Get on those. They’re copies of the draining reports from over ten years ago, before everything was streamlined electronically.

It's not like we're not doing that RIGHT NOW OR ANYTHING.

What the fuck kind of a future is this? Chanel still exists. It's too hot, if you step outside, you're practically boiled, but people still take vacation to Bali. Despite sea levels, people still seem to be able to eat the same kinds of delicacy, including seafood and oysters and stuff that might be impossible to get if the seas and the temperatures heat up? This book's premise is a mess.

The X-MEN:

“Some mystics can take on the glamour of someone else,” Hunter says, navigating a flight of stone steps. “So you can look like a different person. But eventually it wears off. Other mystics can use their energy to affect the weather, or even the air surrounding them.” He waits for me to catch up. “I know a girl who can spin a tornado out of thin air,” he says, “and someone who can start a fire”—he snaps his fingers—“like that.”

The Mystics in this book are fucking dumb. Supposedly they've existed all along, as witches persecuted for their crimes, and came forth to help the US during WWII. After which, they became DANGEROUS AND ENSLAVED AND DRAINED. Wut. Fucking really?

Ok, first of all, these Mystics are completely normal-looking. They're not X-Men mutants. They are humans with powers. They're just...hotter than others. They feel hot to the touch. And THAT'S why they were caught? Why can't they just fucking stay hidden? If they've been so fucking good at hiding in the past, why can't they just do it again now?

“Pretending to be something you’re not sucks the life out of you. Even worse than the drainings.”

Are you fucking kidding me? You'd prefer to be almost enslaved, your powers drained, rather than HIIIIIIIIIIDE YO'SELF? What kind of a stupid reason is that?

Some of these Mystics have pretty fucking amazing powers. Why can't they just, like, get the fuck out of there? Seriously, emigrate to another country or something. Be Free like Willy. Some, not all, have powers that can make them look like someone else (glamour), they can control the weather, they can manipulate fire, they can walk through walls.

SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THE MYSTICS JUST LYING DOWN AND TAKING THEIR TERRIBLE TREATMENT WITHOUT A FIGHT?

Aria:

It was Hunter. He’s saved me twice in two nights.

I can't even count the number of times Aria got her ass saved. She's so fucking Too-Stupid-To-Live that it's unbelievable. Here you have a pampered girl, one who is a celebrity, recognizable everywhere she goes. She's got the street smarts of a dwarf rabbit, and she's sneaking around ALL OVER THE FUCKING SLUMS, and is OH SO SHOCKED whenever she gets caught (which is repeatedly).

“Please,” I say.
He licks his lips with his thick, wet tongue. “Please what?”
“Please don’t hurt me.”
I close my eyes, willing the pain to stop. I am going to die here. I am going to die for my stupidity.

Aria is passive, to be fair, she can't DO anything because of who she is. Aria is a spoiled-poor-little-rich-girl without an ounce of common sense. it's not her fault that she was raised to be a smiling and brainless socialite, but I can and will hate her because I want a stronger character than that.

Aria doesn't DO anything. She doesn't need to work, so she halfheartedly holds a job at a local politician's office. Her days are filled with nothing but shopping and friends and parties (and thinking about how her life sucks). Her nights are filled with sneaking out to see Tyler. She can't even plan her own wedding, all Aria does is whine and sigh over how life is soooooooooooooo HORRIBLE.



The Romance:

“Are you spying on me?”
“Spying has such a dirty connotation,” Hunter says, running one of his hands up my back. “How about keeping watch?”

Oh, here we go again, a boy who's a stalker, but it's ok if he's stalking her if he's just looking out for her safety. He shows up in her bedroom. He's there whenever she's hurt. He's there when he shouldn't be. He's not who he seems (remember, Mystics can wear other people's faces). Hunter shouldn't be trusted, but the heroine seems to feel that it's ok to trust him anyway!

Something about him—his easy attitude, perhaps, or the way he looks at me—makes me feel I can trust him.

As for the romance: A is engaged to B (who is fucking C) while secretly in love with D (but shouldn't be) because D is secretly engaged to E, who graciously sacrifices everything because she loves both A and D.

*barf*

“I read a novel where this hit man is supposed to assassinate a woman, but he ends up falling in love with her instead, just from watching her.”

Well, way to fall into your own cliché, book.

The message in this book? Beauty is everything! Want a better life? Become beautiful. You will instantly have everything you will ever want. With the exceptions of a few Evil People wanting to possess you because you have a Special Destiny, but, whatever, right?

- A hot boyfriend (or two)? Check! He's been watching you afar (without your knowledge) for years (Cullen ain't got nothing on Kian), and he's liked you when you were ugly, but it's just so awesome that you're beautiful now, just as he decides to declare his feelings for you! A miraculous coincidence, for sure!

- A miraculous change in personality? Check! Who cares that you were a shy, quiet, bullied wallflower for your the previous years of your life. With your newfound beauty, you will instantly develop the kind of breath-taking confidence that's been ingrained in all beautiful people throughout their lives! Who needs time to adjust?!

- A newfound relationship with your parents? Check! Your brilliant mother, your absolutely amazing physicist mother, the one whose discoveries are on the edge of changing the scientific world? Why, she's just been waiting her whole life for a beautiful newly transformed daughter to make her realize that all she needs in her life is a trip to the gym and a new color of lipstick!

- Revenge on everyone who's ever wronged you? Check! Who knew that all it took was beauty for the people who's been making you miserable for the past three years of high school to accept you into the super-popular inner circle of school. Whoever thought that the person they've been tormenting for the past years could ever plot against them? Not the beautiful people themselves, no!

In all seriousness, This book was a disappointment. It contained two elements that I should have loved:

- Revenge
- A Faustian deal with the devil

It didn't work for me. This book was filled with a tremendous amount of insta-love, a lot of romance with a boy who has been stalking her for years, it is extremely light on the revenge plot, and the paranormal aspects were tremendously bogged down and confusing.

The Summary:

"I’m authorized to offer you three favors now in return for three favors later.”
“I don’t understand. What kind of...favors?”
“Anything you want,” he said.

Edie is on the verge of killing herself. She has been bullied relentlessly at school for the past three years, and she can't take it anymore. She is about to throw herself into a river, when a mysterious and stunningly beautiful young man named Kian appears...

He had the kind of face you saw in magazines, sculpted and airbrushed to perfection. Sharp cheekbones eased into a strong jaw and a kissable mouth. He had a long, aquiline nose and jade eyes with a feline slant.

...to offer her a deal she can't resist. He will give her three wishes, in return, she will give the people he works for three of their own wishes later.

Deal. Edie takes it. Her first wish?

“I want to be beautiful without losing any aptitude I have. No time limits, no melting face, no surprises.”

Edie wants to be beautiful. To be stunning. To get revenge on the Mean Girls (and guys) "Teflon crew" who has been making her life miserable for years. She also wants something else, it's not a wish, but Kian grants it anyway.

“Then there’s one more thing before you go.” I couldn’t believe I was doing this, but the words wouldn’t stop. They came from a place of complete certainty.
“What?”
“Kiss me.”

He does, and he fulfils his promise to turn Edie beautiful. She becomes a newly Photoshopped version of herself with a "slim hourglass figure." To explain away the change, she gives the excuse of going away to summer camp. Three months later, she comes back to school, ready for revenge.

It was time to shift from planning and preparation to payback and penance. By the time I was done at Blackbriar, there would be blood in the water.

But this whole Faustian wishes doesn't come without consequences (duh). It seems that Edie is special.

“Wait, what’s a catalyst?”
“You’re one. It’s somebody destined for great things.”

Oh, god, here we go again. So Edie has a special destiny, and people are out to get her for it.

It's simple enough, a revenge plot, and danger from people out to get her. So where did this book go wrong?

The Insta-Change:

Belatedly, I realized I hadn’t stuttered once. Apparently the behavioral psychologist had been right; I had a psychogenic stutter, exacerbated by stress, mental anguish, and anxiety. Right then, I felt no fear of ridicule, and it was easy to talk.

In the beginning of the book, the main character is shy, overweight, ugly, and a social outcast. She has no friends, she stutters, she doesn't know how to act in public.

And when she suddenly turns beautiful, it seems like her personality changed 180 degrees as well.

[The beautiful people] considered their ability to control other people an accessory, like a great purse or a cute pair of shoes.
“I can’t believe that worked!”
“I wasn’t sure it would.” Especially since I had no experience with manipulation. But I’d watched it happen often enough. Mimicry wasn’t tough, apparently.

Edie learns immediately to manipulate, to smile seductively, to flirt, to lie. This is not realistic. A person does not immediately change from a social outcast, one who is almost incapable of talking to another person without fear, without stuttering, into a butterfly overnight, no matter the change in appearance.

“I was wondering if I could room with my friend, Vi,” I said, trying the persuasive smile for a second time.
Life can’t be this easy for the beautiful people.

I was cripplingly shy in high school, I was tremendously afraid of public speaking, I never had a single boy ask me out. I also wasn't ugly.

Confidence takes more than beauty on the surface, it is a slow, painful process, if you do not have it inside you. It took YEARS during college, of constantly being forced to do presentations, of having my insecurities soothed over by friends, of gradually gaining confidence in myself in order for me to become a person who appears to be confident in public. I can tell you from personal experience that a change in appearance does very little to give you the inner confidence that a person lacks and I found Edie's change to be completely unconvincing.

The Revenge: What revenge? This is nowhere as satisfying as Burn for Burn. The "Teflon crew" in the book did a wrecking job on Edie, and she wants to get back at them. It is not realistic:

- She immediately gets befriended by her former nemesis because she is beautiful
- She gets lifelong friends to hate each other by spreading a few rumors

“What the hell, you told Cam what I said?”
“I didn’t. I asked Jen what she thought of Cam, and I think Allison was ahead of us in line, but I would never—”
“Bet it was Allison.” His frown cleared. “She’s always trying to make Cam like her. She’s got this weird rivalry with Brittany. They’re supposed to be BFFs, but I get the feeling Allison would giggle if Brit fell down the stairs.”

And BAM. They believe her. They trust her. Magical bad things happen out of nowhere to them, without Edie's knowledge.This book doesn't have much of a sense of revenge at all. And trust me, I LIKE MY REVENGE PLOTS.

The Clichéd Romance:

I came up on my knees and hugged him; sometimes it felt like we were two halves of the same soul, and that was so stupid it made me feel like I lost IQ points just for thinking it.

Kian is struck by insta-love, he is a stalker, he is someone who is a double agent who should not be trusted. Really, this can't be any worse unless there was a love triangle.

Edie is madly in love/lust/whatever with Kian. She cannot think about him, for such a shy girl, she immediately demands a kiss, and then they conveniently become "pretend" boyfriends and girlfriends, which, naturally, leads to the real freaking EMOOOOOOTIONS. And there is a whole lot of emotions in this book; it addresses the clichés of YA romance while falling prey to it 100%.

Kian has been watching her secretly, for years.

“You already know I’ve spent a long damn time watching you. From the outside.”

He has reached a level of stalkerishness Edward Cullen could only aspire to. He knows her likes, her dislikes. What food she wants. He knows what happened to that bunny that bit her in 4th grade.

“You hate rabbits,” Kian said gently.
“Yeah.” I did—since one bit me in the fourth grade—but how weird that he knew.

FOURTH GRADE, MAN. And furthermore, he could be working against her!

“Sort of like a double bluff. You tell me enough of the truth to make me think you’re on my side while you’re manipulating me for your own ends.”

Does Edie listen to her instincts?! Hell no! He could be responsible for a girl's death. Who cares. It's KIIIIIIIIIIAN. Gorgeous Kian. Please.

The Plot: I do not understand the paranormal agency plot at all, and I have no idea what's going on. There are all sorts of weird creatures that appear in the book completely senselessly, without any connection, completely disjointed from each other. We have an emotional vampire, a Bloody Mary, a Bag Man, a Greek Oracle, and I can't make any sense of it whatsoever. Then I finished the book, I read the "Author's Note"...and it all came together.

Ann Aguirre: "I found so many creepy things that they wouldn’t all fit in one book, so there are many shocks and gasps yet to come. The Immortal Game is messy and convoluted, full of monsters and magic, science and sacrifice."

So there's just a jumble of nightmarish creatures thrown in for the sake of creepiness and not for the sake of sense? I'm supposed to be confused because this book is supposed to be "messy and convoluted?"

Why would you do this to us? ;_;

Final notes: To further add to the trope, we have parents who are there, but who pretty much let the wonderful student that is Edie do whatever she freaking wants. And her mother, her brilliant mother...she just needed a makeover from her newly beautiful daughter...

“I want us to have a better relationship, a closer one. We have science in common, at least. I don’t know much about your new interests, but I could stand to be more physically fit. Maybe we could work out together? There’s a nice facility at the university…”

Why? Why?

I appreciate the message that Ann Aguirre is trying to send in this book: Don't let the bullies get to you. Don't commit suicide, there is hope in life. Unfortunately, the execution of this book did not work to my liking.

All quotes were taken from an uncorrected galley proof subject to change in the final edition.

At 5 AM Pacific Standard Time? My ass. It's going to be another bad day, I can see it.

“You’re different.”

Different. And there it was.

All her life Barrie had been on the receiving end of different.

Even once she’d learned to disguise the Watson gift, she’d still been the daughter of a woman who stood at the window and glared at people on the street from behind a curtain. The goddaughter of the drag-queen who went to parent-teacher conferences dressed in vintage suits and designer shoes.

This book is 448 pages long, and this is what happens in it:

A girl moves to South Carolina after her mother's death. She finds out that there may be a family curse, and some family members may hate her for it. There is a mystery involving her mother. She falls into a Romeo & Juliet style of love with a boy. The end.

This book is 448 pages long.

It is simultaneously dull while being excruciatingly ludicrous. This book makes the characters of a soap opera like Passions seem reasonable in comparison, and mind you, Passions is a show with a dwarf, a witch, evil twins, amnesia, and a trip to The Wizard of Oz (I'm not kidding). The difference is that the plot of Passions is at least entertaining. This book's became a parody of itself. If it had not given to me as an ARC, I would not have finished it, and I would have abandoned it within the first 50 pages.

There is a multitude of problems. I'm not going to summarize the book because the plot is peppered with

- Bafflingly strange characters
- A vague Romeo-and-Juliet family feud thing
- Sprinkled with a dash of family curses, Native American magic and slave Voodoo from out of nowhere with no sense
- A story so full of telling-not-showing that I found myself going "What the HECK? How did she came to THAT conclusion?!" multiple times throughout the book

The TRAGIC PAST:

“Lula was the kind of mother who locked herself in her room and surfed online auctions for designer clothes no one would ever see her wear because she hadn’t left the house in seventeen years. The kind who didn’t let anyone, not even me, see her scars. Who didn’t tell her twin sister she was still alive. Who dropped dead of a heart attack when her best friend—her only friend—told her he was dying of cancer, so she wasn’t there for him the one time he really needed her.”

I'm not a cruel person, really, I'm not. I want to empathize with the main character, I want to feel something for them, but throwing the kitchen sink at the main character and giving her a past to rival any Greek tragedy is not the way to do it. Barrie's life is a parody of a tragedy. It got to the point where I just rolled my eyes, saying, what next? Are they going to give her a kitten and then have it be mutilated by a pack of wild wolves?

There is a way of making a character sympathetic without throwing the whole world at her in order to elicit sympathy. The main character in this book had a Tragic Past that is so much so that it ends up being a caricature of itself.

- A father who was hated by her mother, burned to death before she was even born

- A mother who hates her husband (and by extension, her daughter) so much that she names her after a "crooked street"

it was only Barrie’s first name, her real name—Lombard—that served as a reminder of Lula’s bitterness.
Lombard, after San Francisco’s crooked street, and in memory of Wade, Barrie’s crooked father

- A mother almost burned to death, running away to live as a horribly scarred recluse finally dropping dead of a heart attack

- A cross-dressing, red-lipstick-wearing, high-heel-sporting black drag queen godfather in the final stages of pancreatic cancer

- A Romeo-and-Juliet family curse

- A crazy aunt who's barely capable of doing anything without bursting into tears, much less run a tea house in a broken-down plantation home

- A crazy alcoholic uncle and cousin who's out to get her

In order for me to sympathize with a character, she has to be believable. She has to seem like a realistic character, with a believable past, and there is no such thing in this book. Her past and her present is a soap opera on the grand scale of mind-boggling lunacy.

The background: Chock full of holes. Let's focus on the biggest hole: Barrie's mother's death. This is what we know of it:

- Lula (the mother) escaped from a fire that left her horribly scarred and burned and in pain for the rest of her life

- She lets everyone thinks that she is dead, running away to San Francisco to give birth to, and eventually raise her daughter (Barrie)

Here's what I don't get:

- How the FUCK did a woman who has been burned so badly that she is beyond recognition manage to escape from a fire and fake her own death?

- How the FUCK did a woman who has been so damaged in a fire manage to get all the way to San Francisco, into a hospital, give birth to a daughter without anyone at the hospital questioning what the fuck happened to her?!

- How the FUCK did a woman who has been burned so badly in a fire without a husband, without friends, manage to heal up and find a friend (Mark) to take care of her

- How the FUCK did a woman who has been burned so badly in a fire, without knowing anyone, manage to establish a new identity in a new town with a new child?

- How the FUCK did a woman who has been burned so badly in a fire manage to find a place to live, pay the rent, buy designer clothes online, AND pay someone to take care of her and her child?

We eventually learn that she was given money by someone. It still doesn't make sense because:

- It can't have been a huge sum, because said person's family is broke, their home broken-down, their family fortune run dry

- It certainly can't be enough for Lula to live on in extravagance for two decades

Barrie: Is an incomplete character. Barrie (short for Lombard?!) For me, she has no personality, she has no motivation. I didn't understand her choices, her train of thoughts just make no sense:

- I don't know why she would choose to ship in a bunch of furniture all the way from San Francisco to South Carolina because the house in South Carolina had broken-down furniture. Wouldn't it be cheaper just to, you know, sell the furniture, get the freaking money, and buy some furniture IN SOUTH CAROLINA?

- I don't know why she would hate a boy for no freaking reason at all, and trust me, I KNOW WHEN I SHOULD HATE A BOY IN A YA PARANORMAL. I'm the freaking expert at hating stupid boys, and trust me when I say that there's nothing about Eight that I should hate. He's a pretentious little preppie, that's all.

- I don't know why she is so fucking incompetent at doing something simple like locating a freaking bottle of aspirin in her purse WHEN HER SPECIAL POWER IS LOCATING THINGS. Her powers are haphazard, largely useless, and unexplained since she can't even find her freaking phone when she loses it.

Barrie is completely faceless and nameless as a character to me. I cannot pick out any memorable quotes from her, because everything she says feels utterly banal and meaningless.

The love interest: I don't know why the main character hates him. I think his name, "Eight," is ridiculous (for Charles Beaufort the Eighth," being the 8th said holder of his actual family name--his father is Seven). He, like the main character, is completely lackluster in character, and devoid of personality.

The Paranormal: Random and nonsensical. Barrie's powers are hardly used, hardly mentioned, and largely useless. She has a skill for locating things, and most of the book doesn't even mention it.

There is the use of Cherokee and slave Voodoo in the book that feels completely random and out of place. It clashed with the setting, for some reason, on a Southern plantation setting, we have Cherokee Fire Carrier spirits and ghosts, and Voodoo plat-eyes. They are just there to make pretty pretty fires that attract Barrie and pull her into the dark woods in the middle of the night; I didn't feel like they were a realistic and compelling element in the setting.

Mark:

Mark’s room had always looked like the Moulin Rouge had thrown up, pink and black satin, a throwback to his drag show days when he’d been going to be the next RuPaul, the next José Sarria.

The most clichéd dying RuPaul crossdressing wannabe in the whole world. He may be dying, but his character makes me want to laugh because he is so outrageously portrayed.

What makes it worse is that the book mentioned this cliché.

People had always judged Mark. For being too gay, or not gay enough, or not transgender the way some expected.

And I may be one of those characters, because I felt like Mark was a caricature of a crossdressing black guy.

Please allow me to say that I am 100% for gay rights, and I believe that people should wear and do whatever makes them happy. This is not a complaint about a character who is different, this is an observation that the character did not feel real. I have friends who are gay. I have friends who are crossdresser (I give my clothes to one of them). I share a locker room with a guy who is transgender. I don't care about who you love, what you wear. My complaint about this book is that Mark's character felt like it was inserted in there for no reason at all, as a ploy to diversity that fell short.

His voice sounded pinched, the way it had the night of her first awards ceremony, when he’d worn Spanx to squeeze into a pink Chanel suit he’d accidentally bought too small on eBay.

Mark wears sky-high heels and red lipstick. He loves Lady Gaga. He has a cat named RuPaul. I'm all about diversity in books, and I'm the last person in the world to have a problem with a cross-dressing character, but the thing is that Mark is just too much. He felt like a caricature of a transvestite rather than someone real. The character of Mark felt out of place, outrageously so. I am sure that this book meant well, I am 100% positive that this book did not intend to mock the transvestite community in any way, but for me, Mark felt like a mockery of a person.

Overall: Not recommended. The book tries to sell itself to fans of the Beautiful Creatures series. I say, stick to that series and save yourself the trouble.

Quotes were taken from an uncorrected proof subject to change in the final edition.

Ok, so I lied. A review tonight after all.

Dear Kurt Cobain,
Mrs. Buster gave us our first assignment in English today, to write a letter to a dead person.

For me, this book was pointless, puerile, and pretentious with a character who is the passive, dull YA Contemporary equivalent of Bella or Luce.

It’s hard to be myself, because I don’t know exactly who I am. But now that I’ve started high school, I need to figure it out really fast.

The main character was simultaneously too naive and juvenile, while never letting me forget that behind this character, there is an adult writing this book.

On my first day...I used my favorite outfit from middle school instead, which is jean overalls with a long-sleeve tee shirt and hoop earrings.

I could not bring myself to care about the extremely dull character, who has no character and no personality of her own, who comes off as a girl who's only too willing to be pulled along by peer pressure.

The next thing I realized is that you aren’t supposed to bring your lunch. You are supposed to buy pizza and Nutter Butters, or else you aren’t supposed to even eat lunch.

This book goes nowhere. It is a diary of a high school girl, Laurel, who's lost her sister, May. Laurel's despair over May's death is tremendously subtle, and so suppressed that I can hardly tell she's grieving at all.

I guess I am not doing this assignment the way I am supposed to. Maybe I’ll try again later.
Yours,
Laurel

No shit.

The point is that there was no point to this book. If I wanted to read about a main character that I can't relate to, whose grief isn't even present, who falls in love too easily, who lets herself be completely bent by peer pressure, who can't really relate to her family...WHY DO I NEED TO PAY MONEY FOR IT? If I wanted to read the diary of a really immature young woman, I can just go onto Tumblr or DeviantArt or Livejournal (does anyone use Livejournal anymore?) and browse through any amount of adolescent frippery for free. And I can stop when I want to!

The Premise: This book is written in a series of letters to dead characters, musicians, poets, actors. It reads like a slightly less silly version of a 12-year old fangirl writing letters to One Direction or Justin Bieber.

Dear Amy Winehouse,
Your fearlessness seemed like it came from a different time. When your first album was released, you still looked innocent, a pretty girl who said she thought she was ugly.
You would step onstage in your little dress, sipping a drink, with your big beehive hairdo and Cleopatra eyeliner, and sing with a voice that poured out of your tiny body. You were willing to expose yourself without caring what anyone thought. I wish I was more like that.

And 95% of the book is about Laurel, not the artists. To be fair, I didn't want it to be, because the information I got from these artists from these silly, juvenile "letters" aren't anything I wouldn't have gleaned from 5 minutes on Wikipedia or Daily Mail UK.

The Actual Letters: A few paragraphs on the artists themselves, and then a million pages (or so it felt like) of a teenaged girl rambling on about:

1. Skyyyyyyyyyy. Skyyyyyyyyyy <3333333

I especially like to watch this boy, whose name I figured out is Sky. He always wears a leather jacket, even though summer is barely over. He reminds me that the air isn’t just something that’s there. It’s something you breathe in.

2. Her family, dad, mom, crazy Bible-thumping Aunt Amy
3. Her lesbian friends
4. Her cool older friends who are like, so awesome, and, like, so into each other, and like, so into music!

Dear Janis Joplin,
When I got home today, I looked up about Slash, and I also looked up about your life, so that I can start my education, and so that I can be friends with Tristan and Kristen.
When Kristen and I are better friends, I am going to ask her to play me some of your music.
Yours,
Laurel

5. Her sister. I guess.

The "letters" follow this pattern for the entire fucking book:

Dear ______,

I think you're really cool because _______. I imagine that you must have been like _________ growing up. I think your dreams must have been like the wings of an angel sparkling with unicorn horns and butterfly dreams that never got fulfilled.

Today I went to lunch with my friends. I thought about Sky a lot.

Then I talked to my friends. Then I watched them kiss. Then I pretended that I didn't see them kiss. I went home to talk to my really sad dad, and I reflected upon how sad he is and how much I miss him. And May. But I'm not going to think about May. I'm not going to tell you anything about how she died. I'm going to let you have the impression that I love her even if I don't say it. I'm going to give you the impression that I care about her without ever implicitly mentioning her.

Sky is really hot.

______, you must have been so cool to know while you were alive.

Yours,
Laurel

AN. ENTIRE. BOOK. LIKE THIS.

Laurel: She reminds me a lot of Lara Jean from Jenny Han's To All the Boys I've Loved Before, which is to say, she's innocent as fuck, she's naive as fuck, and even if she's old enough to get to 3rd (and then some) base with her boyfriend, and drink, and do illegal shit, she's just there for the ride. Laurel is not a leader. She is a follower. She does things because people tell her to. If this book were an YA paranormal, Laurel would be the equivalent of Bella Swan because she fucking does nothing in the book unless someone drags her into it.

She is a good girl, an innocent girl who drinks and do stupid stuff like ask strangers to buy her alcohol because her (cool) friends tell her to. And she really, really wants to be friends with them. She is desperate to be loved, and I couldn't give a flying fuck about that. Spare me your dull I-have-problems-that-I-won't-talk-about mental issues; I want a girl twisted and torn by grief, I don't want a passive little fluffy bunny, even if that bunny occasionally indulges in some cannabis-laced carrots.

Inconsistent Writing: I could not get immersed in Laurel's character because she has such an inconsistent voice. In some parts of her narrative Laurel sounds like s 12-year old.

- I liked everything about it. I liked waiting in line with everyone. I liked that the girl in front of me had red curls on the back of her head that you could tell she curled herself. And I liked the thin crinkle of the plastic when I opened the wrapper. I liked how every bite made a falling-apart kind of crunch.

- When I got the shirt, secretly I had hoped that Sky would notice me in it and see who I could be. Maybe he’d feel a pang of regret over losing me.

- It had my name on the back. It was perfect. He had sanded the wood down so it was smooth, but the grains don’t go away. I told him it was my favorite present I’d ever gotten. He looked proud.

And then she starts spouting off philosophical crap and imageries out of freaking nowhere, and I'm left wondering who am I reading, the character or the author trying to write a poetic teen who's not convincing in the least?

- Her house is a different kind of empty. It’s not full of ghosts. It’s quiet, with shelves set up with rose china, and china dolls, and rose soaps meant to wash out sadness.

- There is something fragile like moths inside of him, something fluttering. Something trying desperately to crowd toward a light. May was a real moon who everyone flocked to. But even if I am only Sky’s street lamp, I don’t mind.

- I think Hannah must be afraid like I get afraid, the way I did when I heard the river yesterday, the way I do when I don’t even know what the shadow is, but I feel it breathing.

Laurel's narrative voice just did not work for me. I can't take a 12-going on 40 year old poet.

The Romance: Zero spark. Zero chemistry. About as convincing as the romance between Leonardo DiCaprio and whatever barely-legal Victoria's Secret supermodel he's dating now.

Everyone loves Laurel. Out of nowhere, the most popular guy in school asks her out, and not only that, she got the attention of Sky, the loner who never talks to anyone.

And although he has license to stand with the cool kids, he still doesn’t fully belong anywhere and hasn’t relinquished his title of Mr. Mystery. Hence the throng of girls who are always leaning in and touching his arm. But of course, my money’s on you.”

He's a cool loner, the one who never cares about anyone, until he meets Laurel. It is insta-love for her, and Sky falls for Laurel remarkably fast, considering Laurel never does or say anything fucking remarkable. But I guess 17-year old boys are easily impressed.

“You’d be a really great writer,” I said.
“Oh yeah? How do you know?”
“By the way you talk. Like when you said that Kurt is so loud because he’s staring the monster in the face, and how you’ve got to fight back.”

Final Comments: The grief over May's death just isn't there. Sure, Laurel is supposed to be really, really sad about May, considering she died, but I never felt her sadness. It is a matter of telling, not showing. You could argue that Laurel is suppressing her grief really well, but why the fuck would I want to read a book about that? It's the equivalent of reading a romance novel where the main character absolutely refuses to fall in love against all reason. I know those books exist. I don't like them!

Some truly bad things happen to Laurel in this book, and guess what? I don't care. I want to care. I'm not a callous person, but you have to make me FEEL something for the character. I could not relate to her. I could not sympathize with her. I did not like her. I can't bring myself to hurt for her when she is damaged.
Not recommended.

It seems like Goodreads exploded today, so I'm just gonna take a night off reviewing and be a potato.

It's been 95 fucking degrees all week here. I'm a baked potato, but not baked in that sense, because I've always been sadly drug-free.

Lex turned her scythe over in her hands once more, unable to take her eyes off it. “It’s amazing.”
“And so dark, too,” said Zara. “I’ve never seen one that dark before.”
Uncle Mort rolled his eyes. “So it’s agreed, the scythe is totally dreamy.” He stood up and grinned that unglued smile again. “But it’s nothing more than a butter knife until you put it into action.”

How do you make a different girl, a special girl into a main character that doesn't feel like a Mary Sue?

- Make her a juvenile delinquent
- Make her angry, but not unreasonable
- Make her likeable and sympathetic, despite her attitude
- Don't let her hate other girls
- Don't make her fall into insta-love
- Give her room to grow

And, most importantly, give her the hottest Grim Reaper uncle in the whole wide world.

Sitting atop a black and purple–streaked motorcycle was, in a startling number of details, the exact type of villain depicted in the Never Talk to Strangers! picture book that had been drilled into Lex as a child: a man six feet tall, in his late thirties, lean but strong, roguishly attractive.

Because I have priorities, man!

This was a great book, a strong main character, light on the romance, a wonderful and well-built setting. The writing is fantastic. It's filled with humor and love interests who would rather punch and kick each other than make googly eyes over corpses that they're supposed to be Killing. (Not killing, Killing. There's a difference besides the capitalization, I swear!)

The Summary:

She had begun acting out in every way that a frustrated bundle of pubescence possibly could: she stole things, she swore like a drunken pirate, and she punched people. Nerds, jocks, cheerleaders, goths, gays, straights, blacks, whites, that kid in the wheelchair—no one was safe. Tyrannosaurus Lex, as they called her, was an equal opportunity predator.

Lex is an angry, angry 16-year old girl. One could call her a juvenile delinquent. It wasn't always like this, Lex was once a loving twin sister (she still is, actually), a good daughter (not so much anymore), a straight-A student. But then a few years ago...something within her changed. Lex can't even explain it herself.

She just felt angry, all the time, at absolutely nothing. And whenever she tried to pinpoint the reason why, no matter how hard she tried, she was never able to come up with a single, solitary explanation.

Well, sadly, Lex has bit her last classmate (they don't call her Tyrannosaurus Lex for nothing), because her parents are at the end of their ropes. Their last resort: Sending Lex away to spend a summer with Uncle Mort on his farm.

Great. Fantastic. A summer in the middle of fucking nowhere, on a farm. With cows and sheeps and no internet and no phones and away from her parents and beloved twin sister. A summer with old, fat, balding Uncle Mort, right? Well...not exactly. Uncle Mort is hot. He rides a motorcycle, and he looks like someone who's going to kidnap innocent young girls.

Peeking out from underneath his sleeves were samplings of what was undoubtedly an impressive array of tattoos, and a red, craggy scar ran from his right earlobe to the corner of whatever sort of eye hid behind his sunglasses. Clearly, this was a man who would waste no time in snapping the neck of anyone who happened to piss him off.

Which, actually, he does when Lex doesn't obey him.

“You don’t look like family. You look like a freak.”
“Okay, Lex,” he said, revving the engine once more. “I didn’t want it to come to this, but you leave me no—” His eyes widened at some unknown horror behind her. “Is that a bear?”
“What?” screeched Lex, twisting around to cower at —nothing.
But that millisecond of falsely placed terror was all Uncle Mort needed. Deftly grabbing her around the waist, he chucked her onto the seat behind him, kicked the bike into gear, and tore down the road as if blasted from a cannon.
“I can’t believe you fell for that!” he yelled over the roar of the engine.

Uncle Mort practically kidnaps Lex and takes her to the town of Croak. Population 78...well, 80 now. But Croak ain't exactly a farm village...and Uncle Mort isn't a normal uncle. He's a Killer (again, not the same thing as a killer), he releases a dying soul from the body. Lex is going to join the family business by becoming a Killer herself, and she's going to have to cut the juvenile delinquent bullshit or else.

“You may have gotten away with this childish, petulant bullshit back home, but I assure you, it’s not going to fly here,” he said, letting go of her arm. “So I’ll cut you a deal: you behave like the mature individual that deep down I know you are, and in turn, you will be treated as such. Sound fair?”

Being a Killer is a pretty sweet gig, if it weren't for stupid boy Driggs occupying the same house and pissing her off and making fun of her. Lex gets her own scythe, she learns to do an essential job, she makes friends (and quite a few enemies). There are moral dilemmas that Lex is going to have to get the fuck over if she's to do her job.

Family or not, Uncle Mort means business. There will be no fucking around here. Lex is going to have to grow up, and fast.

His face was inches from hers, his eyes fiery. “Lex, if you’re not just being a smart-ass, if you really do have a problem with all this, now’s the time to say so. If you’re hesitant, you’re a liability, and if you’re a liability, you sure as hell are never going to be a Grim.”

It's not as easy as collecting souls, there's something bigger at stake here; Lex and her friends uncover something strange: someone's been killing people...and that someone may be one of them.

It's going to be one hell of a summer.

She had a job to do, and she sure as shit was going to do it.

The Setting:

“I told you it wasn’t here, Quoth. Has anyone seen my cravat?” he shouted to no one in particular.
Lex fell right out of her hammock. “What the—are you Poe?”
“Regrettably.” He sighed, smoothing his pants. “Call me Edgar. Or the Tell-Tale Fart, that’s Teddy Roosevelt’s favorite.” He shot a distasteful glance at the crowd of presidents. “Jerks.”

AHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The setting is absolutely fabulous. The town of Croak itself is adorable and quaint, with a 50s-style diner that serves food with names like "Mad CowBurger, E. Coli Cola, and the gag-inducing Salmo-Nilla Ice Cream." The town inhabitants fuck with the unfortunate tourists who accidentally wander inside (Uncle Mort is so opportunistic), milking them for money (like $50 for bird-watching fees). It's just delightful.

The premise of Killing and Culling itself was very well-done, there's the Killer who don't actually kill: they release the soul from the body. Every Killer works with a Culler, who collects the soul, puts in a Vessel, and then release the soul into the Afterlife. There's a complex system of collecting souls, and levels of hierarchy that was believable, as well as fun.

And the Afterlife, Edgar Allan Poe, whom you met up there, is one of the many inhabitants. The system of what happens after death is explained, too, with enough room for ambiguity so that there's no HORRIBLY SERIOUS QUESTIONS about the existence of God. As an atheist and sometimes Buddhist, I am completely unoffended. This book portrays an interesting, sometimes silly, altogether readable system of Death.

Lex:

"You’re here because you’re special, and you’re special because—well, I don’t like throwing around words like ‘destiny,’ but let’s put it this way: this job chose you. Whether or not you reciprocate is completely your call.”

Lex is a special girl that I completely like. She is special, she has special powers, yes, but she doesn't feel like a Mary Sue at all. This is because she is such a tomboyish, angry, belligerent character.

I usually don't like angry, immature teenagers, but I found myself loving Lex. This is because the book made me feel like she doesn't really want to be that way, she's hurt, she's acting out for a reason that she doesn't even know.

It was as if her psyche had been infected with an insidious pathogen, like the viruses in all those zombie movies that turn otherwise decent human beings into bloodthirsty, unkempt maniacs who are powerless to stop themselves from unleashing their wrath upon the woefully underprepared masses.

Lex really is a success story, a believable story of a troubled young woman who just needs a hard hand and enough discipline to get her to walk the straight path. Lex does mature quickly and believably, and I appreciate that. It's all thanks to Uncle Mort.

Lex sat, stupefied. Over the past two years the various authority figures in her life had scolded, pleaded, lectured, cajoled, reprimanded, and threatened bodily harm, but none of them had spoken to her with anything resembling respect.

The Romance:

Ten minutes and two fights over the bathroom later, they slid into their seats at the kitchen table. Uncle Mort took one look at their matching black eyes and nodded.
“Yep,” he said to himself, drifting back to his newspaper. “That’s about what I expected.”

For much of the book, you might be a little confused at the romance because the two people involved, Lex and Driggs, are, well, punching each other's lights out.

Lex is an aaaaaaaaangry person. I think we've settled that, and she's more than met her match in the snarky, take-no-prisoner Driggs. She wants to hit him? Well, he can dish that out, too. Equality of the sexes, yo!

“You can’t hit a girl,” she said, rubbing her face.
“You hit me first.”
“So?”
“So I was defending myself.”
Lex huffed. This was going terribly. “You can’t do that!”
“It seems I just did,” he replied with a stilted laugh.
She scowled. “You are not normal.”
“Neither are you.”

Lex and Driggs fight like cats and dogs, until they realize that they actually have to get along in order to do their job. Lex wants to do her job well, she doesn't want her memories erased, and she doesn't want to be sent home. This is where she's meant to be, and she will tolerate Driggs if she must.

Driggs doesn't baby Lex, ever. He never underestimate her strength, her intelligence. He respects her, he knows she can take care of herself. Theirs is a relationship built on mutual respect and gradual friendship rather than insta-love, and I ship that completely.

And man, they are so adorably AWKWARD at kissing.

“Why do you care so much?” she asked.
Driggs sighed. “Don’t you know?”
Then something happened in the next two seconds, but neither Lex nor Driggs would be able to recall exactly what. All they knew was that after it was over, their eyes met once again, this time in horror.
“Why did you just kiss my ear?” Lex asked nervously.
Driggs winced. “Because you turned your head.”
“I thought that tree...moved.”
“Oh.”
Another moment of silence.

As awkward as my first kiss was, I'm pretty sure that has it beat. BUT MAN, IS IT ADORABLE.

This was Tyler Wahl. Tyler, who looked far too much like his older brother—my seventeen-year-old boyfriend—in looks, in stature...and, most of all, in age.
Tyler, who, the last time I’d seen him just the day before, had been only twelve years old.

This is the story of a special (and different) girl who got abducted by aliens, only to awaken five years later to fall in love with her boyfriend's 12-year old brother.



Who is now 17. But really, does that make it any less creepy, man?

The Summary:

"They’ve done something different to you—to make you special.”
I was still attempting to process what he’d just told me. About me being different from everyone else.

16-year old Kyra has just finished her softball game. She is a brilliant player, being scouted by multiple prestigious universities. Kyra doesn't give a flying fuck about all the other universities. She is in love with her childhood best friend, Austin. They've been in love since they were young teenagers, they're neighbors, they've been dating for years. Kyra wants to spend the rest of her life with Austin. Her dad thinks differently; in an argument with him over Austin, Kyra runs out of the car...and vanishes.

Kyra wakes up behind a gas station. She doesn't know how she got there, but she decides to go home. But it's not home anymore...The man who opens the door is not her dad.

“I don’t know what you’re problem is,” he hissed, trying to keep his voice low. “But this is my house, and you’re scaring my son. If you need help, then call 9-1-1. I can’t do anything for you.”

Freaked out, Kyra runs next door, into Austin's arm...or so she thought. Only it's not Austin. It's Tyler. Little baby Tyler...

...pipsqueak Tyler, who used to follow us around the house, intruding on conversations and telling the same annoying jokes that we used to tell when we were his age

AND MAN, IS HE HOT.

I tried not to look at how defined his bare chest was. Tried to keep my gaze from moving lower and noticing his muscled stomach and his navel, which was surrounded by a tuft of dark hair.

Austin who?! What's better than your 17-year old boyfriend?! His little brother! Who wants a 21-year old man when you can have a 17-year old boy?! YEAH!



And man, is he primed for seduction!

"You should know I’m glad you’re back.” He flashed me a sheepish smile as he added, “And now that I’m older, I’ll try to be a little more memorable.”

Way to usurp your big bro's girlfriend, man!

Austin who?

So now poor wittle Kyra's got a brand new family, she's lost five years of her life, but who cares, when she's got all-grown-up Tyler making googly eyes and staring at her?

We stood there for a moment, our eyes locked. It was too long, and we both knew it, but neither of us looked away, and then it was way, way too long. I’m not sure if it meant something, or nothing, and I hated how badly I wished I could see inside his head, to read his thoughts. But eventually my cheeks got hot, and I blinked first.

Austin who?

Who cares about her dad going insane and becoming an alcoholic because of her disappearance, when the consequences mean that Kyra and Tyler can spend heartbeats looking at each other feeling like fainting goats?

I saw a show on Animal Planet once about these fainting goats whose muscles froze up when they were startled, and they passed out. Like, they literally fell over if you scared them.
That was me, right now.
We stood like that for fifty-five straight heartbeats.

Austin who?

Oh! There's Austin. Only it's been five years, and he's, like, so old now. Not to mention he's got a girlfriend. But it's Tyler who makes her heart go pitter-patter now despite what she tries to tell herself.

Besides, on top of everything else, Tyler was still just Austin’s little brother. Too young to be anything more than a friend.

If I stopped lying to myself for even a second, then maybe there was a part of me where Tyler mattered more than he should.

Austin who?

Who cares if there are Men In Black from the National Security Agency following her when she's thinking about Tyler?

His green eyes, his new deeper voice, the way he teased me, his disarming smile. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Ins't that sweet? She remembers Tyler before his voice broke. Just adorable.

Austin who?

I mean, who's got time to think about the strange guy with copper eyes who's been following Kyra around all over the place when she can't stop comparing how much BETTER Tyler is than Austin. At everything. Even at opening car doors. Who knew there was such a specific way of opening car doors to make it extra-special. Just like Kyra.

He got out and came around to my side, opening my door and waiting for me. No one had ever opened my car door like that, not even Austin.

Who cares about the fact that aliens abducted her and returned her, that she's now extra-special? Who the fuck cares about her powers, when it's clear as the light of the hovering UFO that Tyler is the reason she came back. Not anyone else. Not her family. Not her friends. Not Austin (Austin who?). Not the government. Not her new group of friends.

Just Tyler.

I’d never been so alive, and I knew this was why I’d come back. To be here, right now, in this moment, with Tyler.

Austin who?

Bros Before Hos:

“Don’t pretend you didn’t know I had the hugest crush on you, Kyra. It wasn’t my fault I was only in the seventh grade and you barely noticed me.”

Also known as THY SHALT NOT COVET THY BROTHER'S CHICK, MOTHERFUCKER. Tyler, you are SO fucked up, man. You're lusting over your big brother's ex-girlfriend, the one to whom you now refer...as a cougar. Such a sweet hit line.

If you’re worried that I think you’re too old for me or something, I’m not.” He directed his gaze back to the road, but he was scowling now. “It’s not a big deal, Kyra. Really.” His lazy smile made a fleeting appearance. “I kinda like the whole cougar thing you’ve got goin’ on.”

Dude, I know she's hot, but man, she dated your BROTHER. There's got to be some kind of awkwardness about that. Austin and Kyra were together for years. They were best friends as well as lovers. Kyra snuck into Austin's bedroom every night, Tyler KNEW this. He still covets Kyra knowing what Kyra meant to Austin. What Austin meant to Kyra (apparently not much considering she forgot him 5 minutes after she saw the almost-all-grown-up-Tyler). All the emotional ties. All the secrets, the love. And you expect Kyra to forget about all the years that she had with Austin the instant she sees you?

Well, apparently, she does, but that's not the point!

Tyler is so fucking smooth. He's got this while seduction thing planned out. He draws beautiful artwork for her on the driveway on several mornings.

Tyler had drawn a cobblestone pathway that stretched all the way from one side of our street to the other, bridging our two houses, practically from my front door to his. And running across the top of the pathway was a saying, written in beautiful, scrawling script. It said:

I’ll remember you always.

He gives her his favorite old books.

My phone buzzed again. "I’m saying I want to share one of my very favorite things in the world with you, Kyra."

He pretty much does everything he can, full-stop, to make Kyra his.

“You like that? I like to pull out the big guns when I’m trying to make an impression.”
My eyes lifted. “Is that what you were trying to do, impress me?”
There was a beat, a moment in which our eyes met and my heart leaped, and then his voice dropped, feathering my skin and making me shiver. “Of course I am, Kyra. I was sort of hoping you understood that.”

Which is cute, but it really doesn't disguise the creepy level.

PEDOBEAR APPROVES: My little sister is 10 years younger than me. She has a lot of guy friends. I've known her little guy friends from grade school to this day. Some of them have grown up well, tall, handsome, smart, charming, exemplary young men.

Am I ever attracted to any of them? Will I ever be?

HELL TO THE NO. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. FUCK, MAN, THAT'S SO GROSS.



Yeah. Let's not forget that Kyra's known Tyler since he was practically a toddler.

I’d known Tyler his whole life. I’d been to all of his birthday parties, teased him when he had a lisp because he lost his front teeth, walked him to school on his first day, pushed him on the swing set until he cried mercy because it was too high, and built snowmen with him on snow days.

No, thank you. *shudder*

Kyra, the Special Girl: Kyra is very, very teenager. Which is to say she is self-centered, egotistical, and only sees what she wants to see. She is selfish, she cannot comprehend the fact that the fucking world doesn't revolve around her.

Ok, so it's been five years since Kyra disappeared. Did she want the whole fucking world to stay the same? Yes. You heard me. It's one thing to know that teenagers can be so ego-centric, it's another thing to read about one who makes me want to motherfucking punch her every other page.

Kyra expects the world to wait on her hand and foot. She hates the fact that her mother is remarried, to a kind man that Kyra now refers to only as "THE HUSBAND," her new little brother? "The kid." "The brat." That is, when he's not...

...the brat who’d stolen my mom.

It's a little baby! A little baby who can't even hold his own spoon and eat in a normal manner, which Kyra goes to mock, naturally. Because god help us if a toddler makes a mess while eating!

I’d already offended her and The Husband that morning when I’d implied that, perhaps, he needed more practice with a spoon as more of the oatmeal had fallen off it than made it to his mouth.

Her boyfriend, Austin, has moved on. He is now dating Cat, her best friend. Both former. They didn't mean for it to happen, but five years have passed; they were friends already, and they grew closer after Kyra's disappearance. And they're both trying to be friends with her again, but that's not how Kyra sees it!

The only two people I thought I’d wanted to talk to were now the enemy, camped out together and colluding against me.

I know it hurts, but there is a reasonable way for a character to get my sympathy. I want to take my sympathy, freeze it into a brick, and smash it into Kyra's face. Kyra can't really comprehend that people have a right to move on BECAUSE IT'S BEEN FIVE FUCKING YEARS.

So let's see, she came back after five years. Everyone's paying attention to her, pampering her, watching out for her...and still, Kyra feels like...

I bet I could implode, disintegrate into ash on this very spot where I was perched in my hospital gown on the edge of the bed, and no one would even notice.

Are you kidding me? You don't think everyone's looking at you and trying to figure you out and trying to get you to open up, bitch? Kyra somehow feeeeeeeeeeels that Tyler, hot Tyler, little Tyler is the only one who cares.

She snaps at everyone. The slightest comment from her ex-boyfriend regarding her ex-best friend Cat asking about her makes her snap.

“Cat misses you,” Austin said at last, clearing his throat loudly.
And with that, any nerves or worry that I might not say or do the right thing evaporated. Older, yes, but still just a stupid boy who said stupid things when he opened his mouth. “Cat? Really? You drove all this way to talk about Cat?”

The only one whose actions mean anything to her at all is Tyler. TYYYYYYYYLER.

The fact that he was here, standing outside my window and asking me how my day was, almost made me cry. No one else had bothered to ask how I was. He was the first person who wasn’t pulling me at both ends, like I was a rope in a tug-of-war.

Bullshit. Both her attitude and this book.

Austin who?



Disclaimer: I DO NOT ENDORSE PEDOPHILIA

Dear Anne Boleyn:

I'm so sorry for the way you died. I hated the way you were branded witch, whore, traitor; I shudder in horror at how you died, beheaded, reviled by a nation, betrayed by your own husband.

But man, the alternative if you had lived is so fucking dull.

After your death, you've been the subject and inspiration of many works of poetry, literature, films. You are now a legend, everything from the aforementioned witch, to temptress, to innocent woman caught in the middle of a vast web of manipulation. I'm sorry to say that your horrible, untimely death granted you your current mystique.

But had you actually given birth to a son, things would have sucked. For readers, that is. For, you see, your beloved Tudor Court is now usurped by a fucking Mary Sue. Her name is Minuette. And she's the most adorable thing in the entire world.

Minuette is the daughter of your imaginary French maid, now your ward. Her real name is Gwendolyn. She is lovely beyond words. Minuette is so fucking darlin' that the 5-year old Princess Elizabeth gives her the nickname of "Minuette" when she can barely pronounce the actual word she intended to use, which is "mignonette."

Elizabeth thought me too little for the name my French mother had given me. She attempted to call me Mignonette—meaning dainty and darling—but her three-year-old tongue did not pronounce it properly. I have been Minuette to my friends ever since.

Never mind how a three-year old can even SPEAK French. D'aww! Isn't that just fucking cute and improbable! Tas de merde!

She's so cute and charming and adorable and charming and beautiful and charming and lovely and charming that she charms eeeeeeeveryone in the whole fucking world.

Did I forget to say say she's charming? She is ^_^ . Minuette is adored by everyone she meets. Minuette is not only beautiful, but charming, and so nice and naive and innocent that nobody can hate her. EVER!

Minuette had always had charm—not the studied, showy type, but natural as breath and as much a part of her as her honey-coloured hair.

Elizabeth might have hated her for that charm, if Minuette weren’t so utterly without guile.

JUST TRY TO HATE HER, BITCHES. Let's see, who loves Minuette?

- Dowager Queen Anne: The orphaned (of course) Minuette is so beloved that after her mother's death, Queen Anne takes her on as her ward, to be Elizabeth's lady's maid and playmate.

- (The late) King Henry: So sweet, so charming, that even little itty bitty baby Minuette is adored by King Henry VIII over his own child, Princess Elizabeth.

Though he’d complimented Elizabeth’s mind, it was nine-year-old Minuette who had disarmed him. When the formidable, enormous King Henry had left, it had been Minuette whom he’d hugged goodbye.

Henry's just a big ole' softy, isn't he?!

- Princess Elizabeth: Minuette is now Elizabeth's lady's maid, and she has Elizabeth wrapped around her wee adorable charming fingers.

“William has given you leave?” Elizabeth let her annoyance leak out. “You are a member of my household.”
“And you would never say no to me.” Minuette smiled triumphantly.

- King William: That's right! Queen Anne had given birth to a son, after all. His name is William and he is England's 17-year old king. Who is head over heels in love with Minuette.

“I can’t see her yet. Not yet, Elizabeth. I need time to...” To forget the smell of her hair and the taste of her skin and the feel of her body against mine. To forget that I wanted her so desperately I’d have overthrown all honour to have her at that moment, with [a dead body] lying dead not ten feet away.

*gag

- Dominic: William's young mentor and best friend, his most trusted advisor---AND EMBROILED IN A LOVE TRIANGLE WITH MINUETTE! Bros before hos? Hardly.

When he at last entered the great hall, his eyes went straight to Minuette with the unerring instinct of a man besotted.

- EEEEEEEEVERYONE: Courtiers, noblemen, ambassadors, everyone adooooooores Minuette. She can be anyone, play anything, act as a perfect fucking spy because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

She's got the whole world in her pretty, pretty, ever-so-charming hands.

“One does not argue with His Majesty’s wishes.”
“Really? I argue with his wishes all the time.” Minuette positively dazzled as she added, “And I always win.”

So yeah, with all that beauty, with all that intelligence, Minuette doesn't need to do a single fucking thing when she has a big strong man to do it for her.

Her first thought was Dominic...because he was the steadiest man she knew and she needed someone steady to tell her what to do.

So Queen Anne, not only did you living curse us to suffer this...creature of the light's existence, but now your brilliant daughter, Princess Elizabeth has been reduced to a really boring normal royal princess; a wasted, pampered, worry-free life. She no longer needs to fight for her life, she no longer needs to worry about politics, about reclaiming her throne, about whether Queen Mary will kill her next...Liz is free to just chill, be the Princess, be spoiled by her brother, be his personal secretary (because the King has more important things to do than to respond to letters from his subjects)...and instead, spend time pining over that which she cannot have.

But for all that, Elizabeth knew she might have been severely tempted to plead with her brother to consider such an uneven match—if not for the simple fact that Robert [Dudley] was already married.

You gave birth to one of the most interesting, illustrious, intelligent, manipulative rulers that England has ever known, and Elizabeth is just completely wasted in this alternate history.

You know what they say? Like father, like son? Well, sorry to tell you, but William ain't much better than his dad.

He would wed for practicality, and take his pleasures where he could. For all the unorthodoxy of his parents’ marriage, that was the way of kings.

The only difference is that unlike Daddy, Willie boy doesn't have a tendency to take people's heads off.

Yet.

He's still a philandering brat, though. I mean, I can't blame him, in some sense. Imagine yourself as a darkly handsome young man with the Boleyn looks, and the Kingdom of England at your feet. I don't blame him for wanting to fuck everything with a hole. And that he does. Will really doesn't give two craps about people's feelings. To him, and to this "alternate reality" women are there to be used, bought, and sold. If they open their legs to him, it's becaues they want something, so he can fuck anyone he wants. Even if said woman is married. Even if he's the one who forces her into a marriage. But it's ok, because she would have wanted the marriage anyway!

“Have you given any thought to the lady, beyond what you desire?”
William hovered on the point of real anger before shrugging it off. “I assure you, Eleanor is quite content with the arrangement. No matter how long she … however long we … she will be the daughter-in-law of one of the premier dukes in England. It’s more than her family ever dreamed.”

And for some fucking reason, he just falls in love with Minuette. But it's ok, because, as I mentioned above, eeeeeeeeeeeeeveryone falls in love with fucking Minuette.

So with all that said, with all due respect, I'm glad you died when you did.

Sincerely,
Khanh

P.S. I'M SORRY, I KNOW GETTING BEHEADED MUST HAVE SUCKED SO BAD
P.P.S. I REALLY AM SORRY!

"This is Karma. I’m a bitch. Can you think of anyone who deserves a bitch slap?"
My phone buzzes again.
"If so, meet at Judy Blue Eyes, 2am. If not, sit back and enjoy the show."

*sheepishly hands over her "Get Out Of Jail Free" card*

Technically, I'm not supposed to like this book. There are no end to clichéd characters, there's not so much a love triangle as a love star or whatever shape there is with way too many pointy ends (my Geometry teacher would be so proud), because it seems like everyone's hooking up with everyone else. If you're a parent, this book is going make you want to home school your child for the rest of high school, if not their life.

But fuck it, I had a blast. This book was terrifically fun. Here's why I liked it, despite its flaws:

1. The setting: Northeastern US coastal island. For me, that's the equivalent of catnip
2. REVENGE, BITCHES! Because, really, who doesn't love a good tale of GETTING EVEN
3. No slut shaming:, there's rampant sex, but there's never slut shaming
4. Diversity: ok, fine, there's just one Asian main character, but that's one more than most books have! Thank you, Jenny Han!
5. A surprising amount of darkness: really, really wild teenagers. They hook up, they use drugs, they drink, they're horrible people---they're, erm, teenagers, with all that entails. This book deals with issues like date rape, underaged sex, bullying (in the true sense of the word), and suicide.
6. Who cares about a love triangle or whatever when I can't keep the hookups straight?!

It wasn't perfect by any means (and dude, what's with the paranormal thing at the end?!), but really, I had too much fun reading to care.

The Summary:

Today I told that girl in the bathroom that Reeve would get his, that karma’s a bitch. I meant it when I said it, but now I’m not so sure. I’m sick of waiting for karma. Karma can suck it.

It's been a long time since Mary has been back to Jar Island, her ancestral home. She had to leave years ago, due to certain...events. Mary was never a confident person, she's shy, she's socially awkward, but something happened a few years ago that broke her down. She had to leave the island. Now 17, Mary has chosen to return. Why? She hopes to catch the attention of a boy.

Will he recognize me, I wonder? Part of me hopes he doesn’t. But the other part, the part that left my family to come back, hopes he does. He has to. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Ah, but it's not what you'd expect. That "he?" It's a boy named Reeve. Is he a former lover? A crush? Hardly.

He...used to torture me when we were in seventh grade. He basically got everyone in our grade to hate me. He’s the reason my family moved away.

Kat is a tough girl, a loner, a girl who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Kat is big, bad, and bitchy. She smokes, she's a punk, she absolutely hates the rich townies and preppies at her school.

They make me want to barf, every last one of them. They get away with murder on this island. They just do what they want to do, and screw everyone and everything else.

But it wasn't always like this. Kat used to be one of the "in-crowd," best friends with the most popular girls in town. Her former best friend, Rennie now hates her guts, and spreads rumors about Kat whenever she gets the chance. Kat tolerates and ignores the rumors, until one day, she snaps.

I freaking spat in Rennie’s face. Pretty much the trashiest thing I could ever do. The lies Rennie’s been telling about me since freshman year, I just proved them true.

Because there's only so much a girl can take.

Lillia is a good student, a good daughter, a loving sister, the benevolent second queen bee in the school who holds a dark secret and shame. She is Rennie's best friend, a cheerleader. Lillia, Kat, and Rennie used to be a trio of best friends, until something tore them apart. Now Lillia is one of the most popular girls in school, and Rennie's sole best friend, but she knows too well what a bitch Rennie can be. But Lillia's got more to worry about than just the conniving Rennie; her innocent baby sister Nadia is entering the dark world of high school, and Lillia has failed to protect her from her two-faced childhood friend, Alex.

I never should have left her at that party. This is my fault just as much as it is Nadia’s. Maybe more. I’m her big sister. It’s my job to look out for her, to keep her safe.

Wonderful! Now we're all set up. The summer's over, the school year's just begin...and it blows so bad. Mary doesn't know Lillia and Kat. Lillia and Kat now barely talk to each other. They all meet, by chance, in the girl's bathroom. Two of the three are crying. For the guys out there, in case you were wondering, Many Mysterious Things go on in girl's bathrooms.

Well, that's a bonding moment if there ever was one, but who's to trust someone you just met? Gradually, they all learn about how certain people in their lives have been fucking them over. Mary wants revenge on the guy who's bullied her throughout middle school.

Before Reeve, I was one of the smart girls, especially in math. I was the shy but friendly one. I was a little socially awkward, sure. But after Reeve, I was the fat girl.

Kat wants revenge on her former best friend, the one who's been making her life hell for years.

Rennie has spread a hundred rumors about me over the years—how my dad is a meth dealer and he’s grooming my brother, Pat, for the family business; how I once tried to French kiss her at a sleepover. All kinds of lies, just so she could have something interesting to say.

And Lillia? A certain guy named Alex has been sleeping with Kat AND Lillia's beloved (and very, very young little sister).

...this fake chivalrous Alex also cheated on Kat by taking advantage of my little sister.

The new girl. The cheerleader. The loner. A triple threat. Revenge is a bitch, and so are they.

“We have to be more than careful,” I say. “No one can ever know what we’re up to. What we do together lives and dies with us.”

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Revenge: The three girls do some seriously cruel shit in this book, and I have to say that the sadistic part of me loved every single fucking moment. They set fire alarms, they give someone a rash, they break windows, they do very, very illegal things. And I don't even care. If you wanted a carebear book, look elsewhere, this book has pissed off people getting revenge on some very unpleasant people who may or may not deserve it. It's not a book for carebears.

The Characters: The book is told through three POVs, that of Mary, Lillia, and Kat. I didn't have any trouble telling them apart.

Kat is the "bitch" out of the three, her voice is the strongest, she is easily identifiable through her toughness and her tendency to be terribly blunt and sometimes profane. I didn't have a problem with her bitchiness at all. None of the characters pissed me off. Kat is not too clichéd to be true; she's tough, but she feels like a genuine character who can actually think and not be one of those Big Bad Girls who are mean and bitchy just for the sake of maintaining her tough-ass image. She is blunt, she is the ringleader, she puts them all together, she gives her allies strength.

“He’s not worth it,” she says. “None of these people are. Trust me.”

Mary is the quietest, the shyest, which makes a hell of a lot of sense, considering she used to be fat and bullied. She's pretty now, even, but the damage remains, and she remains unsure of herself. It took Mary a lot to be able to walk around school with her head up, despite the fact that she's not the "fat girl" anymore. I really loved her reaction to Reeve; she hates him, but she can't help wanting him to notice her and how she's changed as well. It's a naive hope that's realistic, knowing what she's been through.

I was crazy to think that Reeve would ever apologize for the terrible things he did to me. I always hoped, somewhere deep down inside, that I mattered to him. That he cared about me. That he was sorry for what he did.
I know now, I know for sure, that I was wrong.

Lillia is the double agent, with a foot in both worlds. She's best friends with Rennie, hangs out with the jock and cheerleader crowd, she's wealthy, beautiful, and friends with wrong-girl Kat. Lillia is most concerned about her sister, she acts more like a mother to Nadia. There was a whole lot going on with Lillia, she's got a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, both from her perceived responsibility to her sister, and from a very sick event that happened to her.

I kissed him back. I liked it. Then I didn’t. I said no. I think I said no. Didn’t he hear me?
I felt the bile rise in my throat. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

The Assholes: They have more depth to them than I originally expected, but man, at times, the Mean Girl in the book felt really cringe-worthy. Rennie and Reeve are some of the baddies in this book, and they talk like this, at times.

He drawls, “Rennie, honey?”
“Yes, Reevie baby?” Rennie flips her hair around.
“You know you’re my wifey, right?”
Eww.
“Of course.”
“And a wifey has to make sure her man is taken care of,” he continues.

I said AT TIMES, because thankfully, this type of silly speech doesn't persist throughout the book. But I did feel that Rennie was outrageously Mean Girl at some points; she completely played out the Evil Cheerleader Captain with great aplomb, from telling a girl her thighs are the size of Texas, to telling another that she has a skin problem.

“There can’t be any weak links whatsoever. That means if your friend is slacking, you let her know. Like, just as a for instance, Melanie, you need to commit these three words to memory stat: ‘cleanse,’ ‘tone,’ ‘moisturize.’” Melanie’s eyes fill up with tears, but she quickly nods.

The Romance: @_@;;;

I don't even know how to describe it, so let's not even go there. It's not bad, it's just a very interesting twist of the plot.

Overall: Tremendously fun, if you suspend your disbelief by a few foot. Just don't try it at home.

“Let me make sure I understand—you want me to lie to my dad, turn my back on my species, my people? Do you really expect me to trust an Ancient over my own family?”
“No, but I hope you’ll surprise me.”
I fix my gaze on Jackson. “Consider it done.”

I have no words.

This is your typical teenaged-heroine-saves-the-world book that really doesn't have anything new to add the standard range of YA tropes:

- The main character is really smart (but makes tremendously dumb choices)
- Her love interest is a stalker (but it's ok, because he's just protecting her while she's taking off her clothes)
- There's no point in kicking some ass when you have a boy there to protect you (even if you're more than capable of doing it)
- The human race is full of assholes
- There's going to be a love hexagon triangle
- Evolution doesn't work, because futuristic humans are really, really stupid
- Aliens are horrifying dumb despite their supposed age, technology, and sagacity

For example, this is how they disguise themselves:

“But they aren’t like us. If you look closely you can see their skin is neither white nor brown, neither light nor dark. See,” she says, tapping the screen, “it’s almost golden."

According to that definition, I'm pretty sure 90% of my Goodreads friends are aliens. Oh, but they have swirly blue/green eyes. WHY NOT JUST UN-SWIRLY THEM THEN? They can make themselves look human but they can't get fucking normal eyes? Maaaaan.

The Summary:

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. All I know is that I’m in trouble, maybe even we’re in trouble, yet all I can think about is the way he just said my name. Ari. He says it like I’m more than just a girl who everyone recognizes but no one sees.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ari Alexander. One day, she will be your military leader.

Lock your doors. Hide your children. Fear for your lives.

Let's start at the beginning. It's the year 2140, World War IV has passed, and humans are pretty much fucked because everything went BOOM during a nuclear war (always the nuclear war. Always). Thanks to radiation and shit, the earth is pretty much a wasteland; Mother Nature doesn't really have much in her womb anymore. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN. Enter the aliens, or, as we call them, Ancients. The Earth's remaining population is suffering from all sorts of evils like famine, disease, and Justin Bieber (there's one in every generation); instead of letting us rot in our own shit, the Awesome Ancients decide to help us out! They're gonna fix the earth, make it so that we can plant again, give us time and space to grow and rebuild. All we have to do is let them go on top of us for a few hours a night.

Wait, what?

Get your mind out of the gutter, it's just a simple exchange of bodily fluids, ok?

Wait, what?

OK, LET ME REPHRASE THAT. They're sucking out our antibodies. There's nothing sexual about it. But MAN, their bodily fluids taste awesome!

A single drop of liquid hits my lip, and reflexively I lick it away. My taste buds explode with flavor. A perfect mixture of sweet and sour, warm and cold.

ALIEN SEMEN, YUM! I'm just kidding. Really.

Ok, time to get back on track.

Ari Alexander is 17. She is going to be a Commander (military-type thingy) when she grows up. It's a position that will pass onto her through the current Commander, her father. Ari has been raised her entire life to be a fierce combatant, a future leader, one who will serve and protect her country.

And she totally sells out to the aliens in about 5 minutes. One night, Ari couldn't find the Patch that'll make her unconscious before the aliens go on top of her, and as a result, she remains awake. She sees the Alien, only...she knows this alien. He (it?) goes to her school.

It—he—hovers above me as light as air. A bright glow encircles him. His eyes are closed. A sweet smile rests on his perfect face.
My Ancient is Jackson Locke.

Jackson goes to her school. This isn't good, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. There are rules about this, the aliens are not supposed to be on Earth without permission. They're sure as fuck not supposed to be in school with her.

This is a HUGE security breach. Ari should notify her dad, the Commander, who will then notify the Prime Minister, who will notify the world's leaders, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. But Jackson's not a bad person (or so he says). He's just trying to prevent war from happening between humans and aliens. In order to do that, he needs to enlist Ari's aid.

What is Ari going to do? Is she going to tell her dad, the experienced military man? Or is she going to take the word of someone who's lied to her all along?

Wanna guess?

And is she going to be able to save two entire species while falling in love? ;_;?

"Did you completely allow your feelings to overcome your logic?”
I grasp the wall to keep from falling.

The Aliens: Also known as: DUMBASSES.

Ok, as I mentioned above, the humans and aliens are at war. Secretly. Neither side knows that the other side is planning to annihilate each other, except for Jackson and Ari, who are trying to be the middleman (it took me awhile to figure out, this book made it really, really confusing). Apparently, the aliens need Earth because it has water, and they need human antibodies in order to go down to Earth and get water, with the caveat that one day they will Coexist with us on earth.

Uh, so why not just kill us earlier, and be done with it. Seriously, why the fuck not?

I don’t know if Jackson overestimates the Ancients or underestimates us, but I do know they have abilities and advanced technology far beyond anything we’ve even considered.

The aliens SAVED humans when we were falling apart, why not just, you know, take our antibodies and then KILL EVERYONE. Easier, right? You can't tell me that these aliens developed all this technology, all this intelligence, all these skills while being completely peaceful people. And now they're apparently willing to kill the people of Earth in 2140 because we're rebelling, so why not just save the trouble and kill us off while we were at our weakest? What's the fucking point of allowing us to rebuild and improve our technology, give us back our food, clean our water, etc? You don't want your food putting up a fight, man.

Dumb fucking aliens.

The Humans: Also known as: THE OTHER DUMBASSES. It's 2140. There's hardly any food, you have to eat food pills instead. An actual meal can cost a normal person a month's salary. Yet we've got advanced technology so that we can aspire to Bite The Hands That Feed Us. We don't have countries anymore, we have continents, and a Presidential position for each of the continents. African President, European President, Asian President, etc (no idea how that happened). Forget about States in the US, those are, like, poof!

And apparently we've regressed (somehow) to a hereditary system. We have three major sectors, the Chemists, the Parliament, the Engineers (no idea how that got established), basically the people who make shit, the people who rule over shit, and the people who protect the people who rule over shit. Leadership positions, such as the President and the Commander are hereditary, meaning they're passed on from parent to child (irregardless of sex). Ok, that kinda works, except for...

The Australian Trinity has since been dissolved, thanks to the last leader being unable to have children to continue the legacy of the founding Australian leader.

What. The. Fuck?

Are you telling me that we're so fucking stupid in the future that YOU CAN'T JUST ELECT ANOTHER PRESIDENT? Hell, they did it in Medieval times? A king dies without children, EVERYONE FIGHTS FOR THE FUCKING THRONE (so sorry, Joffrey). And a thousand years in the future, WE'RE LETTING AN ENTIRE CONTINENT PRETTY MUCH GO TO PICES BECAUSE WE CAN'T SIMPLY ELECT AN HEIR?

I have no words for this stupidity. PEOPLE OF THE FUTURE, YOU FAIL ME.

Trust a Pretty Face:

"I know you don’t trust me, and I don’t blame you, but at least wait until I can explain.” He bends down in front of me so we’re eye to eye. “Can I count on you to keep this a secret? Just please—”
“All right,” I say.

For someone who's been spoonfed military strategy and combat skills with a tough-as-nails dad her entire fucking life, Ari is a fucking moron. Why the fuck does she trust Jackson 5 minutes after she discovers that he's an alien who's been hiding under her nose?! Her dad is the military expert, where's the loyalty? Where's the family trust? Why the fuck are you choosing to believe in someone who's supposed to be your potential enemy, the source of much fear and suspicion? Someone from a species you're been scared of your whole life? Don't be a fucking idiot. In the real world, would you trust a spy? Someone from an enemy nation? Someone you KNOW is capable of killing the entire human race, if not just you? No!

The Characters: Are without character. Really, they're so fucking bland. Jackson's kind of an asshole, except he's not really. He uses his "I'M AN ALIEN" excuse to be in her room all. the. fucking. time. He's kind of a playboy, but not really. He's kind of nice, but not really. Ari is kind of kick-ass, except she falls in love a lot, and then she keeps having these awkward moments with Jackson when they're supposed to be having secret spy meetings. I can't even find much to mock about them because they're both just so insufferably fucking dull.

The Romance: *takes a deep breath* Ari is engaged to Lawrence, who likes Ari a lot, but might have a crush on Gretchen, who's Ari's best friend, who can't really help the way she feels, but Ari is secretly in love with Jackson, who is supposed to be dating MacKenzie, who has loved him but he doesn't return her feelings.

That's a mouthful. I can't even mock the romance because, once again, it is so DULL, like the characters. There's no spark whatsoever. There's a halfhearted hint of a love triangle between Ari and Jackson and Lawrence but I don't give a flying fuck because they were so boring. Honestly, there's more chemistry between me and the 70-year old retiree who hogged my machine at the gym today.

Overall: A book with a questionable settings, really boring characters, and an action-packed second half that somehow manages to bore me out of my mind.

He slowly turned around. “What is love? In English.”
I raised my brows. “Love, in English, is love?”
“What is it in Spanish?”
I was so enthralled by his hypnotic eyes, I could barely remember. “Amore?”
He shook his head ever so slightly. “No. Love in Spanish is you.”

I got to hand it to Mateo, when you have a successful hit line, milk it for all it's worth.

This is not a contemporary romance. It is a fairy tale, a fantasy in which adultery is not only accepted but condoned and encouraged by everyone involved (except, naturally, for the unfortunate wife and child). Were this not a book, with predictable, expected elements of falling in love, we would be reading about the sad tale of a naive, broken young woman with daddy issues who got used up and spit out by an older, wiser, manipulative sports celebrity who knew just what to say to get her to spread her legs and open her heart.

There are certain elements of romance I dislike, but which I can appreciate when done well, adultery is one of them. I do not like adultery, but I read this book with knowing that there will be cheating. I did not start this book knowing I would hate it, I opened this book with an open mind, but since this is a premise I do not like I expected certain things out of it:

I wanted it to:
1. Show me a well-drawn, realistic, and believable romance
2. Show me that there is more beyond this relationship beyond that of lust and insta-love
3. Show me that there is actual love involved beyond the superficial
4. Show me why I should condone these two

This book did none of the above. It did nothing to convince me that, outside of the fairy-tale fantasy of a book, that this relationship could have existed. It was not realistic.

"Well, Khanh, why did you read a fucking romance novel if you wanted things to be realistic, then?!" Because I expect SOME elements of realism in my contemporary novels. Otherwise, I would be reading Harlequins with titles like THE BILLIONAIRE MMA BIKER SURGEON SHEIK'S ACCIDENTAL TWIN DAUGHTERS WITH THEIR BUNNY DOLLS or something like that. I wanted this book to be believable, is that too much to ask?

The Setup: Unrealistic and improbable. Vera is a 23-year old college astronomy student. She is in Spain, she is enrolled to work as an English speaker for a program that will immerse native Spanish speakers with English for several weeks. She doesn't speak a word of Spanish, and therefore runs late to the bus. When she gets to the bus, there is only one seat available. The one next to darkly handsome, world-famous Mateo Casellas.

Ok, some problems with that.

1. Why the fuck is the handsome, world-famous (think retired Spanish David Beckham who now owns several famous Spanish restaurants) Mateo SITTING ALL BY HIMSELF in a country where everyone knows who he is?!

2. Why the fuck is Mateo in this school in the first place? He speaks fluent Spanish, as Vera points out herself. He wants to learn to speak better English because people look down on businessmen who can't speak English well.

Ok, understandable, BUT there are some more problems with that.

1. Granted, we can't see the accent within the page, but Mateo speaks almost flawless English. My English is prett damn perfect, and there are but few flaws in the way Mateo speaks within the book. He lacks some pop culture words, some slangs, but otherwise, his English is wonderful. As for slangs, well, shit, a book could take care of that, don't you think? It would certainly waste less time.

2. His wife speaks fluent English. Why not get her help?! Arg!

The thing about this book, is that in a realistic world, Mateo and Vera wouldn't have met in the first place, because Mateo has no need of Vera's English skilllllz!

Vera:

The thing was, I didn’t do love. That wasn’t my thing. That was the reason why I didn’t date, I only got laid when I needed to blow some steam or have some fun. Love was scarier than deep space.

Could have fooled me. Vera: the troubled young woman who vows never to fall in love---only to fall in insta-lust and then love---with Mateo before 30% of the book is even through. A walking cliche. A clinical psychologist's dream patient, because man, is there a lot to psychoanalyze here. Troubled childhood doesn't even begin to describe it. Vera has been doing drugs since she was barely in high school. She sleeps around, she doesn't really care about her family besides her brother, she doesn't care about anyone, or anything...and nobody really cares about her either.

The thing with Vera is she's had a string of really, really incompetent boyfriends and easy lays, none of whom ever sees beyond the superficial, none of whom ever cared about her. She's only ever had really, really stupid boys. It takes a mature, wise, manipulative man like Mateo all of five minutes of DEEEEEEEEP QUESTIONING INTO HER SOUL to make her feel like she's the center of the universe. He gets her to talk about herself, her wishes, her dreams. It takes SO LITTLE effort on his part to make Vera melt into a puddle of love-goo.

“You are special, Estrella,” Mateo said, his eyes softening as he gazed at me.

Vera is an astronomy student. Mateo starts nicknaming her "Estrella," meaning "Star" in Spanish. She thinks it's the most wonderfully romantic thing EVER.

What a disappointment. I wanted Vera to be harder to seduce.

Mateo:

“Ugly?” Mateo said in fervent disbelief. “No. You are terribly beautiful, Vera. So beautiful that it hurts. You would outshine her like the star you are.”

A suave Spanish lover. One who knows just what to say, what buttons to push, in order to seduce a girl. Especially one so obviously broken and damaged as the tattooed, tough, blunt, hard-spoken Vera.

In this fairy-tale world, he falls in love, improbably so, I feel. In the real world, this could have ended in Vera's broken heart. Of course, the book is set up so that Mateo falls madly in love for Vera, but were it not for the book's very obvious setup of that scenario, I would not have believed it.

Mateo's romantic words to Vera are lovely, exquisite, and ever-so-rehearsed. They are lines from a romance novel, a movie, the sort that Nicholas Sparks would have been proud to author.They are too smooth, they are too much, they are completely unbelievable...given this man is supposed to NOT have been fluent in English, remember? “You already are the other woman!” he yelled right back. His words smashed into me, blowing me to smithereens. He cupped my face in his hands. “You already are, whether you want to be or not. You’ve bewitched me, Vera. You’ve blinded me. You’ve made me forget my vows. And all you had to do was shine.”Spare me. Mateo's lines are that of an experienced seducer, one who, for all we know, could have come to the school every few months to have an affair alone. God knows it's commonly done here, since others in the group have obviously confessed to having love affairs in this "school." It's not a school, it's an expensive rendezvous point.

The Affair:

“Well…you’re married,” I said unevenly, wishing my heart would slow the fuck down, feeling completely exposed even in the dark of night.
“And so are many of them.”
“It would be inappropriate...”
“How do you know? Is this inappropriate?”

From the very moment that Vera and Mateo lay eyes on each other, they, well, want to lay each other. I wanted a slow introduction, I wanted more depth than just insta-love and insta-lust. I didn't get that. Mateo and Vera are intensely attracted to each other, they constantly flirt, touch. Mateo is horny for Vera. Vera gets her panties wet for Mateo. That's fine! There's nothing wrong with insta-lust, but it doesn't convince me that this is a relationship that has any depth beyond that. And it is an affair. Mateo has been wearing a wedding ring since the beginning.

Initially, he refuses to talk about his wife. But he's still married.

He insinuates a difficult relationship with his wife. But he's still married.

We don't know what his wife is like. She could be a bitch (she's not). Regardless of what kind of personality she has, he's still married.

He flirts with Vera. He's still married.

They fuck. He's still married.

They carry on a long-distance relationship. He's still married.

The Legacy of Adultery:

I shook my head adamantly. “It’s wrong. I don’t want to be the other woman. I’ve seen my dad go for the other woman, I can’t put his daughter through that,” I said. “Or his wife,” I quickly added.

Yes. It's wrong. And her moral dilemma lasts all of 5 seconds.What hurts about Vera is that she's no stranger to cheating. I wanted this book and Vera to address the morality issue, and it doesn't do it very well. Yeah, she reminds herself that he's married, she should stay away, but then Mateo makes her tinklies tingle so much that she can't really stay away for more than an hour. It goes that way throughout the book. It's wrong! I'm doing it anyway. I can't help myself. The internal moral deliberations are rare, indeed.

Vera's dad cheated on her mother. It turned Vera's childhood into a nightmare, it destroyed her family, it changed her personality, her life. Vera knows well the implications of adultery, and she does it anyway. Vera's boyfriend in high school cheated on her consistently. She knows how much pain that entails, to suffer while your loved one is cheating on you. She does it anyway.

If this book wanted me to sympathize with Vera, it would have done a better job of making me feel Vera's pain, hurt, her desperation to try to stay away from Mateo. The thing is, VERA NEVER TRIES REALLY HARD AT ALL. Neither does Mateo. Their relationship didn't feel like one of love, it's one based off lust, that stays focused on lust, and we're supposed to accept the fact that they're in love without much evidence.

The Other Woman (Mateo's Wife): I don't care if she's the biggest bitch in the world, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on until their divorce and separation has been finalized. We're supposed to hate The Wife because she tried to change Mateo from a playboy soccer diva to a decent husband.

"But Isabel convinced him to give it all up. To get away from the lifestyle she considered too wild.”
“Wild?”
She smirked. “Oh yes. Our players are known for being a little wild and crazy. Lots of sex and fights and drinking. Mateo was no different than the rest. And Isabel, with her Duchess grandmother and her socialite status, she didn’t want that."

*crickets chirp*

Wait a minute, so we're supposed to hate The Wife because she wanted Mateo to be something 90% of the world's wives want of their husband?! IS THAT SO FUCKING WRONG TO NOT WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO CHEAT ON YOU, TO DO DRUGS, TO PARTY, AND INSTEAD SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY? I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. I can't say that I hate The Wife at all, and in order for me to condone this affair, I should have some reason to hate the wife, to feel that Mateo is correct in seeking love elsewhere.

He doesn't.

This book has completely failed to convince me to support the adulterous affair of Vera and Mateo. No, thank you.

Actual rating: 3.5

Just sex. Am I never going to be anything more than somebody’s strategy, a destination marked off on a road map and then passed through for someplace better?

This book came as a surprise. I expected a light summer read, and I got a whole lot more than that. This is not a fluffy book. It's quite a bit darker and more serious than my anticipated YA Contemporary brain candy (because I freely admit that sometimes I just don't want to think). I have to admit it was rough going at times, because this book did frustrate me somewhat with its slow pacing.

I thought this would be the simple love story of a boy and a girl growing up and falling in love; it's not. It's about a boy and a girl, there's love and maturity, yes, but it's also about family and friends, morals, ethics, regrets, and possibilities. It deals with sexual promiscuity in a way that never slut shames, it deals with infidelity in a sensitive manner, in a way that I found acceptable...and I am by no means a fan of cheating. This is a book about parents, siblings, cousins, neighbors. It has a strong sense of setting and community.

This was not a light read, but it is a good book. I found the book frustrating at times, but overall, nothing in this book gave me a headache. The writing is solid, the characters were well-developed, the plot and pacing needs work.

The good:
1. A beautiful setting, a Northeastern seaside town, with a lot of class (local vs. tourist) conflicts. I have to admit my bias for the book because of the setting, I have a tremendous soft spot for the Northeastern US coast, and that's a huge reason for why I chose to read this book
2. A believable heroine, flawed, hurt, ashamed of herself, unsure of the future
3. No slut shaming, despite the heavy topic of the book, and a nice female friendship
4. An absolutely adorable love interest
5. A believable family dynamic, with a lot of serious family issues
6. Adults are present and active in the kids' lives. They are not relegated to the background

The frustrating:
1. The withholding of information: it got to be pretty frustrating at times. We know that something is bothering the main character, we have a sense of what it is, because of her shame, but it is so slowly revealed
2. The length: this book is far, far too long, without much of a plot in-between
3. The flashbacks: while they're crucial to the story, I felt they were often confusingly placed. I found myself rereading some parts, because I wasn't sure whether or not they were actual flashbacks
4. Too many subplots: they were well-written, but I felt like I was far too involved in the lives of these people, it feels like a silly complaint, but I want more simplicity than this

The Summary:

Heaven by the water.
Best-kept little secret in New England.
Tiny hidden jewel cradled by the rocky Connecticut coast.
Seashell Island, where I’ve lived all my life, is called all those things and more.
And all I want to do is leave it behind.

Guinevere (Gwen) Castle spends her summer slinging burgers for the rich locals and the tourists at the family restaurant. They are locals of Seashell Island, and they are far from rich. It's a tough life for the locals, there's almost no work outside of beach season, and there's a lot of resentment between the year-round inhabitants of Seashell and the rich tourists who "summers" there. There is no future for Gwen if she stays in Seashell, short of cleaning houses for the rich locals like her overworked mom.

To make it worse, Gwen can't get away from her mistake, from her reputation.

In another year, I’ll graduate. I can go someplace else. I can leave those boys—this whole past year—far behind in the rearview mirror.

It's the last summer before senior year, a year that'll make or break her chances of leaving the only life she's ever known. There's going to be changes, for one, Gwen's not going to be working at the family burger stand, she'll be "companion" to Mrs. Ellington, an elderly lady who's sweet, charming, with a penchant for dirty romance novels (I have a feeling that'll be me in 50 years).

“‘Then he took her, as a man can only take a woman he yearns for, pines for, throbs to possess,’” I read softly.
“Speak up, dear girl. I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”
Oh God. I’m nearly shouting the words now.

And then there's "José," the yard boy...or as she better knows him...Cassidy Somers, her Kryptonite.

The yard boy is everywhere on island, all summer long. Cass will haunt my summer the way he preoccupied my spring.

The "yard boy" isn't exactly a yard boy, he's a rich local, working at a summer job at his father's behest. Cassidy is someone Gwen knows, rather intimately, in every sense of the word. Gwen and Cass have a past; their current relationship is fraught with shame, distrust, and misunderstanding. This summer will force them together; they will have to confront what happened between them last spring, no matter how reluctant Gwen is to discuss it.

He jams his hands into the pockets of his suit, turns away from me. “Fine, Gwen. Gotcha. And you’ve got me figured out. Clue me in on this, then. Why do I bother with you? Why not just ram my head against a brick wall? It would be easier and less painful. Why are you so freaking—burned, that, that nothing I do counts! How come it’s so clear to you when some made-up fictional characters are massively stupid and you can’t see it at all when it’s you and me?”

It would be so easy if Cass and Gwen could have their Happily-Ever-After and leave it at that, but this is not just the story of a boy and a girl. There are family concerns, money is always an issue...and how to get more is always a question lurking in the back. It's always a battle between the Haves and the Have-Nots, here on Seashell Island.

“Just think about it, Guinevere, smart advice from your old man.” Dad takes the pole from me, securing the hook. “Embroider it on a pillow. Spray-paint it on your wall. Just never forget it: Don’t be a sucker. Screw them before they screw you.”

There is an beloved younger brother, not quite autistic, but not quite right either. One missed moment, and he will disappear to god knows where. There are questions about ethics, how far will you go to get money, how much can a person overlook? There is the story of a cousin and a best friend, meant to be, or are they? One final summer that will change them all.

What you’ve always had doesn’t mean that’s what you’ll always get. What you’ve always wanted isn’t what you’ll always want.

The Setting:

Maple trees arch and curl their branches over me, making the path a tunnel. The air smells earthy and tangy green. These woods have been the same for hundreds of years.

I've always been drawn to the Eastern seaboard setting, and this book gave me a much-needed fix of that small-town beachside atmosphere. The place is well-described, there's no question about that, but what makes the town feel alive is how well-drawn the tension feels between the wealthy residents and the local townies who work for them.

We get woods at our back and can only squint at the ocean; they get the full view of the sea—sand tumbling all the way out to the water—from their front windows, and big rambling green lawns in back. In the winter it’s like we year-rounders own the island, but every spring we have to give it back.

There is a huge socioeconomic gap between the wealthy and the poor on the island, and it's pretty obvious. The wealthy are sometimes condescending, not always, to the servicepeople running the island, providing the services for them. Most of the island's income comes from tourist season, but the rest of the year the locals (like Gwen's parents) have to pick up odd jobs to pay the bills. There is minor racial tension, played out into humor, like the lady who calls all her workers Josés and Marias, no matter if they're white or Mexican. Not all the wealthy are assholes, not all the poor are nice. There is a realistic portrayal of the island's inhabitants.

The Main Characters:

1. Gwen:

The realization is quick, sharp, and shattering like that bag striking the wall.
I’m not the only one who can get hurt here.
Who was hurt here.

A wholly sympathetic heroine. Hard-working, a good daughter, and a loving sister to her special-needs brother. Gwen is not perfect, she's got that type of reputation. She is not promiscuous, but she's made some regrettable mistakes in her life. I like the fact that while Gwen is ashamed of what she's done, she never slut shames herself, and she never slut shames others. We've all done things (and people) we have regretted later on, and I can definitely sympathize with Gwen.

I like that she has a sense of moral. She faces several moral dilemmas throughout the book, pressures from her father, and an employee. I felt like she handled them in a realistic manner, she is not a perfect character, and I loved that about her.

I liked her stubbornness, it frustrated me a bit at times, but it made her a realistic character, and I appreciated the fact that she eventually matured and realized her errors.

He was right. I should come with a YouTube instructional video. Or a complete boxed set. How the hell can I expect him to figure me out when I don’t even get myself? And worse, I’m a total hypocrite.

2. Cass:

"I can’t claim to know you”—he pauses, has the grace to turn red, then forges on—“but I know you don’t put up with crap. That made me sick.”

A complete gentleman...even if Gwen doesn't think so. The misunderstanding between Gwen and Cass overshadow the book; we know that Gwen both likes him/lusts after him while resenting him, but the reader never got a sense that Cass is anything but a great guy. He is wonderful with her brother, he gets upset, but only when Gwen drives him (and me) to the limits with her lack of communication, he puts up with Gwen's occasional BS, and he's not at all an asshole, despite being a privileged, wealthy townie. He's not afraid of hard work, he never feels like a girl in disguise, and I really, really loved Cass. He never criticizes Gwen for having a past, he never judges her for it. He's a patient guy, he's willing to wait, and we all need a Cass in our lives.

“It’s not about a jumbo box of condoms,” I say.
“Never was,” Cass says simply.
He slants his hand against my jaw, tips his mouth to mine.

Final comments: The pacing is slow, it really is. I feel like the book could be cut down by 100 pages without losing much relevance, because much of the book is about Cass and Gwen working together over the summer and getting reacquainted. While that's great, I could use less of that because I lost patience at some points. There are also a few small side plots, that of Mrs. Ellington and Gwen's cousin and best friend who have been together forever, Viv and Nic.

There is a lot going on in this book, but if you have the patience, I think you will find this book to be enjoyable. At the very least, nothing will give you a headache.

I've never read her books, but man, I'm tempted now :)

When the going gets rough, it's time to turn to manga! Allow me to pimp out one of my favorites series of all time.

The Wallflower has long been a favorite manga series of mine, it's got beautiful artwork, absolutely gorgeous men (HELLO REVERSE HAREM), a grumpy, evil, and seriously dark heroine (you can probably tell I like her), and surprisingly enough for a reverse harem...just the right amount of romance. It's fucking adorable. There is no love triangle, despite the reverse-harem premise.

**note: Manga is read right to left :)

The Summary: Four absolutely gorgeous young men have got the opportunity of a lifetime. They're going to get to live in a gorgeous mansion free, for three years...there's just one caveat: they have to turn the mansion owner's niece into a charming, lovely young women. It sounds pretty easy, after all, these guys are some seriously skilled guys. They're handsome, they're popular, they've got young women swooning at their feet. What could be easier?

Well, as they say...famous last words, because this is what they've got to work with.



Meet Sunako. Acne-scarred face. Greasy, unkempt hair. No sense of fashion. A love for the dark and supernatural (there's a skeleton in her room).

Needless to say, the guys are absolutely fucking horrified at their challenge.



Sunako's not exactly happy about sharing her home with these...creatures. THEY'RE SO FUCKING BRIGHT. THEY'RE SO HANDSOME. SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS. Sunako just wants to be left alone in her darkness with her skeletons. Handsome men? So what? Go away. Great. She can't even eat outside of her room now.



The guys are nice, well, most of them. There's Kyohei, Takenaga, Yuki, and Ranmaru. They're bent on charming Sunako...well, most of them. Some are more..blunt...than others.



Sunako's not happy about this, she doesn't want to be transformed, she even tries to run away...but the guys are unexpectedly kind, and she's neither as...murderous...



...nor completely talentless, as she seems. SHE CAN COOK. And, the apparently heartless Sunako is capable of an apology.

Sunako isn't ugly...she just needs some work. Actually, a lot of work and polishing. Underneath all the grime, she's fairly presentable. At times.



But does Sunako want to change? Why is she so resistant? It's an impossible task, but if anyone's up to it, it's these four.



And man, this book is worth reading to look at them alone ^_^

Sunako: Quite the opposite of the beautiful, charming, adorkable manga/anime heroine.



Sunako is dark. She is obsessed with death and murder. She loves horror movies like Friday the 13th, and spends her entire day watching them. She keeps anatomical figures in her room (and even has a coffin). She is anti-social, she is resistant to change, she just wants to be left the fuck alone.

Sunako wasn't always like this, she was once a normal person, wanting to be beautiful, wanting to be loved. Something happened in her past to make her change into this creature...and it's up to these four guys to bring her out of it. Sunako isn't purely apathetic, she is quite capable of defending herself when she needs to. She's skilled in martial arts, and she's not afraid to kick some ass to defend her friends.

Kyohei: The tough guy, the bluntest of them all. The rest of the guys are there to comfort and pamper Sunako to get her to snap out of it. Kyohei takes a different approach. He's not afraid to give it to her straight. He's not afraid to hurt her feelings, he tells Sunako she's being stupid when he sees it.



He understands her most, and he defends her most. Their relationship is a complex one. If anyone can bring Sunako out of her shell, Kyohei and his take-no-prisoners approach proves to be the most effective.

Takenaga: The sensitive ringleader, Takenaga Oda.



He is handsome, gentle, and kind. He is the most considerate of Sunako's feelings, and always seeks to be the peacemaker among them all. He especially tries to coordinate the peace within the household (as well as try to prevent Sunako and Kyohei from killing each other). He's the faithful counterpart to playboy Ranmaru, Oda is dating a beautiful girl (Naie/Noi depending on translation) who is as beautiful as she is kind. Oda is also there to comfort the childlike/overly sensitive Yuki when Sunako scares him so much that he starts crying.

Ranmaru: The playboy, the trickster, one who is willing to go to dirty lengths to get Sunako to listen to him ^_^



Yuki: The most androgynous of the four. He's the shortest, most child-like, and most prone to bursting into tears.



Overall: A beautifully-drawn, very well-written manga with interesting characters and an unusual heroine. A highly enjoyable play on the My Fair Lady trope.

And in case you guys needed any more enticement to read this:



Note: I do own the translated volumes of the manga. The scans from this review are taken from an online scanlation site.