Khanh the Killjoy

DNF @ 30% because I just don't have the patience to continue. This book is terrible.

I've given Eloisa James many a shot, and it seems that we're just not meant to be. For me, Eloisa James' HRs are like supermarket sushi.

- Every so often, I feel the urge to pick some up, but I never end up finishing what I get
- It somehow manages to fuck up a simple formula that requires few ingredients to be successful
- For some fucking reason, it will needlessly contain cheese

Here's why I hated what I've read of this book:

1. The writing is atrocious. Here are a few examples:

- "His gray eyes turned warm. And warm was dangerous because it made India feel warm too.""
...OH, YOU DON'T SAY

- "He looked rough and dangerous, like a man who would threaten to kill an evil master and mean it."
...I'm fainting with horror. Do stop.

- "He looked like a farm laborer.
Or a king."
...because it's so FUCKING DIFFICULT TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FARMER AND A KING IN 1800 ENGLAND?!

- "A cat couldn’t look at a king, after all, nor a bastard at a marquess’s daughter."
...A cat couldn't look at a king? WHUT?

- "He folded his arms across a chest that was far broader than it should have been."
...should have been? I'm sorry, how awkwardly proportioned is this man?

2. HER EYES. HER FUCKING EYES. Xenobia (called India) has amazing eyes. They have the ability to harden cocks.

- "Her eyes had turned squinty, which paradoxically just made her more attractive."
...I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA THAT SQUINTY EYES = SEXY

- "Something about those furious blue eyes was giving him an erection."
...Well, you're an easy one to please, aren't you?

- "Her eyes flashed again, and Thorn felt an answering throb in his cock."
...it's a wonder this fucker gets anything done, much less be a successful businessman, since it seems like the bloodflow in his brain is constantly relegated to his throbbing cock.

3. The main character is a Mary Sue. She's got hair that's "thick and hard to handle, as well as being an unusual color, more like silver than gold," her boobs are FAR too big, and she's got a tendency to put on weight mostly in her boobs (I weep tears for her, really). "She had her paternal grandmother’s bosom, and there was too much of that too." WAAAAAAAAAH. My boobs aren't fashionable, but men seem to fall all over to worship at my breasts, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Spare me.

All men fall in love with her. She's got at least 9 marriage proposals, despite being at the ripe old age of *gasp* 26. She is a tremendously successful interior designer, so NOBLEWOMAN GOING AGAINST THE TIMES AND IS TREMENDOUSLY LAUDED FOR IT, check. She not supposed to have a career, being a lady, but damned if she'll listen to the times, or the critics. Oh, wait, she doesn't have any critics, she's an orphan, she does what she fucking pleases.

She's got a fear of marriage? Why? HER PARENTS LOVED EACH OTHER TOO MUCH. Oh, cry me a fucking river.

4. The love interest is a patronizing douche. His name is Thorn. Short for Tobias. Like what the FUCK, man?! How the fuck do you get from Thorn to Tobias? Thorn wants to hire the MC to be his interior designer. She agrees. He changes his mind. Then he changes his mind again. And then he threatens to blackmail her when she refuses.

I have you in a corner, India. If you’re thinking that my father wouldn’t like it...you’re right. Not only would he not like it; he would destroy your reputation without a second thought.”

He thinks little of women, and is willing to marry Lala, a noblewoman who can barely read, because he wants a brainless woman to be his wife.

"A wife is an investment, like any other, and I take care of my possessions."

Thorn doesn't want a wife, he wants a pretty breeding mare. While on his courtship of the aforementioned Lala, Thorn continues his flirtation with his "three week wife," India. Because it's not cheating if he's not married yet.

Thorn is an asshat. He belittles India's name...

Dear Lady Xenobia,
I think I’ll call you Lady X. It has such an exotic sound to it; I feel as if I am writing to the madam of a prosperous brothel. (I’ve never done that before, in case you’re wondering.)
Thorn

Dear Mr. Dautry,
I am named after a queen who conquered all of Egypt, not after a brothel owner.
Lady Xenobia

He acts like a fucking 7-year old boy.

She took a deep breath and twisted all her hair around itself. Most of her hairpins seemed to be mysteriously missing.
“I pulled them out in the carriage,” Dautry said, watching her fruitlessly pat her head.
“Why on earth did you do that?”
“I was bored.”

And he shows no signs of winning me over anytime soon.

5. THE OLDEST 6-YEAR OLD IN THE FUCKING WORLD. Oh, here we go, insert orphan child trope here. In the book, somehow Thorne manages to get himself a 6-year old orphan child who speaks like...this.

“My father said that in the event of tribulation or strife, I was to be sent to you.” She stopped again.
“He did not fuss, and neither did I,” said Rose, and up went that little nose again. “I don’t like to be unclean, and I didn’t care for the insects living in the straw. But I did not complain.”
“Or cry. At least,” she added, “until I reached your house, when I succumbed to exhaustion.”

Give me fucking break. And the orphan's name? Rose, to go with her adopted daddy, Thorn. Isn't that nauseating?

6. LALALALLALALALLA. Lala is the daughter of a nobleman, her real name is Laeticia. She's supposed to be witless, she can't even read. We get to see her narrative, and it just seems that she's a very, very shy woman. Would someone without a brain in her head be capable of thinking and analyzing her situation like this?

“Better married to Mr. Dautry than never married at all.” Lala had been beset by suitors all season, but her father had rejected every one. She knew why: he had decided that her beauty was worth a huge settlement. In short, no one had bid high enough to pay off his debts.

Aaaaaaaand I'm just done -_-

That was a much longer hospital stay than I anticipated, and a much more disastrous one. My surgery was more difficult than the surgeon expected, so first they decided to keep me til Thursday, which sucked badly enough, considering I had been expecting to come home on Tuesday afternoon. To make it worse, while I was raising my bed so I could eat my food (delicious jello and chicken broth, -_-), my iPod charger, which I had tied to the bed so it wouldn't fall, ripped and broke. So I was internet-less all of yesterday. Which spurred my decision to beg and beg my surgeon to return home early.

Thankfully he agreed.

I came home to a lot of loving messages, and this...not so loving one. So random. I don't know where these people find me.

Went into surgery at 10 AM. It's almost 5:30 pm now and I'm alive but sore. 

This is a well-written YA mystery, but from the blurb, I expected more darkness and more excitement. I enjoyed it, but I found it lacking on the promised darkness and suspense.

The good:
1. A well-developed group of best friends, male and female
2. A realistic amount of romance
3. Psychologically complex characters
4. Great small-town atmosphere
5. A well-written love triangle based on friendship, and a light amount of romance
6. A male narrator who is neither an asshole, nor a girl in disguise. He has a crush on a girl, but he never sings odes of unrealistic poetry about the color of her eyes or her hair

The not-that-great
1. The mystery---from the premise, I expected more of a paranormal twist; this is more of a Monkey's Paw sort of premise. There is only one "strange" element in this book. If you read this, be warned that this is not much more than a well-written psychological mystery
2. The pacing: it is a slow book
3. It's still a love triangle
4. The binoculars: even when explained, it's a pretty flimsy premise that felt pieced together from bits and pieces of pseudo-science

The Summary:

“I saw my dad,” she said shakily. “In our house. There was blood everywhere.” Natalie stopped, breathed quickly, like she could barely suck in the air. “I think he was dead.”

It all started with their last trip into the Vermont woods. Riley and his friends are taking one last trip to their favorite part of the Vermont woods before winter---and the stress of senior year hits. With him are Natalie, Tannis, Trip, and Trip's girlfriend, Sarah. Sarah, whom Riley adores, unrequited. During a game of Truth or Dare, Sarah and Riley go into a cave...instead of sharing a secret, they find a box containing a pair of binoculars that are anything but ordinary. Instead of magnifying what's in front of them, they show Riley a vision...

There was someone beside me in that bed.
I watched my other self turn toward the rustling sheets that were twisting slowly as a girl rolled and pushed up on one arm, a glint of metal by her throat. Her skin was soft and silky down to her shoulder, where her body disappeared, bare, beneath the covers.
Sarah.

Riley is not alone, his friends see visions as well. They're not sure what the visions represent, or if they're, in fact, visions at all? Was it a mass hallucination? A psychotropic drug transplanted on the binoculars? Do the binoculars show visions of the future? Or is it something else?

“Maybe it was, like, our hidden thoughts,” I said, watching her reaction. “Our deepest wishes or worst fears or some thing.”

Whatever it is, not all the visions are as benign as Riley's. His friend Natalie sees her father's bloody death.

And it's a death that actually happens. Natalie's father is killed, and she is a suspect. Natalie's father is a troubled man, and all her friends know it. They can't help but think that maybe Natalie had something to do with it, and apparently, so do the police. And what is the binocular's role in all this?

“What if this is like that and somehow it changed Natalie?” I said, then added, “We have no idea what we’re dealing with.”

The Mystery: The premise of the binocular is more of a slightly-paranormal force that drives the plot along, rather than anything paranormal or malicious itself. The binoculars are psychological mindfuck, as the teenagers in this book try to determine the visions and what they mean. In that sense, it works quite well. Think about it, if you were to have a vision of yourself lying dead on the floor, what would you think? How would you try to change it? Would you try to change your life while thinking that it's a vision of the future? Would you try to change the paths that would remove you furthest from that future? Or would you do nothing, thinking that it's your mind playing tricks on you?

In that sense, it works well, but for me, I guess I wanted more than that. I wanted more meaning, I wanted more darkness, I wanted to be scared and thrilled. This book did neither for me.

The Setting:

It was one of the things I hated about Buford. Everyone knew too much about everyone else.

Small-town Vermont. A dead-end town. Growing up in Buford, Vermont, you have two choices. Get the fuck out, or have no future. It's not a big industrial town, it is a small town of 1200, that depends on the winter and the skiing tourists. Like any backwaters location, there is a drug problem. The police force isn't that great. You will likely have known your classmates since kindergarten.

The townspeople each have distinct, authentic character, however little they appear in the book. From the relaxed police officer...

Some guys probably were excited by the idea of “real” police work, but Bob wouldn’t be one of them. He had a little girl and a pretty wife and seemed content to shoot the shit with the townies and write the occasional parking ticket.

...to the wonderful AP Physics teacher who instills passion in learning despite his four-person class.

The Characters: I really loved the teenagers in this book, they each had complex psychological profiles, and I didn't feel like they were tropes at all. From Natalie, the champion skiier with a trailer trash family she wants to protect, to car-loving tough-girl Tannis, with an unexpected amount of passion and reason for her steely exterior.

"I’ve watched how it is for my mom, stuck in the house—every minute she’s not working, that is—washing and cleaning and cooking and then washing and cleaning and cooking again. She’s been doing it for twenty years, and my mom’s awesome, but she’s never done any of the stuff she wanted. Live in a city, fly on an airplane, do a job where she gets to wear a suit. Kids are a straight-up dead-end boring job, and it is definitely not for me.”

Outside of the five best friends, there are other side characters who are sympathetic, too. The adults are well-portrayed. They're not flawless, they're not dumb; they are humans who make mistakes, and they are people who have lives outside of their children.

The Romance: There is a love triangle in the book, and it didn't bother me that much. What made the romance bearable is the lightness of it, and the fact that the people involved are friends, first and foremost. They've known each other since they were twelve. Riley wanted to date Sarah...but his friend, Trip, got to her first. Imagine about to tell your best friend that you're about to ask a girl out, only to have your best friend tell you that he's asking the same girl out. Riley played the bigger man, he let Trip date Sarah without ever confessing his feelings...

And the rest, as they say, is history. Trip went with her, I stayed home, and from then on I got to watch the two of them—my sometimes best friend and the girl I’d been crushing on—fall in love. Un-fucking-believable.

There's the friendship. Sarah and Riley are friends, they talk to each other, they have their close moments, but it takes awhile for their relationship to develop into romantic potential. And when they do, there's so much guilt involved that I can't hate them at all.

“Oh God, Sarah.” I pulled back, away from her. I kid you not, it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. “I can’t. God knows I want to.”

Overall: A solid book, with great characters and good writing. The plot is slow, and the paranormal element very light and somewhat unbelievable. Recommended, with reservations.

Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley subject to change in the final published edition.

There are certain lines that you do not cross, and coveting your beloved sister's ex-boyfriend is one of them. That's why this book made me gag a little.

This book was purposeless. There was no ending. There was no romance. There was no character growth (and the main character was pretty dumb to begin with). I don't usually read contempory YA novels, but when I do, I have certain expectations. I want sweetness, I want a character that matures, and I want some really cute romance. Yeah. Me. Wanting a cute romance. It happens!

That was what I wanted out of this book. I don't think it's too much to ask. I didn't get much of anything, so really, it felt like I read this book for no reason at all. I am left completely unsatisfied. Why did I waste my time?

In short:

1. There is no ending!!!!!!! If you want a definite conclusion or an HEA, get the heck away from this book.

2. The main character (Lara Jean) is silly, childish, and privileged in a sheltered upper-middle-class kind of way. She never really matured.

3. There was no true romance. There is a halfhearted love triangle. The romance is a literal "contract," a pretend one to make an ex-girlfriend and a former crush jealous. They are friends, nothing more.

4. The main character has long since been crushing on her big sister's ex-boyfriend. Excuse me while I throw up my recently ingested dinner.

5. There is almost no female friendship in the book. Lara Jean has a best friend (Chris) who is an outrageous, loud slut, and they so rarely talk and that their relationship feels pointless and artificial.

The Plot:

"[Josh] is into you.”
I freeze. “No, he isn’t. He loves my sister. He always has and he always will.”

Lara Jean has been in love with Josh for a long time. They've grown up alongside each other for the past five years; her dad and sisters all adore Josh. There's just one problem with her little crush: Josh is dating her older sister, Margot. Margot is about to leave for college, so she decides to do the decent thing and break up with him. Josh is left brokenhearted. Lara Jean sees him crying. She thinks...

If you were mine, I would never have broken up with you, not in a million years.

Lara Jean is a romantic. She has had a few crushes in her life, and she has written love letters to all of them. There has been five.

And now there's a problem: someone has sent all her crushes the love letters that she wrote them (if you can't guess who it is, we seriously need to have a talk). This is problematic...because Lara Jean wrote a letter to Josh. And Peter.

This is a nightmare. Peter Kavinsky is holding my letter in his hand. It’s my handwriting, my envelope, my everything. “How—how did you get that?”
“It came in the mail yesterday.” Peter sighs.

To a teenaged girl, to any girl or woman, really, this is truly a mortifying experience, having your crushes find out is just an unimaginable humiliation. When Josh finds out, Lara Jean has no choice but to save face. She pretends to be dating one of her letter recipients, Peter. It turns out that Peter is in need of a little distraction himself.

“Let’s just do this for a little while.”
“Do what?”
“Let’s let people think we’re a couple.”
Wait...what?

Peter has recently been dumped by his girlfriend, Genevieve. He wants to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, Lara Jean needs to pretend that Josh means nothing to her. They enter into a dating contract. But then Lara Jean finds himself liking Peter...but is Peter truly over his ex-gf? And what happens when Josh realizes that he might have feelings for her after all?

“Ever since I got your letter...I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

Lara Jean: Inoffensive, silly, stupid at times, and incredibly boring. Lara Jean reminds me of some of my baby sister's friends. She is so starry-eyed with innocence that I just wanted to slap some reality into her. She is stupid at times, she runs a stop sign, she takes some stupid risks involving her own baby sister and a car seat, she would probably buy the London Bridge from you if you offered it to her.

I have a sudden revelation. I lower my voice and say, “Wait...can you read?”
He bursts out laughing. “Yes, I can read! Geez, Lara Jean.” He snorts. “Can I read? I’ve written you multiple notes! You’re hilarious.”

She never really matured throughout the novel. Her maturity at the end of the book equates to "I can order pizza for my dad and sister while my older sister is out of the country now!" She has the sort of wide-eyed innocence that makes me think, "Child, the real world is going to chew you up and spit you out one day." I want a certain toughness in my main characters, not a starry-eyed fluff of an overprotected, privileged upper-middle-class girl. Her definition of maturity includes admitting to her mistakes...

I brighten up and then I remember how Margot said I’m in charge now. I’m pretty sure taking responsibility for one’s mistakes is part of being in charge.

Lara Jean feels like a 13-year old.

Your sister's EX, REALLY?!: I don't know about you, but I find the thought of dating my sister's ex pretty fucking nauseating, and I'm willing to bet that my sister feels the same way about my ex-boyfriend. Let's get one thing straight, if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, there's going to be some touching involved. You're going to go beyond first base.

The last thing I need when I'm kissing a guy is thinking about my sister kissing the same pair of lips. The last thing I need when I'm *ahem* a guy is knowing my sister has probably done the same thing to him. The last thing I need when I'm sleeping with a guy is to be thinking "Has my sister been in this bed? Under these same sheet?"

Gross. Gross. GROSS. No, thank you.

To top it off, do you really want to be dating a guy who was thinking about you when he was dating your sister? What does that say about his behaviors, his morality? What does that say about his character. Is he going to do the same thing to your OTHER sister 10 years down the road? (Lara Jean has two sisters) Do you really want your sister's leftover? Do you really want to date him knowing that he's had sex with your sister? Why would you even consider that? What kind of a sister would you be? I don't care if your sister broke up with HIM. It's still a betrayal of the worst sort.

Female Friendship: When I read a contemporary novel, one of the things I look forward to is a realistic, true portrayal of female friendship. Instead, I have this:

I wish I’d made more friends. If I had more friends, maybe I wouldn’t have done something as stupid as kiss Peter K. in the hallway and tell Josh he’s my boyfriend.

What Romance?: There really is no romance in this book. There is barely anything but Lara Jean mooning and daydreaming that she and Josh were Meant To Be, if only he could see it. Her fake relationship with Peter....petered out. Lara Jean may find herself liking Peter more and more every day, but there's the fact that Peter is not over his ex-girlfriend.

He doesn’t know it, but when Peter talks about Genevieve, he gets a certain softness in his face. It’s tenderness mixed with impatience. And something else. Love. Peter can protest all he wants, but I know he still loves her.

Lara Jean is supposed to be developing a true relationship with Peter, but how can she, when it's clear that Peter has a tremendous amount of emotional baggage.

Peter shakes his head. “What Gen and I have is completely separate from you and me,” he says.

I was truly disappointed in this book. I wanted a sweet romance. I wanted to be swept away. I didn't get anything, and the ending left me reeling with disappointment because, while it was not a cliffhanger, nothing ever got resolved.

DNF @ 20%

To give you an impression of how much I hated this book, I will read the Halo trilogy in its entirety several times over rather than finish this. There was nothing good about this book, and there is so much that is bad that I can write an entire fucking rant review based on the little that I've read.

To sum it up (details further down):

1. The writing is atrocious

2. It has every romantic trope in the book

3. The main character is fucking dumb and judgmental

4. The angels are fucking dumb

5. The demons are fucking dumb

The Summary:

This class is way over my head. Half an hour of this and I swear my notes were penned by a retarded monkey who is just as confused as I am.

Sophia St. James has delusions of going to Stanford one day. She's not only stupid, she's judgmental, offensive, and can't keep her fucking mouth shut.

“What kind of obtuse podunk outfit is this anyway? Supersized, narcissistic Rent-a-Cop!” I sit back and realize the cop has returned to my window. Aw crap.

Sophia has just moved from California to Connecticut, where they speak with weird accents, and words like "asshole" is pronounced "eh-hole."

His voice is rich with a funny eastern accent, which under lighter circumstances I would find amusing.

Hint: Eastern people don't really have accents. Newly arrived in Connecticut, she not only gets into trouble with the law, but she witnesses a strange guy hovering over a scene of a car accident. Cue insta-love. Sophia feels a "second heartbeat."

His head is now turning slowly, methodically, and he is looking at me as though I’m one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

He looks at HER with concern!

His concern for me is palpable, like a hand caressing my cheek.

She looks at HIM with concern!

He could feel her concern for him radiating like a lighthouse.

He vanishes!

It turns out that Mysterious Boy is Michael, named after the Archangel. He's only a Guardian Angel himself; he lives with his "brothers," Raphael, and Gabriel. They're all extraordinarily handsome, and they are so well-disguised (not). Way to stay the fuck under the radar. He is incapable of love! He shouldn't love! It is beyond his capacity for a heavenly being...but Michael can't help it! For the first time...he feels...EMOTIONS for the sexy Sophia.

No, not just hot but sexy as hell and— Wait, what?
Sexy? Where in the hell did that come from?

But Michael is not alone in his desire for Seductive Sophia. There is a Demon Knight in Hell, and he wants her, too. Specifically, her soul, because why?

He had been tracking his lost lover’s soul and found it in Sophia.

So Dante has to go to HUGE GREAT DESPERATE STEPS in order to come back to Earth and win over her soul. He's not alone, his cohorts, Vaughn, Santiago and Wolfgangare coming with him to Earth. THEY MUST GET SOPHIA'S SOUL.

But first, they have to worry about what to wear. Vaughn, well...

So his wardrobe was chosen with care: black jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt buttoned at the throat. And for good measure, he wore a long black duster, a favorite from the old days.

Santiago's a little more down-to-earth. So to speak.

He opted for black skinny jeans with multicolored Converse high tops and a black T-shirt that said, I DIED FOR AN IRON MAIDEN.

Wolfgang...

He wore black jeans rolled at the cuffs, black combat boots, and a tight black T-shirt over his beefy chest. His hair had been cut shoulder length and gathered at the back of his head with a leather, noose-like strap.

Finally, Dante! He's got to look sharp for his long-lost lover.

Dante changed clothes three times before settling on black designer jeans and a charcoal mock turtleneck. After all, this was a special occasion. He should look nice and sophisticated but not like he was trying too hard.

*chokes with laughter*

AND FINALLY, NOW THAT THEY'RE ALL DRESSED, THEY CAN FINALLY LEAVE FOR THEIR MISSION.

“Now we go to America!” Dante announced the command he had been waiting years to say.

Or not.

Dante clenched his teeth. “Fine! To Italy. And then to Connecticut without another delay.”

Now do you see why I'm DNFing this book?

The Writing:

He seems disjointed from the others like a curious bystander.

Teeeeeeeeeeerrible. Littered with some mind-blogging metaphors...

- "Controlling Wolfgang’s demon was impossible, like taming a lion with a wet noodle."

- "That’s when it hits: a painful explosion in my chest like I had dynamite for dinner and it’s just now digesting."

- "I can already imagine my evening camped out on the couch, an array of books scattered about like a litter of teething puppies."

- The scar in my eyebrow? A sleeping caterpillar. I’ve checked it continuously for two weeks hoping one day it will turn butterfly and flit away.

Factual errors: Eastern accents are barely detectable, if at all. Los Angeles High school does not have a junior class size of 250. Try twice that. A person who can't breathe does not actually turn blue. They only have a blueish tinge to their face.

He was blue!”
“As a Smurf!”

Spelling errors: Coco Chanel is the name of the woman who started the brand, it's not the brand itself. Furthermore, it's spelled Chanel, not Channel. A psychiatric ward is shortened to a "psych ward," not a "psyche ward".

Terrible dialogues: From outrageously absurd characters:

- “She’s their cousin. Hashtag—most fun person in the world!"

- "What’s up, teacup?"

- “Holy horndogs, Batman. I got Jordan. I’ll be sure to Brinks secure my thong.”

Sophia: The main character is fucking dumb. She wants to go to Stanford when she goes to college. I'm sorry to tell her she doesn't have a special snowflake's chance in the deepest pits of hell. She is a pastor's daughter who doesn't see the significance between all the supernatural shit she's been seeing and the fact that there are three angelically beautiful young brothers in her town with the names of Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael. She cries at the drop of a hat. She is nasty, mentally calling people names, like a "Rent-a-Cop" with a "McBelly."

She was abused by an ex-boyfriend. It doesn't feel real, and I am the first person in the world to hop onto the victim-defending wagon. Her abuse feels superficial. The mental scars do not feel real. She only brings it up from time to time when she remembers it. There was no point to the inclusion of the abuse, and I found it offensive to victims of true abuse.

The Angels: Fucking dumb. Heaven can't see fit to give them a collective brain, much less three. They are so well-hidden that they can't think to disguise themselves under any other names but the three most famous motherfucking Angels in the Bible. Way to stay under the motherfucking radar. They can't hide how gloriously handsome they are? They're so fucking stupid that they can't save a guy who's choking on a piece of food.

I look and see Casey James laughing at his own joke. A moment later he stops, and his mouth opens and closes like a fish. His eyes gradually bulge in panic. Before I can think the words, He’s choking, Michael is there, wrapping his arms around Casey’s waist and hauling him out of the chair.

Three motherfucking Guardian Angels can't save a guy who's choking. What the fuck kind of incompetency is this? Casey James died. And the motherfucking angels are so fucking good at staying under the motherfucking radar that they bring the dead guy back to life in front of the entire fucking school.

“But he was dead!” I whisper. “And Raph didn’t do CPR!” We stop at my locker and I throw my books inside.
“Well, he must have done something, right? I mean, Casey choked to death.”
“But...Raph didn’t. You saw that he didn’t, right?”

The Romance: It has every romantic trope in the book, including a love triangle between a Guardian Angel and a Demon Knight. There is insta-love between the MC and the Angel. There is a hint of reincarnated soul mates between the MC and the Demon.

And I'm just done with this.

So far, there's insta-love, there are angelic agents who are trying to stay under the radar (and doing so by being ridiculously beautiful and having the names Raphael, Gabriel, and Michael). From what I can tell, there's going to be a love triangle with a demon, the heroine bursts into tears if you look at her wrong. No good can come of this.

I may DNF very soon.

**Spoilers for book 2, minor spoilers for book 3**

“Say you love me, vampire girl,” he whispered, his voice low and husky. “Tell me...that this is forever.”
“I love you,” I said immediately. “And if we have forever, there’s no one else I want to spend it with.”

That sad, sad moment when your favorite YA vampire series turns into a soap opera.

This book broke my heart in a way that hasn't happened since Ginny x Harry. I absolutely loved the previous books in this series, despite the main character's (Allie) tendency to be extremely emo and Harry-Potter-Order-of-the-Phoenix angsty. In previous books, I made excuses for her emotions, her feels, her constant need to hang onto her humanity in the face of her darker nature of the vampiric beast within in the hopes that she will eventually mature and embrace her darkness. I gave Allie credit for her weakness throughout this series, in the hopes that finally she will grow the fuck up and get her priorities straight.

It didn't happen. Quite the opposite.

Allie is more whiny than ever. Zeke is an emo pussy beyond redemption. The only saving grace to this book was the glorious motherfucker that is Jackal (LET ME LOVE YOU). Let me tell you how much I love Jackal. I don't just love him. I want to marry him. I want to grovel at his feet. I want to get down on my knees and worship him. I want to get down on my knees, and, well, let's not go into explicit details, now. ANYWAY. *ahem*

I alternated between pain and pleasure in this book. Pain because of Allie. Pleasure whenever Jackal opened his mouth to rip Allie a new one.

What hurts about this book is that Kagawa KNEW that Allie and Zeke are weak characters. She deliberately wrote her that way, because everything Jackal said about Allie rings so true. Jackal is Allie's biggest critic, and he absolutely confronted Allie on all her emotional lovey dovey bullshit.

“Puppy, I am getting so tired of listening to you whine about this,” he snarled at Zeke. “This isn’t rocket science. If you don’t want to be a monster, don’t be a bloody monster! Be an uptight stick in the mud like Kanin. Be a self-righteous bleeding heart like Allison. Or you can stop agonizing about it and be a fucking monster."

See? Jackal represented the POV that I feel a lot of readers can understand. Kagawa made Allie to be a weak character, an unreasonable one, a stubborn one, and while I respect her choice as the writer to create her character in this way, I cannot love Allie knowing her incredible faults.

The Plot: Zeke is dead. Or he's supposed to be. Allie is trying not to think about him. Allie, Jackal, and Kanin are on their way through the devastation that is the US trying to track down the brilliant genius, Sarren, who seeks to kill every living and undead creature left in the world.

Here's essentially how the book goes:

Allie: I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT ZEKE *breaks down into tears 5 minutes later* I WILL BE A BIG BAD ASS KILLER AND AVENGE MY LOVER'S DEATH. *breaks down again*
Jackal: LOL YOU ARE SO DUMB, FACE YOUR NATURE. BE LIKE ME! RAAAAWR!
Allie: SHUT UP. You are SUCH a jerk.
Jackal: And you want rainbows and unicorns and flowers, face the fucking truth.
Kanin: Children, stop that. We are trying to save the world.
Jackal: NEENER NEENER NEENER. Omg stop crying. Want some cheese to go with your whine, sister?
Allie: I swear to god if I hear another word out of you, I will take your balls and shove them so far up your anal sphinc...
Kanin: CHILDREN, PLEASE. We're under attack by an army of rabids!
Jackal and Allie: *DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE RABIDS*
Kanin: The most important thing to do now is to be smart. Stay together...
Allie: Ok, daddy. OOH, SARREN! *runs away*
Kanin: *facepalms*
Allie: OMG ZEKE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
Zeke: Allie: THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE BUT WHO CARES Zeke: *stabs Allie*
Allie: ?_? D:
Zeke: >:D DIE BITCH! SARREN TURNED ME AND I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!! I AM EVIL NOW! I WILL SING THE EVIL SONG! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS!
Allie: ;_; But I love you. I WILL KILL YOU. OR KISS YOU. The words are right next to each other on the keyboard.
Zeke: I AM SAVED BY YOUR LOVE.
Kanin: What the heck? ?_?
Jackal: You can't be fucking serious
Allie: Zeke: Kanin: That's pretty cute, kids. I'm so happy that you're back together, but really, we're trying to find Sarren here, can we focus on the mission?
Jackal: For fuck's sakes, get your fucking priorities straight.
Allie: Zeke: ;_; I'm a demon now. I'M A MONSTER. I HATE MYSELF.
Allie: Kanin: We're trying to save the world here. Children?
Jackal: GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF, ZEKE AND ALLIE. WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING BATTLE. THERE ARE CORPSES ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.
Allie: Blood is red, and red is the official color of Valentine's Day, so it just makes the situation more romantic, you asshole. Go away so Zeke and I can love each other.
Kanin: Children? Children? Are you even listening to me?
Zeke: I'm evil ;_;
Allie: No, you're not, honeypie baby booboo
Zeke: I'm evil ;_;
Allie: No, you're not, sugarpunkins
Zeke: I'm evil ;_;
Allie: No, you're not, sweetsugarlips
Zeke: Kill me.
Allie: I'll kiss you instead, does that work?
Zeke: Yes :D But I'm evil ;_;
Jackal: ...
Kanin: I molest bunnies. I kill kittens. An UFO has abducted me. IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME ANYMORE?
Allie and Zeke: *stares into each other's eyes* Yes, daddy.
Jackal: *STABBY STABBY STABBY*
Kanin: Ok, the important thing is to stay together. No heroics. We do this as a team.
Allie: *sees Sarren* DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE MOTHERFUCKER
Kanin: Why do I even bother?

Meanwhile:
Sarren: MWAHAHAHAHA. I will destroy the world. I WILL KILL EVERYONE!
Sarren: After I make this long-ass speech about how much they suck compared to my evil genius.



Allie:

“Two lives for the rest of the world?” he continued. “Are you willing to sacrifice everything to save one and destroy another?”

Allie needs to get her fucking priorities straight. I remained angry at Allie throughout the book because she was such an immature, madly romantic, wildly emotional and angsty character. She has her eyes on the prize: the prize being Zeke. The rest of the world? The fate of the world? Fuck them. All she cares about is Zeke.

Let's focus on one scene specifically. Allie has found out that Zeke has been turned by Sarren into a vampire. Zeke is now evil, he retains little memories of her. Allie wants to go back for Zeke. It is a bad decision to make, and Kanin wants to get the facts straight before Allie makes her choice.

“I want you to understand exactly what you are deciding, right now. If we return to the city for Jackal and Ezekiel, Sarren could reach Eden, complete whatever he is planning, and unleash a virus that could destroy everything. And if that happens, everything we’ve done here will be for nothing. Do you understand that?”

It's pretty fucking clear. If Allie goes back, she risks endangering everything they've been fighting for. They are the last people who stand a chance at stopping Sarren. Without them, there is no hope. The fate of vampires and that of the surviving human rests on them. If they fail, the results are disastrous.

“I just want you to understand the potential consequences of tonight,” he went on. “If we are killed, if we cannot get to Sarren in time, everything could die. It will be like it was sixty years ago. You aren’t old enough to remember the days Before, but when Red Lung was at its peak, the entire world was madness and chaos. And when the rabids appeared, it became hell on earth.”

Kanin makes it perfectly clear. It's up to them.

“It is...a very heavy weight to carry, Allison, the damnation of a world. I want you to be very certain, before we go any further. Is it worth it? Is he worth it?”

And Allie's choice?

I already knew my answer. It was selfish, it was unreasonable, and I knew it was the wrong choice. But I looked up at Kanin, into his impassive face, and whispered, “Yes.”
“You are willing to let others die for this. To let Sarren win.”

I am fucking DONE with Allie.

Zeke: Excuse me while I get out the world's smallest violin for Zeke.

*Khanh starts playing while Zeke sings his song of emo*

“I’m a demon, and the sooner I take myself out of this world, the better.”

“I only have to understand one thing—I’m a demon. I may not have wanted it, but it’s what I am now.”

“This is what I am, Allison! I’m a demon—you know it as well as me.”

“I’m terrified that I won’t be able to fight this, that I’ll turn into a demon and lose my soul forever, if it’s not already gone."

*While Zeke was crying, Khanh slowly switched her instrument to a cello. Khanh stops playing and bashes Zeke on the head with it*

Jackal: I wanted to pump my fist in triumph every time Jackal spoke. His is the voice of destructive reason, and my god, I love him so much I could die. He gives it to Allie straight every time she's in one of her fluffy frilly lovey dovey self-pitying moods. When Allie and Zeke are having one of their Loving Moments in the middle of a fucking battlefield...

“Still incredible, vampire girl,” he whispered, sounding almost like himself again. “Dangerous, beautiful and unstoppable. You haven’t changed.”

Jackal interrupts them to tell them to get their heads out of their asses and get back into the fucking moment.

“Oh, isn’t that sweet,” came Jackal’s loud, mocking voice before I could reply. “Let’s make goo-goo eyes at each other in the middle of a stinking corpse field, how very romantic.”

I felt like Jackal was saying everything I was thinking. Every time Zeke or Allie have one of their nauseatingly self-pitying moments, Jackal is there to mock them to their face.

“Aw, isn’t that sweet.” And Jackal sauntered into view, smirk firmly in place. “But don’t wait around on my account. It’s not like I can’t wait for yet another riveting night of listening to you people whine at each other. Oh, woe is me, I’m a vampire. I’m a horrible monster who eats babies and murders bunnies, boo hoo hoo.”

I would be ever so happy if Jackal had his own spinoff.

“Typical.” He snorted. “Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought,Finally, she’s realized she’s a vampire. Now we’re getting somewhere. But now you’re just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth.”

“Shut up, Jackal!”

“If you two do not stop,” Kanin said without turning around, “I am going to find another road to Eden without you. James, it has been two days. Let it go.”

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Marry me, Jackal.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not proud of it. Even though you didn’t have that damn necklace on, as far as I knew, you were still with Del. And I’m not big on making out with another guy’s girlfriend."

The apocalypse has arrived, and the signs started with Khanh liking a bad-boy love interest within an Armentrout novel.

I've read a lot of Armentrout books, and I have to say that this was my favorite in her repertoire. It was not amazing, but like all Armentrout works, it is immensely readable, and unlike most Armentrout works, it didn't give me a pounding headache. I have always loved the amnesia trope, and this book did the trick.

More details later, but in short, here's the good and the sort-of-bad. Honestly, there wasn't anything truly atrocious about this book.

There were a few moments that made me cringe. Specifically, they were the moments when Sam felt like she had to get physical with her boyfriend in order to be a good girlfriend. I didn't like the intonation that it was the girl's fault if she could not get into the attraction, that is was her duty to be sexually fulfilling in order to have a functional relationship. Thankfully, that only happened twice in the book.

The good:
1. A non-bitchy heroine for a change
2. A bad-boy love interest who turns out to be likeable, even by Khanh standards
3. No Mary Sue syndrome
4. There's an actual FAMILY, they have family interactions! The MC is not an orphan!

The (sorta) bad:
1. The MC is Too-Stupid-To-Live at times, and too meek in others; she trusts too easily
2. The plot was extremely predictable: I guessed the whodunnit within the first 20% of the book
3. The "amnesia" excuse was believed by everyone, which is a far stretch to me
4. There was no subtlety: there are extremely obvious and caricaturized Mean Girls. The bad guys all but wore "VILLAIN" signs around their necks. The hints and clues were so loud a 5-year old could have guessed
5. Extremely shallow female friends

The bad:
1. The forced physicality between Sam and her boyfriend

The Summary:

“She thinks I did it?” My voice was small, hoarse. “She thinks I did something to Cassie?”

A girl wanders the streets, battered and bruised. She doesn't know where she is, she doesn't know who she is.

It turns out that she is Samantha Jo Franco, and her life appears to be pretty fucking sweet on the surface. She's got loving parents, a twin brother, not to mention the fact that her family is immensely wealthy.

We drove past them...in our Bentley.
Quickly, I learned that they were rich. Sickeningly rich. It was funny how I didn’t remember squat, but I knew what money looked like.

She lives in a house that makes a mansion look like an apartment. Samantha is good-looking. She's got a loving steady boyfriend. She's headed to Yale next year. So what could be wrong?

“Cassie Winchester is your best friend. She disappeared with you.”

Oh, there's that little matter. Not only has Samantha's memories disappeared, but so has her best friend, Cassie. And the trouble doesn't end there...you see, Samantha---the old Samantha...was a huge bitch.

“You were a terror to everyone who knew you."

It turns out that there is a Mean Girl clique at her school, and Samantha was the queen bee. She ran a campaign of terror, lording it all over her classmates. Everyone in school hated her, with good reason.

“Just a couple weeks ago, you called her”—she lowered her voice—“a fat bitch whose thighs were capable of setting the world on fire."

To make it worse, someone's leaving her strange notes.

Drawing in a shallow breath, I unfolded the slip of paper.

There was blood on the rocks. Her blood. Your blood.

And she's having hallucinations of Cassie...if that's what it is.

There's a whole lot of adjustment to be made. Sam's got to come to terms with who she was, and who she is now. She has to determine who's her friends, and who's her enemy. She has to sort out her feelings between her childhood friend Carson, the son of "the help," and her handsome, blue-blooded boyfriend Del. There are relationships to be rebuilt between her family and her twin brother Scott, and she's going to have to rebuild some broken friendships.

And try not to get herself killed in the process of remembering what happened the night Cassie disappeared. Who killed Cassie? There are no shortage of suspects.

“There’s a huge list of people who were angry with her, but to kill her? I don’t think so.”
He cursed under his breath as he faced me. “There are at least a hundred kids at school who probably fantasized about pushing her in front of a bus a time or two.”

And one of them may be Cassie herself.

"Right now, if it turns out that she was murdered, you’re their number one suspect.”

Samantha:

“You’re not an idiot, Sam.”
Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. Maybe I wasn’t stupid, but I’d been incredibly naive.

I actually liked Sam a lot. I found her switch from bitchy before-Sam to completely passive after-Sam to be a bit of a stretch, but she is the first Armentrout main character who didn't make me want to strangle her. Sam is really nice, but also incredibly meek at times. Due to her amnesia, she is incredibly innocent, and she asks a lot of questions, which is reasonable, but also frustrating at times.

“Jeez, this is like talking to a toddler.”

She is pretty smart, she has some common sense. When Sam receives mysterious notes, she knows she needs to keep them as evidence, despite her brother's protestations to the contrary.

But she can be, as she said, "incredibly naive." Sam didn't realize that she was a suspect in Cassie's disappearance. That's just really unbelievable.

“The big deal is that you were most likely the last person who saw Cassie—you were probably with her when...when whatever happened to her occurred.”
“I know! And that’s why I need to talk to the police.”
“No. That’s why you can’t talk to the police!”

She trusts people too easily. Sam doesn't have her memories, she doesn't know who she can and can't trust, and yet she seems to intuitively feel who she can trust---and she turns out to be right, without much credibility on the reader's part.

And to top it off, she sometimes acts foolishly. Sam returns to the possible scene of the crime alone. She runs off to be by herself, leaving her family to worry. But she is never outrageously stupid, and I liked her as a main character. I feel like she grew up along the way, I feel that she became self-aware. She eventually becomes strong, but never a bitch.

The Credibility: My main fault with this book is the credibility. I don't mean the amnesia premise, I mean that everyone buys into it so quickly. Before-Sam was a bitch. Why did everyone all of a sudden believe that she has amnesia? Because before-Sam was a manipulative bitch, wouldn't it be so much easier for everyone to think that she had been lying all along? Everyone seems to buy the amnesia premise without much convincing, and I found that hard to believe.

No Subtlety: The mystery was extremely obvious to anyone reading this book. The bad guys says things too quickly, too brightly, they smile too falsely, too easily. Sam has a knee-jerk reaction to them. I liked this book, but I like more depth to my investigative mysteries, and I found this book to be rather shallow.

The Mean Girls: Sam's friends are horrible people. Almost all the females in this book are bitches. They're beautiful and manipulative. They're petty. They're shallow. They're absurdly snobby. They're outrageously racist.

“Look, Pham or Long Duck, whatever your name is, turn around."

The Mean Girls clique is one element of Armentrout's book I could do without.

The Romance: There is a love triangle in the book, and it is so half-hearted that I can't even be bothered to complain about it. What surprised me was my "like" (not love, like) for the bad-boy-motorcycle-riding love interest. It started off badly enough, as the newly-amnesiac Sam falls into insta-love for an asshole who hates her.

“Is that my boyfriend?” I whispered, hopeful and scared all at once.
He was happy to see me, but … but then his eyes hardened into chips of ice.
“Boyfriend? Yeah,” he said slowly, voice deep and smooth. “Not even if you paid my tuition to Penn State next year.”

And he also rides a motorcycle. Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare me, please.

But as it turned out, he's...kind of a nice guy. For one, he doesn't want to be a cheater.

“I don’t like Del,” he admitted, staring straight into my eyes. “He’s a dick, and you’ve always deserved better than him, but I’m not that kind of guy. At least, I’m trying to not be with you.”

Sam has a boyfriend, Del. She's not attracted to Del, she's attracted to Carson. Technically, she's cheating on Del mentally. But the thing is, Sam realizes that cheating is not right.

I needed to figure out how I felt about Del if there was any hope for us because stringing him along wasn’t fair. If I was no longer the girl who’d fallen in love with him, it wasn’t right to keep up this...this charade.

I liked Carson. I liked Sam. Their romance didn't hurt, and neither did this book.

Here’s the basic difference between having a girl as a best friend as opposed to a guy.
When you’re best friends with a girl and you blather on and on, she kisses you to make you shut up.

*barf* I don't bloody think so.

If you have a really really cute guy friend and you guys have been close for so long but oh my god he's so hot and you think you're in love with him but does he like you and what about that time he checked out that other girl and oh my god you guys stay up all night talking and you're like *this* close and he makes your heart go aflutter because he's so *sigh* handsome and does he really see me the way I see him and I know he's dating my friend, but it's so awkward, and he'll never love her the way I love him, do I love him?! Oh my god, why can't he just see we were meant to be?!??!111ONE! and you feel like maybe you guys should declare your feelings *bluuuuuuush* and see where it takes you?!?!1

;_;

Then you might like this book.

If not, you might find it incredibly nauseating, as I did. If you do have a friend like I described above, do yourself a favor, grow some balls, tell him, and just get the fuck over it, please. Don't waste your time languishing over what Could Be and what Could Have Been. There's more to life than that.

Friendcest! I don't have a male sibling, so incest has never seriously icked me out, but I guess you could say that for me, this book is the equivalent of incest. I call it "friendcest." You see, I had a male best friend in high school.



We met in 9th grade, but didn't talk much. I had gotten over a terrible friendship breakup with my childhood BFF the previous summer, and swore to myself I would never be friends with anyone ever again (I was 15, ok?!). He sat behind me in French class the first day of 10th grade, and as they say, the rest is history.

This is almost verbatim the conversation that facilitated our friendship:

Him: I always thought you were the quiet genius in the corner.
Me: *bursts into wild laughter*

We talked every night on old-school AIM. We had almost nothing in common but our hatred towards society (we were teenagers, ok?), and our love for mocking stupid people (we were teenagers, ok?!). We boycotted prom night and chatted on AIM instead. We joined clubs together. We wrote obscene poetry during English Honors II together involving Queen Guinevere and Lancelot (we were reading The Once and Future King). I made fun of his love of country music. He made fun of my love for feminine-looking Japanese rockers (it was a phase). He taught the squeaky-clean baby Khanh to swear (I know you guys are grateful for that).

I loved Harry Potter. He hated Harry Potter (and refused to read the book). And for our graduation present, he gave me the first Harry Potter DVD. I nearly bawled my eyes out.

And there was never anything remotely romantic between us. Which is why this book made me rather queasy, because the entire message of this book is "I'VE HAD FEELINGS FOR YOU ALL ALONG, I JUST CAN'T SEE IT."

This book does nothing to dispel the myth that guys and girls can't be just friends. Really, it's not about platonic friendship at all. It's the story of a boy and a girl who were meant to be all along, but just can't see it. I found it irritating, I hated the theatrics, I hated the cheating, I hated the selfishness, and I hated seeing the people hurt in the process of the Twoo Wuvvers(tm) as they leave broken hearts behind in their journey to discovering that they were Soul Mates(tm). For me, it was pretty terrible. It was filled with nothing but teenaged melodrama and hysterics. There was no depth, and the entire book left me tremendously bored because it was SO FILLED WITH FEEEEEELINGS.

Platonic Friends, My Ass: The story started in middle school, when baby Levi and baby Macallan met. They almost instantly became BFFs, but that didn't last very long. The overwhelming feeling in this book is that Levi is the most obvivious idiot in the world. He goes around thinking, man, I'm the luckiest fella in the world, he's blissfully carefree, not knowing what's lurking underneath. Man, what I wouldn't give to be a guy.

This was why Macallan was the greatest friend in the world. I hadn’t seen her in ten days, yet she wanted to be sure I saw my girlfriend.

Well, guess what? You can't have your cake and eat it, too. The thing about Levi and Macallan is that we know all along that they have underlying feelings for each other. It was almost never platonic in nature.

I didn’t know what bothered me more: the fact that my best friend had been keeping something from me or that she was currently flirting with some guy.

Innocent Bystanders: Levi and Macallan are best friends, the trouble is that they're way too close. I said it was never platonic, and boy, do we see it in their respective relationships. Levi has a girlfriend. Macallan has a boyfriend. And both of them completely ignore their dates to talk to each other. They are self-absorbed, they are selfish, they are uncaring of anyone except themselves. For example, when they go on a double date, Levi and Mac can't stop talking to each other.

Ian cleared his voice loudly. “So, Carrie, I think we need to intervene before the Levi and Macallan Show takes over. Once they get started, they don’t stop. Ever.”

Ian and Carrie are Mac and Levi's dates. And to top it off, they're so absorbed in talking to each other that they don't even notice that their dates have left.

Danielle could read the nonverbal exchange Levi and I shared. “Let me guess. You didn’t realize your dates left.”
I grimaced.
She shook her head. “You guys are too much.”
“Clearly,” Levi and I said in unison.

Levi = Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby: Half the book is from a guy's perspective, but it almost doesn't feel that way. Levi is cute, but he's not a boy. He is entirely too feminine in his observations and his actions, despite his protestations and his manly grunts and his desperation to gain guy points with his macho Wisconsin guy friends.

This book tries really, really fucking hard to be cute, and it doesn't work, and it does so by making Levi the most adorbs thing in the whole fucking world. Like the moment when Levi is filled with joy at receiving a coupon for a homemade meal from Macallan. Like the moment where Mac takes Levi to her mom's grave, and he proceeds to have an entire fucking conversation to her dead mother. WHAT THE FUCK?

“Um, Mrs. Dietz, I’m Levi. I’m sure Macallan has told you all about me. And, well, none of it’s true, unless she told you I’m awesome.”
"Thank you, Mrs. Dietz, for raising your daughter the way you did. She’s awesome and I know that’s because of you. I wish I could’ve met you, but I guess I have in a way. Because of Macallan. And just so you know, I’ll do my best to protect her. And be there for her. Even if she does have the worst taste in football teams."

*snorts* That's cute. It's also wildly improbable. I don't buy it.

To top it off, Levi is filled with observaaaaaaaaations about how Macallan looks.

Macallan’s hair in the spring and summer was my favorite; in the sun it was almost bright red with an orange undertone. But if we went inside it looked like it did in the fall.

Bleeeeeeeeeeeech. Her hair looks like the fall: said no guy EVER. And I hate to presume, but I can't see a guy thinking this deeply and overanalyzing everything in excruciating fucking details.

I hated that something was getting in the way of their friendship. And that something was me.

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN: Do you like teenage drama? Petty jealousies? Catfights? Oh-my-god-does-he-like-me conversations? Oh-my-god-you-are-no-longer-my-friend conversations? Cheating? Love triangles? That's pretty much all this book is. It's a bunch of teenagers acting very teenaged and nothing else. There is no depth to any of the characters. The side characters, like Macallan's best friend, are shallow bitches who flirt and flit from boy to boy. There is no deeper subplot. I didn't feel like there was a deep driving force to any of the main characters, because the only thing they're fucking worried about is (in order of precendence)

1. Love
2. Themselves

There are no deeper complications. There is no true character maturity. This was a shallow, nauseatingly predictable book.

Truly the worst Wheel of Fortune contestant ever.

"We’ve hated each other since forever.”

“Love, hate,” she says with a smile. “Such a fine line between the two, isn’t there?”

Help. I have a Mississippi-sized grin on my face and it's not going away.

I wanted a sweet, wildly romantic, happily-ever-after romance, and I got it all. The characters can be infuriating sometimes, but they're teenagers, and I can absolutely relate to them. There were moments in the book when I wanted to slap Jemma and tell her "You have to tell him what he did wrong! Boys are STUPID! They can't read your mind! They wouldn't know a hint unless it danced in front of them wearing a purple lace thong!"

But to be fair, some people never learn this. Me, I realized early on in my dating career. For example, at Christmas, what you do is you drag your significant other to the store of your choice, you point to what you want, you tell him to get it for you.

Yeah, it's terribly unexciting, but it works.

I have never received a toaster, but I did receive a stuffed cat in a basket (true story). That was what made me realize that guys are idiots when it comes to hints. So yeah, Jemma. Live, learn, and then realize that you can't expect a boy to read your mind.

Other than that, this book was lovely. Adorable. I particularly loved the well-depicted small-town atmosphere of the South. The long history of the people who have been neighbors for generations, the quiet neighborly ease that you just don't get from a bustling, impersonal Southern California city. The drowsy atmosphere of a humid autumn night. It's all lovely.

It makes me want to live in the South. Except for the mosquitoes. And the humidity and heat. And all the churchgoing on Sunday. And the barbequeing. And the fact that your neighbors know everything about you. And the "y'alls." And the hunting. And the football-mad crowd.

Hold up.

Actually, you know what? I'll just stick to my Southern California, thank you very much! But I still loved the Southern atmosphere within this book! ^_^

This book is exactly what I seek from a sweet contemporary YA romance. I wanted friendship, I wanted sweetness. I wanted believable characters and authentic relationship building. Supportive friends, adorable parents. It was wildly romantic at times, I DON'T EVEN CARE.

The Summary: Jemma and Ryder are destined to be together (according to their family). And to that, they say "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

It's a long story that goes back 150 years. Back in the days of the Civil War (or The War of Northern Aggression, as Southerners know it---man, these people know how to hold a grudge), a Cafferty saved a Marsden's life. And since then, their families have been BFFs. Like seriously *this* tight, yo. They go together like chocolate and port. They party together. They have dinner every Sunday night together. And they've been waiting 150 years for their families to unite.For example, the current parental units of the Cafferties and Marsdens are super super close. Childhood best friends, neighbors, same college, same fraternity. Not only that, they...

...married BFFs who were invested in keeping the Cafferty-Marsden attachment alive and strong.

To say the families are close would be an understatement.

BOOM! Enter baby Ryder and baby Jemma. Just six weeks apart in age. They must be destined to be, right?! Well, it's not like they have any choice in the matter. Hint: get them while they're young.

You can imagine what it’s been like since our mothers first plopped us into a crib together, rubbing their hands in conspiratorial glee as they planned our wedding. Playdates followed where the adults smiled and cooed as they watched us dig in the sandbox, where Ryder tugging on my pigtails was a sure sign of his adoration, where me throwing sand in his face only proved my devotion.

Yeah, you know the thing about parental expectations? It'll usually backfire. Ryder and Jemma are going to hate each other.

Only it's not that simple. Ryder and Jemma were childhood friends, they got along, they liked each other like siblings. Until something changed between them in 8th grade. Friendship changed, developed into something more. But something happened that destroyed Ryder and Jemma's budding feelings for each other.

Jemma has hated Ryder ever since. And four years later, the feeling might be mutual.

“Great, here we go again.” He starts to walk away and then turns back to face me. “You know what? I have no idea what I did to piss you off, but—”

“Seriously?” I sputter. “I’ll give you a hint—eighth grade.”

“You’re mad at me about something I did in eighth grade, Jem? That was four fucking years ago. Whatever it was, why don’t you grow up and get over it?”

They're seniors, they're applying to college. Expectations abound. This is a town with rigid traditions. Their parents have expectations for them. Jemma's parents have drawn out her entire future for her. It's a nice future, but it's not what she wants.

It’s not that I don’t want to live out my days here. It’s just that I want the opportunity to...I don’t know...spread my wings and fly a bit before I come back home to roost, you know? If I end up back in Magnolia Branch, I want it to be because I’ve chosen to be here.

It's a rough time in her life. Jemma's family is going through an emergency, someone is seriously sick. On top of that, Jemma has to deal with her feelings for a local bad-boy, Patrick who's just started noticing her. The trouble is that the passion isn't there.

He deepens the kiss, and I feel myself pulling away mentally even as I participate physically. My mind begins to wander.

To top it off, a storm is coming. A huge hurricane.

“I wonder if it’ll be as bad as they’re saying.”
“Could be the worst to hit the coast since Katrina.”

Yes, it is. There will be nasty weather. Terrifying winds. Torrential rains. Tornadoes. Deadly snakes (who knew they came out during natural disasters!).

Ryder and Jemma will have to ride out the storm together. Forced into each other's company, they have no choice but to talk. They'll learn new things about each other.

I can smell something else too—fear. He’s terrified.
Of the storm?
Six foot four and scared as a puppy.

And maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that their family's hopes and dreams aren't too far off from their own.

“Are you scared, Jemma?”
I prop my head up on one elbow. “Yeah, I’m scared,” I say, carefully weighing my words. “But...we’ll be okay."
I hear him swallow hard. “I’m glad I’m here with you.”
“I’m glad you are too.

The Setting: The atmosphere of small-town South is just lovely. It's a small Southern town, ruled by family, football, and religion. The order may vary.

If you’re wondering what it’s like to grow up here, just consider this—there are six choices when it comes to places of worship, but only one when it comes to fast food.

There's diversity, too. Jemma's best friend is a black girl, Lucy. And racism? It's not tolerated.

Most everyone adores Dr. Parrish, except for Cheryl Jackson, who’d been very vocal about taking her children elsewhere because she couldn’t possibly trust her pre cious babies to one of “those” people. And by “those” people, she means black people. Of course, her son is a complete tool, and her daughter spent half of last semester in rehab, so there you go.

Yes, I know it's not totally realistic, but it makes me happy, ok?

It feels like an authentic place, with realistic people. I absolutely adored the high school setting. The teenagers are neither tropes nor caricature. They date, they have true friendships, they have fights, they have jealousies. They go to class, they go to dances, they go on dates. It feels like a high school I could have attended.

Jemma:

Mama taught me to sew, Daddy to shoot. That’s the way we roll here in Magnolia Branch.

No demure Southern Miss. Jemma is pretty damn perfect. She's smart, she's done everything right. Straight A-student, cheerleader, a good daughter, a loving sister. But her whole life has been planned for her, and she doesn't like it. I got frustrated with her at times, but I can't hate her, because I understand how she felt when she behaved foolishly. I sympathized with her acts of rebellion.

Am I dating him just to have someone to go out with? Or is the attraction real? Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the whole bad-boy thing—which I realize is beyond stupid.

Besides, he’s not that bad of a boy. But he is the total opposite of Ryder, which means that going out with him is the complete opposite of what my family wants me to do. Maybe that’s it, then—a minor rebellion on my part.

Jemma is very self-aware. She constantly analyzes herself, and she does it well enough for me to understand her and like her, despite her faults. And I like her because of her faults.

Ryder:

He’s the star quarterback of our Division 1A state-championship football team. Top student in our class. He plays the piano like some kind of freaking prodigy. Oh, and did I mention that he’s gorgeous? Of course he is. Six foot four, two hundred ten pounds of swoon-worthy good looks.

SWOON. He's a young Tom Brady, that's what he is. You know what, if Jemma doesn't want Ryder, that's fine. I want him for myself.

Here is that awkward moment when a grown-ass woman places a 17-year old teenaged boy on her "book boyfriend" shelf. Ryder is just THAT awesome. He is a pure gentleman, without being overbearing. He is assertive without being patronizing. He is the type of boy your parents want for a son-in-law. And he's not as perfect as he appears. He, too, lives under the shadow of expectations.

"My mom already controls enough in my life. What food I eat. What clothes I wear. Hell, even my underwear. You wouldn’t believe the fight she put up a few years back when I wanted to switch to boxer briefs instead of regular boxers. Anyway, if my parents want it for me, it must be wrong. So I convinced myself...”

The Romance: DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE ROMANCE? It was wonderful! It made a jaded old soul like me squeal with glee. I so completely "ship" these two. I loved their misunderstanding. I loved their arguments. But goddamn, the anger just makes it so much better. Much like make-up sex. But of course, this is an YA novel, so let's keep it PG.

Aw, what the hell.

“Is this okay?”

I tilt my head back against the wall, catching my breath. “Yeah,” I say, panting. “It’s definitely okay."

And, of course, that’s when the dang-blasted tornado siren decides to go off again.

*snickers*

Quotes were taken from an uncorrected proof subject to change in final edition.

Congrats, Drama Llamas!

THIS is exactly the type of consequence (of which I spoke of earlier) you get when you decide to bicker and fight with each other for two days in a row.

Good job!

I got them all killed. I was supposed to protect them, and I was underground, entertaining a convict, throwing daggers at a wall.

Sigh.

This book was not terrible, but is boring. In short, here is why I did not like it:

1. It was incredibly slow. The action was stretched out tighter than a pair of size-2 leggings on Kim Kardashian's evergrowing ass. That whole "the sisters’ journey to find each other sends them far from the only home they’ve ever known" thing in the blurb? Don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen.

2. Frustratingly stupid characters. The only character I liked throughout the book is the one presented to us as the straight-talking village asshole Gavril.

3. Poorly built slapstick setting with a lack of depth to the paranormal element. There was also just oo point to the companion animals, as well as the adoption of the Japanese mythology "kitsune" in name only.

There are twins in this book. You might have trouble telling them apart, as I did at first. As you read the book, they will develop their own personality. Moria and Ashyn are similar in that they are equally stupid, they're just dumb in different ways.

They are beautiful, identical strawberry-blonde twins. Here's a visual guide, using the lovely Emma Stone.

This is Moira.



Moira cannot shut up. She makes stupid decisions.

This is Ashyn.



Ashyn feels sorry for herself. She will forgive anything.

The Summary:

"Our village is gone. The women massacred, the men turned to shadow stalkers, the children stolen. I believe that qualifies as ‘something gone wrong.’”

Sounds exciting, no?! Don't get your hopes up, because all that action is spread oh-so-slowly over a couple of dozen chapters. This book goes nowhere fast.

In the beginning, we meet Ronan, a criminal sent into exile in the volcanic Wastes. He sees a boy! A rich boy. He plans to kidnap him. Only it's not a him, it's a her. Ronan doesn't know the mysterious girl's name, but she is Moria. Moria asks him whether he's the youngest, then gives him her dagger and vanhishes into the night.

"A dagger won’t kill the fever. Won’t kill the spirits.” She turned. “But good luck anyway.”

A choice she will regret later.

Back in the village, we learn that Moria and Ashyn are twins. Moria is the Keeper, she is one of few in the empire who protects the people from malevolent spirits. Ashyn is the Seeker, she lays spirits to rest, and buries their bodies afterwards. Tomorrow she is to go into the Forest of the Dead to settle the ghosts.

Only things go dreadfully wrong. The Seeking party is attacked by bloodthirsty shadows.

It was a piece of meat, almost like a ball, but...
She realized what she was looking at and covered her mouth to keep from crying out again.
“It’s a heart,” she whispered.
It was indeed a heart, impaled on a branch.

Only to run into the arms of kidnappers. Ronan is Ashyn's captor. And to make matters worse, Ronan captures Ashyn using the dagger Moria gave him.

He pulled a dagger from his belt. The blade shimmered in the lantern light, but it wasn’t the steel that caught her attention—it was the filigreed handle.
“That’s...that’s my sister’s dagger.”

Now do you see why it was a bad fucking idea for Moria to give him the dagger? Nice job.

Ashyn forgives Ronan right away, because he only just kidnapped her a little bit (no, seriously, that's what she said.)

The rest of the book goes somewhat like this: They get attacked by spirits. Their village gets attacked by spirits. They get attacked by a person possessed by a spirit. They run away only to get split up. They get attacked by more spirits. They get deceived by spirits (and then attacked by them). They get attacked by men. They get attacked by spirits. They get deceived by spirits. They get deceived by men. They get attacked some more. They arrive in the Empire's capital. They talk to people. They get involved into conspiracies. The end.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

The Setting: It doesn't mesh. It feels like a ton of random elements thrown together and it never feels like a cohesive high fantasy setting. It's creepy enough, I'll tell you that. There are bloodthirsty spirits. There are places like The Wastes, with hardened volcanic lands, and the Forest of the Dead, filled with malevolent spirits that eat people. But other than that, the setting doesn't feel real. There was no background. There was no history. There was no reason for why things are the way they are. There are pointless paragraphs on the behavior and ways of things like how a merchant is deemed lower class and what's the appropriate way to do business with a tailor, without explaining the important stuff, like politics!

Things are just random. We have spirits, no shit, but for some fucking reason sorcery is deemed to be superstitious nonsense?

“I didn’t mean to mock you, Ashyn. It’s just...sorcery? I suppose in a place like Edgewood they still believe in that sort of thing. Old superstitions.”

There are dragons and petrified dragon eggs are sold in marketplaces, but a porcupine...is sorcery!

“It must be sorcery,” she murmured. “To make such a creature.”
“You’re as superstitious as an old nanny. Sorcery didn’t make such a creature. Necessity did.”

Pointless Spirits: There was no point to Moria and Ashyn being Seeker and Keeper of the Spirits. Their powers are pointless and hardly used. Neither of them can defend themselves against the spirits by any magical power. They can only attack the spirits with physical weapons, and Ashyn is pretty incompetent in that sense. Both sisters have to rely on big, strong men to take care of them. Their relationship with the spirits is purely superficial. In the beginning, we're told that Moria talks to the spirits, and that's pretty much the last we hear about it for a long fucking time because it's almost never mentioned again.Pointless Animals: Each of the girls have a companion animal, Daigo is a Hound of the Immortal. Tova is a Wildcat of the Immortals.

They chuff. They chirp. All the fucking time. They warn the twins of dangers. They do absolutely nothing besides that. It is the worst case of so-called "animal bonding" I have ever read. They might as well be pets. There was no point to their spiritual bonding.

Moria:

“It isn’t shadow stalkers,” she whispered. “They don’t speak—”
“Shhh!”
“It must be guards, from the village. They’re searching—”
“Shhh!” His lips came to her ear, warm breath filling it, his voice harsh with anger. “Be still and be quiet, Keeper. For once.”

Moria never shuts up. She is constantly shushed, because she NEVER STOP TALKING. In the middle of a forest when they're trying to hide from the spirits? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. In the middle of the forest when they're trying to hide from evil men? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. She never knows when to keep her fucking mouth shut. She is too headstrong, and I hated her. She grated on my nerves. She makes stupid, impulsive decisions that gets people into trouble.

Moria raced through the forest as she clawed vines aside.
I shouldn’t have left Ashyn. I know it’s my duty to protect everyone, and Ashyn can keep the spirits at bay. But I shouldn’t have left her.

Moria is often Too-Stupid-To-Live. She rushes into danger the instant she sees it, without thinking of the consoequences.

Ashyn: A frustrating doormat. She was kidnapped by Ronan. And then immediately forgives him.

“And you just happened upon him?”
Ashyn seemed as if she’d like to say yes, that’s what happened, but she could not lie to her sister. “His uncle captured me. Briefly. No one harmed me, though. Now let him up. Please.”

Because it's so reasonable to forgive a guy who had a knife to your throat a few moments ago. Moria is the quieter twin, she lives in her sister's shadow, and she constantly wishes she was like her sister in appearance, in charisma, in strength. Ashyn spends the entire book feeling sorry for herself, and not much else.

Ashyn loved her sister. And yet...It was not that Ashyn particularly wanted any of the young men who trailed after her sister. It was simply...well, simply that she wouldn’t mind a boy’s attention, if only to prove that she wasn’t completely invisible next to Moria.

Ashyn is so fucking stupid. She befriends a criminal (Ronan). While he is in jail, she brings him games. She plays with him. She trusts him against all reason.

As hard as Ashyn tried, she could not quite shake the lingering hurt over Ronan’s...betrayal certainly wasn’t the right word. Even abandonment felt too harsh.

She is truly a doormat.

The Guys: They're both assholes. Ronan uses people. Ronan is a criminal who sees people in terms of their worth to him. Ashyn falls for him anyway. Gavril is the jerk who tells Moria when she's being an idiot, and she hates him for it.

Gavril is my favorite character in the book.

The romance isn't even worth mentioning.

Soon, the moment would come, the moment she’d spent eleven years preparing for. Could she seduce and kill Emperor Lucien?

The answer is a resounding NO. I DNFed this book at 25% because, really, there is no fucking point. She wasn't going to kill the motherfucker anyway. It's not only terrible, it belittles the act of rape.

He thrust into her, occasionally fondling her breasts or kissing her. She tried to ignore it. Mild discomfort, she told herself. It’s mild discomfort, nothing more.

Because if you just pretend that it's nothing, rape isn't a big deal, right?! Fuck that shit. Seriously, fuck that shit. This is the story of the worst fucking assassin in the world. She makes Celaena Sardothien of Throne of Glass infamy look...competent in comparison. Celaena may like clothes more than she likes killing, but at least she didn't repeatedly completely fuck up an assassination attempt. Every other page, I was shrieking at her "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! KILL HIM!!!111!!!1" I could feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. Trying to finish this book might have given me an aneurysm. First off, that cover is a total ripoff of Angelina Jolie's 2012 Oscar dress.



But that aside, the main character had so many fucking chances to kill the Emperor. She never takes them. And the emperor is a fucking "cripple." (The book's words, not mine). The Emperor is an amputee! He's a mage, he's got magic, but still, AN ASSASSIN CAN GET THE FUCKING JOB DONE IN A SECOND. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING TO SEDUCE HIM?! The reason given for the hesitation simply doesn't work for me.

The Premise:

"He’s crippled and alone," Bayard had said. "Kill him, and you will spark a succession battle that will tear the empire apart."

The female assassin Vitala had one fucking job: Kill Lucien, the Emperor of Kjallan. His father was a despot, currently the kingdom of Kjallan is killing her people, torturing them, enslaving them. Vitala has been trained to be an assassin since she was a child. Eleven years, she has trained for this mission. She has been trained in killing, in court etiquette, in the many ways to seduce a man (hint: aim for the penis). Lucien is particularly interested in the game of Caturanga. Caturanga is a strategy game, much like chess. Every year, a championship tournament is held in the city of Beryl, and the champion gets to meet and play with Lucien.

Vitala won the championship, and gets to meet Lucien. Her mission: seduce him, kill him. His death will create a chaos within the Kjallan kingdom that will free her people, the Riorcans. It doesn't matter if Lucien is guilty of the deaths or not. He must die for her people's plan to succeed.

It didn’t matter whether she wanted to kill Lucien or not. Even if Lucien were innocent of all crimes—and he wasn’t—he had to die, for the simple reason that he stood in the way of Riorcan freedom. Lucien was a strategic sacrifice.

AND SHE DOESN'T FUCKING DO IT. Years and years of planning, out the fucking window because she is a motherfucking moron of the highest order. She couldn't kill a fucking spider that falls on her in the shower. Vitala is a fucking failure.

The Fail!!!!!: She fails repeatedly, but here are some of the examples within the 25% of the books I read.

#1: She gets to be alone with Lucien. She thinks he's cute. They're still alone. He doesn't look like a killer, but hey, who cares, right? They're alone. They sit down. Alone. They play a long ass game of Caturanga. Alone. She gets absorbed in the game. They're still alone. There are no magical wards on his body or in the room. They're still alone. There are no bodyguards around. They're still alone. She wins the game. They're still alone.

She’d gotten so caught up in the game that she’d forgotten all about seduction.

OH, SO NOT ONLY DID SHE FAIL TO EVEN TRY TO KILL HIM, SHE FORGOT ABOUT SEDUCING HIM. Nice.

#2: She gets to play with him again! Alone. He's pretty cute! They're still alone. Oh, they're talking about politics now. Cute. They're still alone. She WINS AGAIN! They're still alone. And, shit.

Three gods, she was supposed to be seducing him, and once again she was getting too drawn into the Caturanga.

FAIL FAIL FAIL. OH! OH! He's walking her to the door. They're SO CLOSE. This might be it, right?!

At the door, she turned and performed her farewell curtsy.

No.

#3: She's ALONE WITH HIM IN A CARRIAGE! Oh my god, now's the time to seduce him. Get close to him. KILL HIM. They're alone!!! They're making out, they're getting turned on...and...

A spike of heat and pleasure stabbed through her and settled in her groin, where it slowly spread. Pox, pox, pox. She’d let herself get attracted to her target. This was not good.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

#4: They're alone! What a fucking surprise! He's about to seduce her. THEY'RE ALONE.

She giggled, feeling like she’d had too much to drink. Some distant part of her marveled at her absurd behavior. He had stumbled, but she was the one who was off balance. What was it about this man that her body responded to with such enthusiasm?
He’s a tyrant. You hate him.
Her body wasn’t listening.

OH MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

#5: THEY'RE FUCKING! Clearly, they're alone. His inhibitions are gone! They're fucking! They're skin to skin. Face to face. Vagina to dick! Is she going to kill him?!

“Shh.” He worked her with hands and tongue, stroking and tasting. She writhed, utterly out of control, half-terrified at what was happening to her, half-consumed with yearning. She wanted him to stop. She wanted more.

NO! FUCK!

#6: HE'S ABOUT TO GET KILLED BY SOMEONE ELSE. Well, awesome. Other people are going to do the job for her. All she has to do is sit back and enjoy and take credit for the work. Except that's just not enough for our awesomely intelligent Vitala. She somehow gets the fucking harebrained idea that it's better to save him.

She’d never relished the thought of killing Lucien, and maybe now she didn’t have to. She could do more for her people by saving his life.

Awesome! Throw away decades of planning by her country's spy agency. Good fucking job, stupid bitch.

WHY DOESN'T SHE KILL HIM: Supposedly Lucien is a mage who has the power of precognition, which is why she has to seduce him.

Along with the most dangerous ability of all, the gift of anticipation. A war mage could sense any attack before it came. To get past a war mage’s defenses, one had to distract him to the point that he was oblivious to the outside world.

It doesn't fucking work. A competent assassin should be able to do the fucking job within seconds. Furthermore, she actually fucked him. She actually seduced him, and she didn't do it! She just enjoyed her fucking orgasm and forgot all about the fucking mission. And Vitala isn't exactly helpless. She has magical Shards. Shards which she can (and has) used to kill a man in a single moment.

Vitala drove the Shard into the soft flesh of his hip and released the death spell.

Pretty fucking neat magical tool. Kill a man in seconds. SO WHY DOESN'T SHE FUCKING DO IT?! Precognition or not, it only takes a fucking instant when she is RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Which she is, repeatedly!

Fail assassin. Stupid, stupid idiot.

I haven't finished the book, but I predict that this is what's going to happen. Lucien and Vitala is going to fall in love. Instead of killing him, she's going to protect him. She's going to join some kind of alliance to overthrow the evil people of his kingdom and discover that Lucien, instead of being an evil despot, is a kind-hearted king. A benevolent soul. They're going to fall in love. Vitala is going to protest halfheartedly that she can't fall in love because she's an assassin. But they're going to keep fucking and she's going to fall in love with him anyway.

Maybe someone who's read this can tell me I'm wrong, but I don't have high hopes.